to stop contact between Ex H and my DCs??

[simpson]

My first ever AIBU and am feeling a bit delicate about this so please go easy

Basically me & H split up (my doing) 2yrs ago (we got divorced last mth) due to his mental health problems & drinking....

He has gone back to Ireland (where his family is from) and I am in family home in Middx.

Since he left he has seen DC 5 times and the last 3 times have been awful He has got so drunk he got arrested at airport and not allowed to baord plane home (he spent night in police cell and my parents had to fork out money for another flight)

Another time he got v drunk at my mum's house (she let him stay there as he is not working so cannot pay B&B - she did it for DC not H iyswim) that he was not fit to look after them...

He does not engage with them at all and they barely know who he is

He is supposed to ring every friday to speak to DC but the last 4wks has not bothered apart from one drunken call on a sat morning and I refused to let him speak to DC.

So basically I feel that I/and my family have done everything to maintain a realationship between him and DC and it has been flung back in our faces. (His family don't bother either btw and have not called once in 2yrs )

AIBU to now let things fizzle out and make a new life for myself and DC which does not involve their father??

DC are 5 & 3 BTW...

If contact is reliant on you arranging it and making it happen then it is worthless. If he wants to be a father he will call, fly over, find a way to see/speak to his children.

You cannot create the father they deserve by wishing for it/trying to change him/organising his life. They have the father they have and you cannot make it otherwise. If he makes effort you have to let them see him - he is their father- but YANBU to let it fizzle.

They will have a better life with you from the sound of it

I agree with Dome, you have done all you can and you can only do so much, tis neither fair on you or your children to continue this relationship with their father.

Leave it be and get on with your lives.

I think I would be telling him that he is welcome to try to build a relationship with his children if he ever sorts his drinking problem out, but until then he is not in any fit state to see them as it's not fair on them to have to see him like that or to get upset thinking they're going to see/talk to him but can't because he's drunk/doesn't call.

Hello simpson

So sorry to hear there have been no improvements in contact.

You have been so patient, and you've spent so long trying to make it work for your DC, but it sounds like his attitude is getting worse...

Your time and energy could be so much better spent elsewhere, he really hasn't made any effort whatsoever, and your DC must be so confused by now..Please leave your H to his beloved drink, if his attitude is to change one day,it has to come from him. x

You sound like a nice person, with a conscience about including your children's father in their life, for better or worse.

Would it be worth writing a calm, measured letter, to both him and his family, just to confirm that you're happy for regular constructive shared time, but not at a whim, and not at your instigation?

That way, your children will know in the future that you maintained contact for as long as was rational, and that ex's path to children was always left open?

So hard with such little ones, to protect them from future rejection, as well as yourself from future recrimination.

Hope ex either cuts ties or wakes up.

thanks for your replies

Hi JK, how are you??

A letter is a very good idea, now just have to think about what to put in it!!

I guess the thing that winds me up is I have to do everything for DC etc and he can swan round going out with his friends whenever he wants

Also its such a rejection (especially for DS who is 5) as he was v close to his dad until he was 3

And you are the better person for it. You choose to be there for your DC and he chooses to swan off with mates. It may not feel like much of a choice, a kind of what else can I do - but some people do not make the choice you are making to be a good parent. Equally the rejection your son is faced with can be dealt with over time. You can make it clear it is his father's failing not his own. Years of your good parneting will make up for it

Re the letter - Personally I can't see where it will do you any good - you have given him option to call and he has not taken it. If he wishes to have contact he knows where you all are. Letter smacks of still trying to get him to be a decent father, when he is not. Let him be - you will be happy, he won't - not your fault/problem.

thanks for the nice comments

Feeling much better today and more cheerful about things

DS (5) started at a youth club today and had a fab time so he is all full of that

Great