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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ignore this 'apology'?

29 replies

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/05/2011 22:58

I've posted before about a tedious online stalker (who I do actually know in RL but haven't seen in the flesh for ages). He has been quiet for ages - sent a bizarre message around New Year after months of silence, at which point I finally replied 'Do not attempt to contact me again'. Now he has sent another message basically apologising and claiming to have MH problems. Well he does have MH problems, obviously, but I simply don't want to be friends with him, so is ignoring him the best option?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 15/05/2011 23:00

Yes just ignore, if he is sending via email, block his email address so that any mail he sends gets bounced back.

cookielove · 15/05/2011 23:00

Yes just ignore, if you engage him he may think that this is the green light to continue. Best to ignore.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 15/05/2011 23:03

Could you mock up a sorry this email address isn't recognised response?

Do not fall for it. I have had one of these and I once got sucked back in with him telling me he had been diagnosed with clinical depression. You're right, he may have MH problems, and in many other circumstances I might say be kind, but not if you perceive any sense of threat or further/increased intrusion. Any kind of communication will be interpreted as a positive improvement on silence so only silence will do.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 15/05/2011 23:05

And agree with Fabby - blocking is the best idea. Do you allow him to communicate with you because you almost like to keep a wary eye on him from a distance?

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 23:07

Definately definately ignore him.

If he truly is sorry and regrets and understands what he's done he'll accept you won't want to reply.

If he starts badgering you to accept his apology, then you'll have been proved right and it was just a ploy to start up communications again.

Original poster
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/05/2011 23:17

TKE: Yes, I haven't blocked him because I want to know what he's up to - when he was at his most tiresome he was sending all sorts of grim messages to other people and 'helpfully' CC_ing them to me.
The apology was sent by Facebook, along with a friend request. So I am just a little bit inclined to think that he wants to be added as a friend so he can find out stuff about me.

OP posts:
cookielove · 15/05/2011 23:25

I had a brief issue with some one who had stalking tendencys, i am sure not as extreme as your own problems, she was actually one of my ex's girlfriends, she became very obsessed with me and use to text me continually, even after i changed numbers, she stole my number off a mutual friends phone. She wanted to be friends, any who i basically said i would contact the police if she didn't stop. She did thank god, but now so many years later, she occasionally accidently friend request me on face book, and on mutual friends pages, she will always leave a comment if i have left one. I just ignore her, and do not engage in any conversation. Although i have kept her number on my phone so i will know if it is her texting or calling.

With these things it is best to ignore, ignore, ignore,

swampster · 15/05/2011 23:27

I have one of those. Ignore.

MadamDeathstare · 15/05/2011 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PumpkinSnatch · 15/05/2011 23:32

I would personally respond saying that I'm sorry to hear he has mh problems and you hope he gets the help he needs but his behaviour has made you uncomfortable so you won't be accepting his friend request or replying to any further correspondence. No idea if that is the right thing to do or not though!

Katisha · 15/05/2011 23:36

Ignore.
If he ups the ante then you may need heavier guns.

MumblingRagDoll · 15/05/2011 23:44

Gosh aren't you scared? I would be....if he continues then keep a record and consider telling the police.

ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 23:48

If you can contact him without adding him as a friend I would send him a message to say you are sorry to hear about his mental health problems but that as you have previously told him you do not want any contact from him and should he persist you will be taking this to the police.

Katisha · 15/05/2011 23:50

I think no contact is the only way.
He will read any message from you as encouragement. A response from you means he has the power to engage with you. Ignore ignore ignore.

Katisha · 15/05/2011 23:51

Normal social converntions like saying you are sorry to hear of his problems will not help here, I am sure of it. Just tells him he has re-established a link.

Original poster
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/05/2011 23:51

Yes, am definitely going to ignore. He has done similar in the past, for one thing.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 16/05/2011 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 16/05/2011 09:38

ignore completely

or have him killed

both would work, but the second one might get you in trouble

plupervert · 16/05/2011 10:49

Yes, ignore. If he does indeed have mental health problems, it could confuse matters for him to interact with his "focus". A bit like alcoholics, who must stay away from all alcohol, as they cannot have a normal relationship with any amount of alcohol.

MadamDeathstare's notion about the 12-step programme is also very plausible.

Basically, if he is ill, you will be helping him; if he's malicious (and malingering), you won't be helping him.

Sorry this has come back again.

loiner45 · 16/05/2011 11:13

ignore but don't block - filter his emails into a folder, if they upset you ask someone else to look at them for you. If you become worried at all, and need to report his behaviour, you will need evidence that it is persistent harassment. I had to report a cyber stalker to his ISP many years ago - luckily he was in the US so I didn't feel physically intimidated.

PumpkinSnatch · 16/05/2011 13:07

I would worry that ignoring would mean he would try face to face contact - have you had any advice from the police on how best to deal with it OP?

Mumofaflump · 16/05/2011 14:10

DO NOT MESSAGE BACK ON FACEBOOK

Sorry for the shouting but if you respond to a PM on facebook it gives the sender access to your profile for 30 days. Best thing would be to ignore the message and make your profile completely private (unsearchable).

Again, sorry for the shouting!

PinotGrigiosKittens · 16/05/2011 14:25

Block him on facebook...when you decline the friend request, theres an option to block person, so even if he searches for you you won't appear and he won't be able to message you again as your name will be unclickable.

sprinkles77 · 16/05/2011 14:31

mumofalump is right. Do not message back or he will be able to see your profine. Hers is all good advice. Save messages he sends you. Could be useful later.

Original poster
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 16/05/2011 16:15

I'm not messaging back, don't worry. He has not been in touch since Friday, so hopefully he will sod off and stay off for another 6 months at least. I'm not afraid of him, he doesn't know where I live and if he were to turn up at some event or other TBH he is a flabby middle-aged alcoholic/ketamine-head who I could knock over with one good push. (And he wouldn't have a gun, that's not the way his mind works.) I did briefly think, I told him not to contact me and now he has, but reporting him to the police for apologising seems unecessarily spiteful and spineless.

OP posts:
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