AIBU to think my friend is making her situation worse?

[SenoritaViva]

Went away for a week with friends who's DC have just turned 1 and 3.

Older DC seems to have reverted back to behaving like the younger one. He tries crawling, talks in baby talk and has the most monumental tantrums (like I have never witnessed before). When this happens he is given whatever he is having a tantrum about immediately and another child has it they snatch it away from them for their child. My friend still gives him baby bottles and a big bottle of juice to go to bed with. He wears a nappy if he wants a poo (very common I realise) but stands next to us whilst doing it (making us gag) rather than being taken to the bathroom to encourage him to relate doing a poo and the bathroom (I know someone has advised her this might be better, gently and kindly, as she experienced same with her child).

She never gets them to sit at the table to eat but makes one bowl of food and races around the house feeding each using one spoon.

Separately these all these don't seem so bad but I feel that they are not letting their older DC have an identity but treating him the same as the younger one and just encouraging his bad behaviour.

He is never made to say sorry (e.g. when he hits my DC). The whole time away both children cried and were miserable. They aren't really disciplined but then the parents finally get sick of all the whining and then threaten them and smack their bottoms/shout/send them to their room. Their reaction just seems to flip rather than giving warnings etc. (so overly nice and then overly horrible).

It was so awful that the other family we were with left early because they couldn't cope with their crying and misery. By the end of the holiday the mum said 'I'm ready to kill one of them'. I am worried about her as I think she is miserable and dreads looking after the kids when she isn't working but in some ways I felt she was making her own bed. I've probably missed some other examples but didn't want to make this too long.

I know I'm being judgemental but they don't seem to see quite how hideous they are making their children (other friends have stopped inviting them to events) or that they are making things harder for themselves in the long run.

Am I wrong to think they need a wake up call on their children's behaviour? Anyone know anyone like this and how was it fixed?

Well I'm pretty sure others on here would disagree with my pov, and that's fine....but I can't be bothered with it, and won't entertain wasting my free time with domineering little horrors and ineffectual parents. It's teeth grindingly awful to be around.

Actually there WAS one occasion I did say the unsayable....but that was (and still is) a very close friend. She used to allow her dd to slap and kick her, and I found it stomach churning to watch.
One time I had had enough of it, so stood up and said 'I'm so sorry, but I can't watch this any longer'

It ended up with my poor friend in tears, but thankfully she knew I was right and resolved to put a stop to it forthwith. Which she did.

The vast majority of the time though, I'd not say a word.

Senorita

if you're not that close to the mum, and the dad is clearly utterly blind to the behaviour of his own children, then I would write off the holiday to experience and never do it again; and sadly doesn't look like you're in a position to help with chatting it through with the mum.

I'm betting you and she were the ones in charge of the kids most of the time while the dads chilled out together? Certainly you talk about the mum and not the dad's actions in your OP, so the dad is presumably not much of a hands-on parent?

if your DH and his mate still want to meet up, they will have to have their own holiday, or you will need to think of other ways round it, like going to a hotel so you get your own space or just visiting when you're next in their country / they in yours. But don't ever do a shared self catering holiday with them again!

Abelia - you are right her DH doesn't do much to support her. He does step in sometimes but not much. I am lucky as my DH is quite hands on and didn't let this stop him being part of our DC's holiday.

Sadly, I don't think I will be able to 'get out' of any holidays with them in the future because we do live in different countries, the nature will always be to either go away or stay with them for a bit. It is quite far though, so hopefully they'll be better when we go again (maybe a few years). DH and I have agreed though that next time we will break time up with them (ie. a few days here and there rather than a week at a time).

A lot of people make a pig's ear of looking after 2 or 3 siblings under 5, because it can be really, really difficult and stressful. This is particularly true if you are on holiday and everything you normally do is a bit disrupted. There were times when my children behaved in a less than ideal way as preschoolers, as did those of many of my friends. They all turned out alright in the end.

I hope so MillyR, then when we go back in a few years it will be lovely again (fingers crossed anyway).

Not wishing to be funny, but that 'style' of parenting was absolutely typical in Egypt. The one bowl and racing around the house is what they do.

You say they are in a different country to you, if it happens to be out there, i wouldn't raise an eyebrow. I still wouldn't blame you for being shocked and aghast though. I was and I lived there for 3yrs.

I also think that having a 3yo boy and a 1yo can be a really difficult and stressful time (been there!). Fortunately, time goes on and things improve. Sounds like a crappy hol though!

NerHissyness - not Egypt a country we used to live in so i know it's not usual practice.

Greenlime - I totally agree but I think she's just making it worse. I just hope it rides out rather than fuels the situation IYSWIM.