AIBU in expecting OH to do more around the house

My DH is the same, I feel like a single mum of two! We're the ones to blame though for putting up with it.... :)

It's simple - you should both have equal amounts of free time for your hobbies. If he has more time for himself than you do, then he is not being respectful of you as a partner and he needs to change. So, document all of this in a diary and work it all out.

do you have children?

Can't he get his own breakfast?

So all he does is mow the grass?

there is a solution to this.

you need to only do stuff when he is doing it. so only cook if he is also there cooking with you. only do the shopping if he is coming along with you. in the morning, only bring down your own washing and continue to do so til he realises he needs to do his own (it really doesn't take much effort for him to bring his washing down) similarly, once he is bringing his own washing down, you only hang it out if he is there hanging aswell. ame goes for things like putting up shelves or fixing things. dont do anything until he is right there with you. it may sound ridiculous, and yes, there will be a period where things are not getting done but until he is actually 'living' your life, i.e; doing as much as you are doing exactly equally, he will not realise how much you actually do. this wont be a permanent state of affairs. one of two things will happen. either you will get fed up waiting for him to be available to do things with you (which is your aim, don't lose sight of your aim) and you will go back to normal and nothing will get solved. or he will realise that you were doing more and you will have a proper chat and decide who will do what and a realistic timescale for things to be done in.

I would tell him you'll either A) cut down your hours at work so you can fit in the housework or B) get a cleaner.

I don't think any amount of nagging will up his work intake. It didn't work for me in a past relationship anyway! He sounds like a busy man.

We sat down and worked out how long these things took every week - and then arranged it so it was equal -we also knew who was doing what -so it was clear what got dropped, but my OH quite likes DIY etc, he did the washing until we had kids - does the food shop now - and is pretty good if he says he would do something he does it - I do more now as I work less now but thats fine - oh and if someone cooks the other washes up
I would stop sorting his breakfast and lunch out for starters - and how about a cleaner? and maybe odd job person, And it sound like he has 3 time consuming hobbies, and a small business - does it make a fair amount of money, and a full time job - and you sound quite busy as well - so it no that suprising he doesn't have much time to do stuff round the house - but if you are that busy the only way to do is a routine - or do less stuff - assuming you don't have kids but if you are thinking about it get this sorted now otherwise it will be a nightmare - sorry

Stop making his lunch for him. Stop getting his breakfast. Wash your own clothes only. Cook a meal maybe 3 or 4 nights of the week, at other times get yourself a bowl of soup or a sandwich or even a takeaway.

I take it you don't have children?

you sound like you are mothering him...! how old is he?

i know how frustrating it is to leave things undone waiting for someone to notice but if you want this sorted you will have to grin and bear it for a while. he doesn't notice at the minute because you always do it. if you stopped doing things, i promise you, he will notice. he will walk past that shelf and say "why is that shelf broken" or "why have we no food in" etc etc. he will notice but you have to give him the chance to notice by not doing everything. yes it will be uncomfortable for a while but if you give in and do it he will learn that he just has to outlast you in the waiting game.

he pays someone to iron his stuff


Really? how juvenile if your stuff isnt included.

Stop getting him breakfast and lunch as he is not a child and you are not his mother. Tell him (don't ask) that he will be organising dinner 3 or 4 times a week.

He can also pay for your clothes to be ironed.

If it's like this now and you don't even have kids yet...

I know what you mean about him not 'seeing' mess - my DH is exactly the same. I think it's a combination of not actually caring about it, and knowing that basically even if you do see it, the longer you do nothing, the more likely your mum/wife is going to come along and sort it out for you.

I think my heartfelt advice to you is sort this NOW and be as assertive as you need to. He might not care as much about the house, he might not 'see' the mess - fine; but HE HAS CHOSEN TO HAVE A HOUSE, TO SET UP HOME AND TO LIVE WITH YOU - no one made him, if he wanted to live exactly as HE wants then he should stay single or not live with you.

I had to have this out with my DH numerous times and it took me saying to him very strongly - you have chosen this, you didn't have to choose a house and to settle with me, you CHOSE it therefore there are responsibilities

Its about give and take too of course; DH has a horribly messy 'craft' table in the corner of our kitchen but I ignore that because it's fair he has some space and I don't try to control the mess.

But the rest of the house, we do together.

Also if you are thinking of having kids ensure that he truly understands and values what you do at home, by having sole charge of the baby as much as possible. If we always 'protect' the men by never giving them sole charge, we can't expect them to understand - and we make it too easy for them to think to themselves that we're at home basically with our feet up drinking coffee while they work.

He needs to do enough of the childcare to understand that work is a rest!

Also, you're at home to look after and bring up your child NOT convert to full time house slave.

Of course I did extra while I was home full time - but what worked for us what that as soon as DH walked in the door, we were then EQUAL partners in doing all that needed doing together. If I cooked, he washed up, if I'm putting DS to bed, he's putting washing on/tidying etc and so on

Sorry for the long post. Touched a nerve with me as you can see!!!

Did you all marry children??

Did you all marry children??

They probably all married men whose mothers did it all for them! If you start a thread on here about letting 3 yr olds set the table etc you very quickly get women saying 'how cruel-they are only DCs'! They are never too young to start.

haha the very act of making a mans breakfast or lunch for him immediately tells him he is the most deserving of the 2 of you and is somehow less able to do mundane tasks. It is sad that so many men have this idea that their partners are somehow more responsible for household tasks than they are. My ds3 was raised in a very equal household and i have always worked and made the children do chores. He is now living with gf and acts like a right chauvanist about housework,luckily she has me as a mil to tell her to put him in his place.

You make his breakfast and lunch?!?!
I'm the first to admit I do far too much for dp,but come on!

What's wrong with making your partner's breakfast? If you're having it together you might as well. Must admit, I draw the line at a packed lunch. Unless I was doing the same for myself. In our house, I cook and DH washes up/cleans kitchen. Well, I say "cleans"...

It's not a fair 'sharing' of the workload, but I think you already know that. My DH doesn't 'see' mess either (genuinely not thinking things are messy, when I think they're awful!). We've been back and forth with how I need to lower my expectations, and he needs to raise his recognition of mess. We have come to a compromise of sorts.

I have relaxed a bit, and he is getting better at doing his bit (although I don't think he 'sees' the mess still, but knows through all my nagging and therefore now through force of habit what to do.

We have settled into routines, so he'll do the recycling, I do the bins. We made a pact that one of us would do the laundry (which I hate ) and the other do the washing up, but his way of doing the laundry got on my nerves so much we swapped!! :o

Now I just ask him to do stuff when I'm in a tidy-up mode and we kind of blitz the place. I still feel I do more of the housework, but he does more of the cooking.

Your DH needs to understand how much you do, and you def need to do a bit less.

Haha appleyeverafter - my DH is supposed to 'clean' the kitchen too . I do it again the next morning, by actually lifting the kettle and cleaning around it, putting stuff on the draining board away etc etc

Hubba it's annoying isn't it? DH just can't see crumbs. But he does do lots of laundry, feeds pets and does the bins so I'll forgive him. I think he may be shocked when our baby comes and the laundry increases threefold though!