To consider leaving an otherwise happy relationship over sex

[Sittingknitting]

My relationship with dh ( been together 12 years have 4dc age 6 and under) is pretty good BUT since having dc 4 he has started well I would call it blackmailing over sex. We actually have sex probably once or twice a week anyway but if he wants it more he just starts saying things like "why don't you love me anymore" and other things just because he can't have his own way, including at wildy inappropriate times such as this morning when all the children were downstairs alone (including 9 month old) he just expected me to leap into bed and leave them unattended which I wouldnt do so then the accusations and grumps started - it will last all day.
When dc 4 was one WEEK old and is breastfed so i was still very sore from that too let alne having just had an 8 pound baby and being on medication for high blood pressure still, he was seemed to think that it was a perfectly reasonable time to start with this nagging and blackmailing.

I am a sahm to 4 young dcs with no family or friends near and no where else to go i dont even drive (sounding pathetic here arent i) but all I can think about today is just getting the kids in th buggy and leaving just walking somewhere else - I even looked up bed and breakfasts or hotels near is or near to my sister (who lives hundreds of miles away - so can't really go because of kids school tomorrow!!) but I couldn't even find anywhere that one adult can sleep with 4 dcs needing two cots oh that doesn't cost too much because all I have of my own is £200.

Seriously am i being stupid I know I can't leave that easily but my otherwise happy relationship is being ruined by this. A mi being unreasonable to consider leaving a happy relationship over this?

Hasn't this man heard of a wank?

YANBU. Just a thought; I've been on these threads a long time, and have noticed how often a poster who doesn't drive and feels trapped/limited. In the longer term, learn to drive.

It is NOT a happy relationship.
Having said that, imo you would be a fool to move away without discussing how you feel, especially the strength of the feeling, without giving him a chance to put things right.

Echt I am having lessons :)

Wobbling I have tried to talk about it with him but he refuses to think he is doing anything wrong then it turns into him making me feel silly for thinking he is doing anything wrong, he doesnt seem to thin he is being unreasonable to think or act like this or at least he doesn't seem to.

YANBU but you really do need to tell him how you feel.

I had exactly the same thing with my DH and it's wearing, not to mention the biggest turn off ever. We worked it through and it's fine now but I really had to tell him how I felt and that being so needy about it was just putting me off completely.

I cannot see how this can be a happy, healthy relationship if he blackmails you over anything.

Ah I see you've tried to talk to him. Does he not realise how upsetting this is for you? I wanted to have sex with DH - just not when I had children hanging off me or when I was making the tea or packed lunches or cleaning to bathroom. I don't like being grabbed by the arse every two seconds. You really do need to try to talk to him again, I think it's the only way forward.

YANBU my ex was the same and it made me so miserable, in the end I used to dread having sex and just did it to get it over with and stop him moaning and getting angry.
However, since you have been together so long and it's only recently started, do you think he would agree to some counselling?
If he doesn't talk about it then it could very well be the beginning of the end for the relationship sadly

Ok this behaviour counts for at least 2 red flags. Not listening to your legitimate concerns over his demands for sex and 'making you feel silly' for bringing it up.

Unless there is a lot more you are not telling us, I would say to be firm with him and tell him that him badgering you for sex is unattractive and actually counter-productive as it's putting you OFF him, so if he fancies a shag anytime soon, to back off and put better thought into his demeanour.

You being isolated, hundreds of miles from your nearest support system and only having £200 to your name is also worrying me.

If this is one of those threads where we find out he also keeps you short of money, is not happy when you have friends, and pulls a face if you mention anything to do with your family, then it's a different story. You have 4dc, not saying this is the case, but this too can be used to keep women 'in their place'

Be honest with yourself. How free are you?

If he has been blackmailing you for years for sex, including one week after the birth of a child, then he's a very selfish man and not going to change.

I know it's a cliche (to suggest leaving on MN), but I would think it's a good idea to plan to leave. Maybe post on the relationships board for more advice? Threads disappear v.quickly on AIBU.

Herhissyness I would say he is good in other respects, he doesn't keep me short of money (I only say I have £200 because this is what I have in my personal account as opposed to our joint account at the the moment our joint account is very low on funds as well!) he doesn't tell me what to do or try to keep me away from friends or family or anything (I moved away from them to go to uni) in all other respects he is a good partner. Having four dcs DOES limit what I can do especially breastfeeding but I wouldn't ba me that on him it has been a joint choice each time to have a baby, I mean obviously we have argument over things sometimes but the nagging for sex really is the only issue I would class as upsetting

Tell him you are so unhappy about this you are thinking of ending the relationship.

I have the same with my DH. I have refused to have sex with him now for nearly a year. I have no sex drive and he does not pull his weight around the house IMO. This leaves me depressed and exhausted. He also sulks and we argue about it but I cannot force myself to have sex. Neither should you.

Could he leave? Do you have friends in RL you can talk to? Sorry you are having such a hard time. Stay strong for your little ones.

4 DC aged 6 and under must be shattering! I know how I felt when my two were that age and I was a SAHM. You will, no doubt get a lot of posts telling you how nasty/twattish (and worse) your DH is. I suspect though, that he is seeing your time and energy, going to the children ( as it should), and is wondering where he fits in. Some people, men and women, see sex as proof of love. Maybe he is one of theses. I would say that actually, 1 or 2 times a week, with all that you have going on, is pretty good! Do you even want to have more sex? If so, then he needs to stop whining take a pro-active approach himself.

Does he do enough around the house and with the children? Someone on here suggests that work, chores, childcare, should be balanced between you so that you each have the same amount of 'leisure' time. Does that happen or does he get home from work and think he is finished for the day whereas you still have loads of stuff to do?

If he wants to leap into bed with you in the morning, is there any chance that he can arrange a weekend away for the two of you? Of course it would also be down to him to arrange suitable childcare as well.

Ha she ever looked after the children for the whole day? A weekend? maybe he should. Could you have a weekend with your family/friends and leave him to it? (Really, make sure he has to do what you would normally do, washing, shopping etc, won't work if you leave him with a house/freezer full of food and a pile of neatly washed and ironed clothes).

If this really is the only issue between you, it may be simply that you have to 'educate' him so that he understands what your life is like and how you feel over this.

Of course, it may be that he is doing all this and that you just don't feel you want more sex. In that case, you need to tell him that. You need to explain that fore the moment, your time and energies have to go to the children, but they are only young for a comparitively short time and as they get older, it gets easier to give time to each other again. Honestly. When mine were little my life just seemed like a blur of nappies/prams/playgroup/washing/ etc etc. As the DCs grew older and slightly more independant, things changed and gradually I realised they didn't need me in the same ways as when very young. They never stop needing you, but not always in such a 'hands - on way. Now mine are late teens/early twenties, though they are still here ( well, one at uni but home for holidays etc), it is more like having housemates and much easier all round.

Good luck.

Sayithowitis - I am not actually against the idea of more sex I have no problem with it for example when the children are asleep and Definatley not when the whole thing starts with him whining without even so much as a hug! I mean does that really get anyone in the mood for sex??
He works from home so he just tends to be in his office from around 9ish when he gets up to about 6 ish when we have dinner then in the evenings sometimes as well. I have no problem with this as I do like my own space as well this is how we have organised it From day 1 we spend time together through the day as we feel or in the evenings when we feel like. I do most of the day to day care including getting kids to bath, bed etc but he does most of the school runs so it sort fo balances out - If I ask directly he will help with childcare with no problem in the day as well as long as he has no urgent work which is fair enough!. I am going to ask him if he want ps to spend more time together in the evenings.

Oh he has never looked after all four chidren but he has looked after the older three for a day here and there.

You say your relationship is otherwise happy but, to be brutal, if he's blackmailing you over anything at all and making you feel silly then it doesn't sound happy to me. He sounds controlling.

Try again to talk to him and make him understand how his behaviour is making you feel.

This is exactly what happened to me, OP. The be all and end all of his existance was sex. In the end we split up and it put me off so much that I have now been single for 19 years.

Lots of issues here...

Are you saying that you'd be happy having more sex but that you just want it to only be when the DCs are asleep? Does he understand this?

When you say blackmail, what exactly do you mean? Can you give an example?

Has he ever coerced you into sex?

I suggest that you get him MUCH more involved in parenting his children. I'm willing to bet you are on duty from the moment your eyes open to the second they close.

What my X failed to realise was that to HELP ME OUT here and there, SUPPORT me and pick up the pace a little is WAY more appealing than dribbling and slathering and making suggestive remarks.

You look after all 4 kids day in and day out, he sits in his HOME OFFICE from 9-6? Oh boy he could do WAY MORE than he is doing now.

Sit him down at the beginning of the week, find out what his work load is and WHEN (NOT IF) he'd like to take care of the DC.

Tell him when you have YOU time and are able to make that into woman time THEN you will feel more 'up for it'.

It's an attention seeking thing, but he fails to see that if he got his finger out and MANNED UP and took on his share of the parenting, YOU would feel more disposed to having sex with him.

Tell him straight that the more he whines, the less he will get as nothing is more unattractive than a man whining for sex. He needs to take over care of the DC some of the time so that you get some time to yourself: to read a book, go shopping, see a friend, take an evening class - anything that is about you and benefits you only. For a couple-relationship to function happily then both partners need the same amount of leisure time. Leisure time is time without either chilcren to look after or chorse to do. Do NOT confuse 'leisure time' with 'couple time' and don't let him get away with 'dare night's because in a rlationship like this 'date nights' don't work. They just consist of going out to a Harvester or something and the man looking at his watch all the way through and asking the woman if she's horny yet.

If your H reacts to any of these suggestsions with aggression make plans to havehim removed from the house and a court order to keep him out. Because that would be a man who doesn't consider you a human being and will fairly soon escalate to raping you.