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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my DP that his father used to hit his mother?

12 replies

LessonsinL · 15/05/2011 19:49

Long story, but my DP's father no longer lives with the family and has not done so for many years. His 2 sisters are half-sisters from his mother's previous relationship, and are both about 7 or 8 years older. He feels he has never really got on with the eldest sister but put that down to jealousy as he is the youngest.

The other week, his halfsister and I got a bit giggly on a few bottles of wine and I asked why she had never got on with my DP or his father. She revealed to me that it was because when her mother and DP's father got together, he used to hit her, and her mother - proper beatings along with threats of "if you tell anyone, I'll kill you". I was obviously shocked and agreed to keep this secret as it was clearly an emotional point for her.

DP has no idea that this is the case. I now no longer want to spend any more time with his father at family events, and he's beginning to notice. Do I tell him that it's because his dad was an abusive arsehole? I know it's not my place to reveal this sort of sensitive information but I'm really not sure what to do.

OP posts:

BingRugmole · 15/05/2011 19:51

You're right. It's not your place to reveal this sort of sensitive information.

Kendodd · 15/05/2011 19:52

Why don't you talk to his sister about it and tell her you want to tell your DP?

squeakytoy · 15/05/2011 19:52

You agreed to keep it secret and I think you really do have to honour that promise. It must be very difficult.

I think you have to detach and put it out of your mind. If it means putting on an act in the fathers presence, then I would say out of respect for your SILs wishes, you must do that.

Original poster

LessonsinL · 15/05/2011 19:57

Yes, very helpful bingrugmole

OP posts:

Straight2Extremes · 15/05/2011 20:01

I don't think you should be the one to tell him this.

icooksocks · 15/05/2011 20:02

I know just how you feel, I am in a similar (ish) situation. My Mil confided to me not long ago that Fil has violent tempers and has smashed up thier belongings (she claims he did not hurt her-although I'm not sure) on several occasions. She made me swear not to tell DH as he would go mad at his dad if he knew. She told me if it wasn't for her grandchildren she would probably have left long ago, but she doesn't want to shake their lives up. I told her she was daft and the kids would cope fine (our children are their only GC) but she wouldnt have any of it. So for now I've kept my promise DH and knows nothing, I di however make it quite clear that if I gt wind of FIL hurting her then I would tell DH immediately.

inchoccyheaven · 15/05/2011 21:34

This must be very difficult for you to keep secret. Have you ever noticed aggression etc in your FIL before this was mentioned and how long ago did it happen?

My Dad was violent towards myself and my mum, not so much my sister who was his favourite, but he isn't like it now and I have no reason to think he behaves this way with his second family. Circumstances were never ideal for my mum and dad and although it wasn't acceptable for him to do what he did, I can now understand a bit of why he was like it. He has changed a lot over the years and has said he shouldn't have behaved as he did.

Maybe your FIL has changed, maybe he hasn't, but I think you should consider judging him on his behaviour now rather than the past.

AgentZigzag · 15/05/2011 21:40

I agree with BingRugmole, go with your instincts and say nothing.

If you're drinking and giggling with his sister, you must have a good relationship with her.

Why would you risk that?

It's not your information to tell, although I can understand it must seem a bit dishonest knowing something your DP doesn't, but telling him won't change the past and might scupper the good relationships you have with is wider family.

DoMeDon · 15/05/2011 22:30

Do you think DH would change his relationship with his DSis over this revalation? It seems a shame they do not get on well but the outcome of telling cannot be predicted. If you must talk to someone, talk to his DSis and say how uncomfortable you feel now as you think he deserves to know. Personally I can't see what it would achieve as he is unlikely to turn on his DF, no matter what!

Original poster

LessonsinL · 15/05/2011 22:40

Thanks for the advice ladies, I'm just a bit concerned that if he found out that I knew and said nothing that it may affect our relationship...

I think I'm going to keep mum on this one :)

OP posts:

Yama · 15/05/2011 22:43

I don't think I could keep something like that from my dh.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/05/2011 22:50

I would tell my DH. I think it was wrong for her to reveal something that important and then expect you to keep it from your husband, when it affects his whole life. This has indirectly affected his relationship with his sister and will impact on the relationship he has with his dad. He deserves to know what has gone on in his own family, especially as it still has an impact on relationships within that family.

Your first loyalty is to your DH, as much as you might be close to his sister.

Also, she might have told you because she wants it to be out there and expects you to tell DH. If this is true then it shouldn't be buried. Your FIL doesn't deserve love and respect.

The other thing of course, is that you also have a right not to spend time with a wife beater and have to pretend that everything is okay.

This is a can of worms, but the lid is off now. I think you have to deal with it.

If my DH kept something like this about my family from me, I'd go ballistic.

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