so husband says to me

[loverboys]

if i wasnt married to you i would be doing xyz - AIBU to think that this man doesnt truly love me

not necessarily

surely we all think if we had made different decisions, we wouldnt be where we are now

what are you stopping him from doing?

He hasn't said he doesn't love you, he's just said that had he not married you, he would be doing XYand Z.
I know that if me and DH weren't married, he would be living in Thailand teaching scuba diving. As it is, he isn't. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I hope.

Depends really what xyz is and what sort of tone he said it in. Did he actually say that he wishes he hadn't married you so that he can do whatever he wants or was it in a more conversational way?

My H has told me if he hadnt married me he'd probably be rich (he had a business that was earning enough money for a single man to be comfortable). I often think I should have waited a couple of years to meet him

depends what xyz are.

If i wasn't married to my DH, i could do XYZ.

Doesn't mean i want to do any of those things, or that I would change my situation even if I could.

Not really IMO. He's only considering where his life would be had he made different choices which is pretty harmless

DH said to me if he was single he would be rich. If he hadnt of been rich I wouldnt of married him!

well he said i stop him from working!! yes working. he would be achieving so much more but for me

weve always had issues about spending time together ie i want to he does hes always busy! now he comes out with this chestnut

so i often feel im enjoying my children alone, since families are very very far away. he just doesnt get it. now he has said that its obviously a pain for him to have to be spend anytime with myself and the children at the weekend. so very annoyed

I would much rather be with a partner who has inspiration and aspiration as an individual than with one who does not feel complete or valid unless without another person.

The fact he knows he could do other things but chooses to be with you instead is a positive thing unless he is staying he would rather do the other thing but feels trapped.

hes being an unsympathic twerp

erm OddBoots he was meaning the latter!

He actually came out and said spending weekend time with you and the children is a pain? An "obvious" pain?

I don't really know what to say to that except what a terrible thing to come out with. I can see why that would be very upsetting for you on top of him talking about the things he'd be doing if he wasn't with you. Those two statements sound callous when put next to each other.

Does he say things like this often or is it a recent change in attitude? It sounds as if he's dissatisfied with his life and acting like its someone else's fault rather than his own- saying things like "I could be doing this if I wasn't with you" makes it sound as if he thinks you're somehow responsible. Is he making any effort to change the things that he's unhappy about or is he just complaining?

Have you pointed out all the XYZ you would be doing if not married to him /raising his DCs? In my alternate universe I have a loft apartment, satisfying career and gentleman caller who only visits at my convenience - never even considered domestic "bliss" before meeting DH. Also have you tried absenting yourself more so he gets to know the DCs. This gets easier as they get older. A lot of DHs I know seem to get this mini midlife crisis with the responsibilities of parenthood. I think it might be about taking fright at the urge to be the provider.

PhilipJFry, no he didnt use those words - obvious pain - they are mine but i knew what he meant since its always been an issue that he wants to work all weekend as he chooses. whereas at the weekend i think its nice to say where shall we take the kids. when we do spend say an evening together he has in the past said - ive wasted the whole night ! yes how charming

howabout, i think you could be right about the provider part