To update you here and not on my epic PIL thread
takethisonehereforastart · 17/05/2011 01:14
It was probably the longest opening post in the history of threads.
DH still doesn't want to read the thread but has accepted that it is his parents, and particularly his mother, who are at the root of the problems and who have issues of their own that they need more qualified help with than any help we could give them.
He's also accepted that we could benefit from some kind of councelling too.
Things came to a head last week when his sister held a party for their anniversary and I refused to go or let him take LO without me. I told him he could go if he wanted to go (and I meant it, it wasn't in that "do what you want" way that means "but there will be hell to pay if you go.")
We had an argument about it and he threatened to leave and go back to his base just to get some space. In the end he stayed and we had a quiet enough weekend. He didn't go to the party and he didn't tell anyone we weren't going.
After the party I realised that his brother (the one who isn't an alcoholic and whose wife I get along with) had deleted me from facebook. We think it was to prove a point to me that he is supporting his mother. DH was quite annoyed about it but I told him that we aren't 13 and it isn't a problem. It is a bit though because if his brother can't stand to see my name on his friends list he isn't going to want to see me in person either. So again we are being cut off from another section of the family because of PILs self pity but I will get the blame.
I thought DH was okay because that facebook thing was the only thing that had been done following the party (he was expecting a lot of abuse) but on Tuesday he sent me a text to say our marriage was over and he wouldn't take my calls.
I really thought we were finished (and he's bloody lucky that we aren't) and it turned out that something has been said and he went out, got very, very drunk and decided to 'finish' with me and his parents.
The cold light of day and a bad hangover made him realise just what a prat he had been and it was that episode that made him agree to councilling. We are looking for something that will help us as a couple, DH with his past and us as bereaved parents too.
But he has said that he has chosen me and our LO above his parents and I'm hopeful that he means it. I think the councelling will be a positive step to making that a permanent choice rather than one that falls apart the first time they ring him.
Thanks to everyone from the other thread that gave advice.
LDNmummy · 17/05/2011 01:25
Thats great! I'm happy for you guys. I remember reading your last post and wondering how on earth you cope. I have something similar going on but nowhere near as bad as what you have had to put up with.
Hope the counselling helps and you guys can make steps to moving away from all the madness.
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/05/2011 01:38
Obviously your DH has made the wise and, under the circumstances, only possible choice.
Arrange a joint counselling session asap and in the meantime show him that he's made the right decision by being especially loving, and by resisting the temptation to visit the inflammatory subject of his family unless he specifically wishes to talk about them.
kaid100 · 17/05/2011 07:47
Original thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1206126-to-stay-away-from-PILs-and-keep-LO-away-too
I'm glad to hear he's finally agreed to counselling, I hope the rest of his family (obviously his MIL never will) see sense after a while too.
cottonreels · 17/05/2011 07:51
Cor Blimey, what a time of it youre having. I commented on your other thread too.
Looks like it's beginning to work out well though. Your Bil sounds like a bit of a twat to me (sorry) but deleting you on face book was making a statement as you say. I think if you should see him, make pleasantries like you don't understand the significance of the deletion. Don't even mention it, or the party, just " nice day, hope the weather lasts...bye"
Fab news about the counselling. Look for your counsellor carefully. Try the British Psychology WEbsite (BPS) for some cognitive therapy - it will get you talking and change the way you think about things. If youre worried you wont remember all thats said (nerves etc) ask if you can record it with a dictaphone.
Best of luck!
takethisonehereforastart · 17/05/2011 08:56
Thanks again everyone and thank you kaid for doing the link.
Izzywhizzy that's good advice, I'm trying not to mention them at all, I'll wait to see if he brings them up and won't be negative about them if he only talks about them in a general way.
mumblingragdoll I hope things get better with your PILs.
cottenreels BIL lives about 70 miles away so I don't really bump into him for small talk, it's usually vists to their house for the day or when they come here we usually saw them at PILs house when we were still visiting. I don't think we will be getting an invite to visit now but you are right, if we do see them I've told DH not to mention facebook and I'll just try to chat as normal and wait and see how he treats me.
I already feel so much better about all this just knowing that DH has accepted this is a bigger problem than he was prepared to admit before and that a lot of it goes back in his family to before he even met me.
TotallyLovely · 03/06/2011 18:01
Bloody hell! Just read the other thread, shocking!
So sorry for your loses and the lack of support you've had from his family.
I was going to suggest counselling for your DH because I don't think anyone could grow up in the family and not need it! So glad he is going to do that.
ReindeerBollocks · 03/06/2011 22:39
Glad to hear your DH is coming round to your way of thinking.
You are doing the right thing by your son keeping him away from the toxic MIL. She sounds really rather nasty. Stay strong though, your DH may well get doubts and guilty feelings so he might raise the issue again but stay firm and strong.
I hope you enjoy being part of a happy family now.
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