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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel weird about this?

15 replies

HairyBeaver · 16/05/2011 20:59

Hi, I've never really had a relationship with my biological dad, I met him when I was 17 and it fizzled out after a few weeks.

Roll on 9 years and he has just got back into contact with me.

The problem is is that he keeps calling me "baby" at the end of fb chat messages or text messages with loads of "xx" too, i.e:

"i see the photos of kids u should be proud of self baby xxx." and

"i will tell my son if he like to see u baby xxx."

Am I being unreasonable to feel wierd and icky for him to be like this? It makes me feel very uncomfortable and sort of sordid in a way, sorry can't really explain this over the net properly.

Should I go with my gut instinst and take a step back or AIBU?

OP posts:

kaid100 · 16/05/2011 21:03

He clearly doesn't quite know how to speak to you and is trying to use terms of affection, not really understanding that the words he is saying are the wrong ones.

FurKnickersAndNoCoat · 16/05/2011 21:04

Sorry that you have had such a poor relationship with your bio dad.

Perhaps it is just his way of trying to be affectionate with you and to show you some love. I can understand you being uncomfortable if he has not had a part in your life but as I say, maybe this is just his "way".

cannydoit · 16/05/2011 21:09

i understand completely. it is forced affection with a practical stranger. he is making an effort but lets be fair years to late you could just be honest with him a say it makes you feel uncomfortable as you have no context for this.

Original poster

HairyBeaver · 16/05/2011 21:18

Sorry to drip feed, he has also made an inapproiate (sp) joke, he asked what I was up to on Friday night and I replied with "Sent mr hairy beaver out for take away and going to watch a DVD" his reply was "Not a porn DVD lol"

Seriously I had only been taking to him for 3 days!

My gut is telling me this behaviour is very wrong and making me uncomfortable and also making me not want to be alone with him.

Perhaps I have issues too, it's hard as I shouldn't feel like this with my own dad.

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 16/05/2011 21:30

Ewwww he sounds creepy.

UrsulaBuffay · 16/05/2011 21:33

Go with your gut.

Original poster

HairyBeaver · 16/05/2011 21:38

Thank you, my family have all said to go with my gut instinct too

OP posts:

TickettyBoo · 16/05/2011 21:38

It could just be the way he speaks but I would say now that you'd prefer him not to be so overly familiar and don't like the whole "baby" thing (would give me the creeps too tbh!) - if he reacts badly, then maybe he's just too pushy to be around x

emsyj · 16/05/2011 21:39

YANBU to trust your gut instincts in feeling that there is something not right about this man. Take a step back if that is what feels like the right thing to do.

chipmonkey · 16/05/2011 21:49

OK, the "baby" thing is one thing, that you could possibly explain if that's how his family address each other. But the porn reference is totally weird and not how you would expect a father to address a daughter. I would be very wary of him, tbh.

Original poster

HairyBeaver · 16/05/2011 23:14

Thank you for your replys. I will go with my gut and try to build a relationship at a "safe" distance. From the few meetings I have had with him he seems to have a total lack of social skills and boundaries so I don't know if this is the reason?

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/05/2011 04:58

If your biological dad had been in your life continually from birth, and his nickname for you was 'baby', it would be a different matter.

As it is, he has reappeared in your life at a time when you are a fully grown woman with children of your own, and IMO it is inappropriate for him to call you 'baby' unless he uses this particular term of endearment in his communications with his other children.

The fact that he's initiated contact with you via an internet site, and that he's using a term of endearment that is frequently used by adults who are in romantic/sexual relationships, is unnerving as it has unpleasant connotations with paedophilic grooming.

Couple this with his totally unnecessary reference to porn films and it's easy to understand why you are feeling 'weird and icky, albeit that it's his behaviour that's off - not yours.

His lack of social skills and boundaries is also worrying, and I would strongly counsel you not to be alone with him or invite him into your home until you can be absolutely certain that he will not behave in an inappropriate manner to either you or your dcs.

I would go further and suggest that you also exercise this precaution in respect of any half-siblings you may have who have been raised by your biological father.

As you have been advised by others, your gut instincts are spot on and you should always trust them implicity.

I'm so sorry you seem to have drawn a short straw in the boilogical father contest, but unfortunately we can't all be winners and I wish you better luck next time or in a parallel universe somewhere.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/05/2011 05:08

wtf??!! 'boilogical'???!!! i'm gonna copyright that word before Proctor & Gamble get their mitts on it.

If only boilogical ensured that all relatives scubbed up well, but until it's invented we're all stuck with our respective 'biological' and non-bio parents.

Original poster

HairyBeaver · 17/05/2011 07:07

Thank you, I will definitly go with my gut and step away from him. I'm glad that i'm not being U.

Thanks again

OP posts:

UrsulaBuffay · 17/05/2011 16:49

I think you're doing the right thing. It's a shame for you that he has been like this but he is a stranger to you after all and you need to keep your distance. Good luck.

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