to think that if you don't believe in monogomy, you should let your partner know?

[DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason]

I have just deleted something on another thread because it was moving miles away from the OP, but am interested to know.

I have no problem with couples who are not monogomous. I do, however, take issue where one person cheats because they would not mind if their partner did too, but doesn't tell the partner that they are sleeping with someone else. Personal views on cheating aside, if you don't think monogomy is necessary for a happy relationship, why would you not tell your partner? It must be because you think you are doing something wrong, something your partner may not be entirely happy with. Why would you happily shag lots of people without giving your partner the same option, if it does indeed make for a happier relationship? I think it is the deceit that makes me uncomfortable, but I know some people who have cheated on their partner and claim that it has made them a better partner, more relaxed, less needy etc. So tell your partner, let them sleep with someone else and then they can see if it improves the relationship for them.

AIBU to think that monogomy or the lack of should be an agreed thing in a relationship?

I have no idea. But it's not for me and I don't know anyone who lives that way so I'm afraid I simply couldn't care less! Other people's lack of morals has to be their own business.

YANBU - in my opinion but I know someone who's friend has had an affair her entire, married life. She knows her DH would be devastated but also knows she would not be happy woithout this affair. As a 'couple' they are blissfully happy and have been married over 20 years. For some it's a grey area as they argue thet aren't hurting anyone. I say poo to that!

Piazza the way you say 'lack of morals' implies that you do consider it unfair on one person.

DoMeDon What confuses me is that her affair has made her so much more happy and, she reckons, made her DH much more happy. So why not give him the opportunity to have an affair and possibly make both of them even happier, if that's what the affair has done? Because she wants to keep her DH and her lover but doesn't want to risk losing DH, even if he would be happier in another situation. Tell me that's not selfish.

Some people just want to have their cake and eat it.

I like eating cake too. People who admit that they are having an affair for selfish reasons, I can understand why they don't tell their partner (not that I necessarily agree). It is when people say that having an affair actually benefits the other person I don't get it. If it does, and if having an affair is so beneficial, why not let the other person in on the secret and everyone can be happier? It is this moral high ground I find objectionable, that actually their actions are benefiting the person they are cheating on.

Self-delusion is a common affliction and some sufferers say, and do, all sorts of weird and wonderful things to justify their actions to themselves and to others.

Where an individual truly believes that having an affair without their DH/DP's knowledge is beneficial to the relationship I see no reason why they shouldn't spead the joy and encourage their main wo/man to embark on their own extra-curricular activities,

However, I suspect that many of these brave new worlders are unlikely to find themselves cohabiting in a double-bubble of bliss once they've shared the secret of their inner happiness.

IME long term open relationships can only be sustained if previously agreed ground rules governing romantic and /or sexual dalliances with others are adhered to by both parties, and due allowance is made for the wobble factor. Sadly, this state of affairs (no pun intended) can be too much like hard work for my taste.

Polyandry has worked for me as would polygamy - but not, I hasten to add, with a Mormon who looks like a ZZ Top wannabe.

There's nothing wrong with a non monogamous relationship if both people in the relationship know about it and are happy about it. However, if only one person knows then afaic that's just plain cheating.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was anything other than monogamous. If any DP/H I had wanted polygamy then he'd have to accept me ending the relationship, he can't have it both ways.

YABU for assuming that 'honesty is the best policy'. It really isn't. Many people can go along for year in ignorant bliss of each other's infidelity and it can work very well indeed if managed correctly. It tends to be when the news comes out into the open that some feel an obligation to make a choice or set an ultimatum. 'Not telling' is often the best policy all round.

Until you have felt less than worthless after finding out your husband has cheated and your living a lie, then I don't think you have a right to put a judgement on it.

People can assume all they want, but until your world is destroyed by infidelity, you have no idea how it feels.

And this bollocks of some affairs are good? Only the people having the affair can say that but It just shows how self centered these people really are. If your married act it. If you can't then separate but no-one has the right to take their partner for a mug!

It is not the assumption that honesty is the best policy, it is that honest is the fair policy. If you truly think you are happier because of having an affair, why not let your partner decide if they want to increase their happiness by having an affair? Or are you the only one who is allowed to be extra happy?

All this bollocks of 'My affair makes me happpier and therefore my relationship is better and my partner happier' is a cover for; 'I want everything but I don't want to give my partner the opportunity to have everything in case I end up with nothing'. A bit mean? Or the arrogant assumption that your partner could not possibly be happier than they are with you, when you are not totally happy with only them?

As I said, when both partners believe in an open relationship, fine. But otherwise it is cheating, lying and selfish.

"Until you have felt less than worthless after finding out your husband has cheated and your living a lie, then I don't think you have a right to put a judgement on it."

I have had exactly that experience, know exactly how it feels & I'm perfectly placed to judge. As I said before. It's only when the news comes out into the open that feelings are hurt - and this is not a given. It would be incredibly selfish to tell a partner 'I've been having an affair and have enjoyed it so much that I think you should have one....' It's equally selfish to unburden your guilt on a partner, simply because you're finding it difficult to live with. And how does the unfaithful partner know that the other party is faithful anyway, which appears to be the automatic assumption of the set-up? For a constructive relationship, either be very up-front about your appetites from the outset, be 100% faithful or have your flings but resist the temptation to blab.

Why would it be incredibly selfish to tell a partner 'I've been having an affair and have enjoyed it so much that I think you should have one....'? Because you think they can only be happy with you and only you? If you truly thought it had made you happier and made your marriage better, why deny your partner the right to all this extra happiness?

There's only one good reason for owning up to an affair and that's to announce your departure. Anything else is pure self-indulgence.

Well, for a start it's illegal isn't it?

Secondly, I agree with glitteryturd there is nothing that destrys you like finding out you are living a lie. and unless you have felt that you have no place saying it is okay.

Even if you think that it is doing your relationship good, can anyone say that they are certain their partner wouldnt find out?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 16-May-11 15:16:49
There's only one good reason for owning up to an affair and that's to announce your departure. Anything else is pure self-indulgence.

What about allowing your partner the option of the same level of happiness?

The affair is self-indulgence, so clearly anyone who has an affair is well on the way to self-indulgence anyway? Why not self-indulge some more and let your partner in on the action?

If you don't believe in monogamy and are sleeping with other people you should tell your partner.
If you don't believe in monogamy but love them enough to put this aside and not sleep with anyone else it's probably best not to tell them