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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD??

13 replies

sunnywithachance · 16/05/2011 21:56

I really need some advice for my mum. She's at the absolute end of her tether and tbh i'm really worried about her, she's just so fed up.

My younger brother has never really worked since he left school 10 years ago, he occasionally gets jobs, keeps them for a day and stops going / calls in sick again and again / tells my mum he was fired.

Its obviously a real worry for her and she's tried so hard to change the situation, writing CV's, talking to people on the phone about giving him a chance, giving him chores in exchange for money, and its all been pretty unsuccessful. During this time he has also fathered a child, who my mum pays the child support for and sees regularly, although he doesn't.

He's constantly asking for money, and sometimes is given in to, and always promises that he'll change.

He showed an interest in being a fireman but said he needed to be able to drive. My mum had never really seen him take an interest in anything before so put him through his test, then he decided against being a fireman, but of course, wanted a car.

She and my stepdad made him a deal that if he got and kept a job, they would buy him a car.

He tried really hard, got a job (amazingly enough) kept it for a month and they bought him a car.

Today she found out he now hasn't gone back to work, and has lost the job.

She was so upset, knowing everyone would say 'I told you so' about the car etc...

They argued, he called her a liar, said she was an awful mum, he threatened to 'smash her face in'. She was shaking, its just awful.

I told her to kick him out, she says he has nowhere to go and if it was my child, how could I see them on the street?

Sorry for the long post, I've never seen my mum so absolutely down. Please give me some advice. What would you do???

OP posts:
compo · 16/05/2011 22:01

Would he listen to you?
Could you get together with your stepdad and tell him he's got to move out? Is he 26 if it's ten years since he left school?
Your poor mum Sad

AgentZigzag · 16/05/2011 22:03

Is she being a bit soft on him do you think and enabling him to get away with his lazy irresponsible behaviour?

She seems to equate doing this with showing her love for him, but really it might serve him better if she could kick him out of her house be harder on him and not let him get away with it.

She sounds lovely btw Smile

PiazzaDellaRotonda · 16/05/2011 22:06

Your poor mum. I suppose nobody can really say what they would do until they walk in her shoes - but maybe look up some stuff on 'tough love' and show it to her? There's no incentive at all for him to change at the moment.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/05/2011 22:12

"Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got, and will keep feeling what I always felt."

Don't know who originally said that, but it fits here, doesn't it? And yes, I would kick him out, if she loves him she must realise in her heart that this would be for the best.

If she continues to treat him as she always has to date, he will continue to be as he is now. Can you sell it (kicking him out) to her as being cruel to be kind, because she is doing him no favours at all to continue enabling this behaviour. What sort of a future will he have? Lay it on thick to her, what sort of a future will he have when she is gone if he still behaves like this?

Frankly, it may be too late for him - he may already be too set in this pathway. The sooner she does it, the better.

I really can't see any alternative.

HellonHeels · 16/05/2011 22:12

Your brother has threatened your mum with violence! "Smash her face in". If this is not stopped now, what will happen as your mum gets older and more frail?

I think police involvement is called for.

Birdsgottafly · 16/05/2011 22:13

She needs to stop feeding into his behaviour and allowing his lack of responsibility. If it was just a case of him not working it wouldn't be so bad, but the situation with his own child should have woke her up to the fact that she needs to stop maling excuses for him. She has created 'a learnt helplessness' in him.

Original poster
sunnywithachance · 16/05/2011 22:13

The car was incentive, and it didn't work.

He's got no emotional reaction to anything, it really just seems like he doesn't care about anything or anyone.

I'm sure he wouldn't listen to anything I have to say and even more sure he wouldn't listen to my stepdad.

He's 26.

He just doesn't seem to understand why everyone is on his case about getting a job!! Its so so frustrating. I don't know how to help her, but really, its making her ill.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/05/2011 22:17

I totally missed the bit about him threatening her hellon!

Not quite sure on calling the police, but she really shouldn't have anyone in her house who's threatening her with violence.

Perhaps your mum could give him a week or two in notice for him to find himself somewhere before she gives him the boot?

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 16/05/2011 22:20

Tough love, he threatened her with violence, kick him out.

Sqee · 16/05/2011 22:21

If he is going to act like a petulant child he should be treated like one. Tell her to take the car away. Give you the keys even. Unless you think he actually would "Smash her face in"?

AgentZigzag · 16/05/2011 22:24

Just a guess, but if he's your younger brother, has he always been a bit 'babied' by your mum?

Birdsgottafly · 16/05/2011 22:26

Also you need to point out that no-one has anywhere to go until they create a life standing on their own two feet. Evey other adult finds a way to pay for alternative accomodation to their parents home.

She will not recognise it, there has been a threat of violence and he is emotionally abusive, it is a domestic violence situation that she is living under.

If she takes the car away she is carring on treating him like a child. There shouldn't be deals made about what is usual adult behaviour ie finding and holding a job.

You may have to accept that you may need to step back because the answers are all in her own hands.

KittySpencer · 16/05/2011 22:28

There's no reason for a healthy able bodied man of 26 to still be relying on his mother to put a roof over his head and financially support him, and worse still despite her doing all that to feel entitled to treat her like shit and abuse her good nature. Yes, no-one wants to see their child on the streets but if she doesn't kick him out now he will still be like this (or worse) in 5, 10, even 20 years time. I wouldn't even give him any notice, just pack his stuff up.

This is probably why my DC have said they are moving out at 18!

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