to not want to apologise for my fertility?

[BumWiper]

My youngest SIL is unable to have children.She has known this for some years.Anyway she has told her extended family that i only got pregnant with the last DC just to rub her nose in it as she was going through IVF,and is refusing to come to the christening until we apologise.last DC was a happy surprise.she has also said that i am not a natural mother because i feed with formula.
sometimes i wonder if i knew what dh's family was like would i ever have married him

I doubt anyone would really think you had a baby out of spite to rub her nose in it - that would be daft. If she says that, surely no-one will believe her.

You shouldn't apologise - you've done nothing wrong

If she doesn't want to come to the christening I don't think you should force the issue. That's her choice.

Just to pick up on your OP, knowing that you can't have children naturally and knowing that you can't have children at all are two different things. She might have known for a while that she was going to have problems, but still think that things would come right with fertility treatment.

Were you around for her when she was going through IVF? Did you do a pg announcement when she was right in the middle of a cycle, or at a time when she might have felt particularly sensitive about things (like during the 2ww)? Is she still having IVF? She's not right to ask you to apologise for being pg, but you might have dropped a bombshell when it wasn't a good time for her, and maybe that's what all this is about?

Anyway, I think Maryz's approach is the right one, and don't get too het up about her not being there. She's got the rest of the baby's life to make it up, and it sounds like she needs time to sort herself out first.

How was your pregnancy announced?

In a quiet way with SIL with some sympathy to what she was going through and how hard it would be for her?

Or "ha ha pregnant again- whoops!" kind of way?

Because pregnancy can be very hard for people dealing with infertility- however annoying this is for you, how ever upset you might be or not be at her not being at your cshristening its worse for your sil.

Trust me it shoudln't matter but there were times when I heard about somebody's firend's sister got pregnant and I wanted to lash out. I actually thought about starting a thread linking to a fertility site today but wasn't sure if I should. I just wish people had a tiny little clue about what it was like before they make comments on mumsnet about how its their right to tell all and sundry about their pregnancy and if someone is dealaing with MC or infertility they shoudl suck it up. (not saying you did this, but an attitude I have seen frequently thrown about)

Infertility is a horrible horrible thing and I find myself unreasonably jealous of other people's huge happy families when I have only been able to have one child. It must be so much harder when you haven't been able to have one at all. I think your SIL must be feeling very very sad and angry indeed. Having said that, you have absolutely nothing to apologise for - it is not your 'fault' that you are so blessed. In your place, I'd send her a nice message saying that you are sorry she doesn't want to come to the christening but that there will always be a place in your and your children's lives for her because she's family and you all love her. Then just leave it. One day she will want to be part of your lives if she's any kind of aunt at all. If she doesn't it is most certainly her loss.