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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you have asked him to have left by now?

19 replies

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 20:18

My Dp and I have been togther for a long time ,we have been engaged for 6 years,known each other for nearly 18 or so years if I have tbh I do not want to marry him anymore,or wander why we are still togther.

I have had no sexual relationship with him for 1 year and neither do I want to anymore, he does not help me in anyway with the kids and he goes out with his friends at least twice a week.

Im on my own alot and I have started to feel resentful towards him,I did have a drink or two when the kids were in bed,but have stopped having a drink in the week,and feel better and have lost weight becuase of it and the diet im on .

Today been out to a kids party he then went to the pub,the kids were playing up when he came home ,I tried to put them to bed this evening after a late tea ,he then started to question my parenting skills.

I was having a glass of wine and trying to watch a film and thought we could have a talk,I said I give up as he was just letting them jump on top him mucking about.

He now has let the eldest back out of his bed and is now in our room,and when I go to bed he will ask him to remain their ,so I will end up sleeping in his bed.

I cant go on like this and Im really trying to sort myself out with regards to being depressed I feel we are going nowhere and im trapped in a loveless relationship,so should I ask him to leave now?.

OP posts:

chocolatepuff · 15/05/2011 20:21

would you consider counselling first? atleast you'd feel you'd done everything you can to save it.

Original poster

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 20:26

We have talked about it but nothing has come of it before,I can not spend my life going on like this, I feel totally unappreciated and unloved,I would rather be lonely and unloved and find someone who does love me and appreciate me then go on like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 20:28

Bump

OP posts:

RabbitFood · 15/05/2011 20:32

Do you still love him? If not, tell him to sling his hook. Move on and be happy.

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 20:32

18 years is such a long time, is it possible to pinpoint a time where you first noticed him withdrawing?

It sounds like you're both just coasting because it's easier to stay together than take the step to break away.

If he did go back to how he was when you were both loved up together would you still want to stay with him?

Or have you accepted this isn't the man you want to be with anymore, and your mind won't be changed?

NimpyWindowmash · 15/05/2011 20:37

Well, it sounds like you have big issues. But I wouldn't just give up, not when you have kids together. I would tell him how seriously unhappy you are with the relationship and that you are considering ending the relationship, and discuss what you are both going to do about it. It would be a shame not to try counselling, even if there's no hope, it might be useful to reflect on what's been going on.

chocolatepuff · 15/05/2011 20:43

agree with Nimpy, in the very least counselling will help you break up as healthily as possible. when you've been unhappy for so long it feels only possible to see in black and white, to keep on with it or split.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/05/2011 20:48

Counseling will only have a chance of working if this man is prepared to attend counselling and make an effort, which doesn't sound terribly likely as the OP's posts suggest he is lazy, selfish and only staying in the relationship because he likes having his dinner cooked and his socks washed.

Original poster

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 20:49

The only way it would get back to the way it was if he lost weight,made a effort to help out more,stopped going out as much with his mates, if not im not interested.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 20:56

Have you ever put a make or break ultimatum to him, either he makes the effort or you're going to have to end it?

Original poster

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 20:58

Yes and he says you move out,you cant cope finacially without me blah blah.

I can never win I have told him tonight I can not go on like this anymore and I want him to leave his response was the above.

OP posts:

Original poster

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 20:59

Except the finacial part,but that will come in at some point trust me.

OP posts:

Original poster

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 21:09

bump

I have asked him to leave tomorrow,should I just pack a bag.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 21:10

Have you ever looked at the feasibility of leaving him to it?

I think if it were me I'd look into the possibility of how much it'd cost for you to live somewhere else, and give him how you'd do it on a piece of paper and then see what he'd say.

Call his bluff, then at least you'd know one way or another, if he's not that fussed then you're better off without.

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 21:11

x-posts, how can you force him to leave though?

Original poster

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 21:12

I could move out tomorrow when he is at work Agent and leave him a note and go stay with my parents for a few days?.

OP posts:

Original poster

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 21:17

bump

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 21:22

I was thinking more of a calling his bluff and showing him you're seriously thinking of leaving giving him the chance to try and keep you there, rather than doing anything that burned bridges and left you high and dry - him in the house and you homeless.

Just something to give him the kick up the arse - if he's open to it and for some reason isn't able to show he does care about you and his DC.

Original poster

bloomsinmay · 15/05/2011 21:41

Sorry Agent pc crashed,I dont know what to do from here really,I have had enough of being the sole provider of the kids never having a reak,knowone taking care of me.

It would be nice for someone to show me they loved me,I get that from the kids but not from him he just takes the piss from me and expects me to be there when he comes home.

I cant bear the loneless anymore,I just want to be told I love you and be appreciated and I dont mean flowers or gifts but be shown it.

OP posts:

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