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had a miscarriage and my SIL has not spoken to me since

17 replies

LIG1979 · 15/05/2011 01:38

i had a miscarriage about a month ago and my SIL has not really spoken to me or my dh since. they live in the middle east and 2 days after the mc sent me a video of the their ds- i did the good thing (in my eyes) and when felt slightly better sent the "right response" and said "how happy i was" about their ds and their future child - no response at all. not once did i get any sorry abouT how they felt about our loss! i am in a terrible state but if anything, i feel that i am the one being unreasonable one. i want to be a good person-but i have not even had a sorry about what i am going through!!i sort of would like some sort of hello and concern yet i feel cut off - i really have tried to make an effort but not sure who to do now - my dh didn't quite now how things were till today....and now he has gone to sleep x x

OP posts:

LDNmummy · 15/05/2011 01:47

I'm sorry for your loss Sad

Why did they send you the video of their DS two days after your miscarriage? Had they already sent it from where they live before your MC and it happened to arrive two days after your MC?

Maybe they are feeling mortified by it if that is the case and have not known what to say. Especially as they are expecting another child, they may not know what to say.


madhattershouse · 15/05/2011 01:53

Many people have no idea of how to talk to someone after a miscarriage..they tend to avoid rather than offend! I've had 2 mc''s not nice and people find it tricky in how to resond. Give them the benefit of the doubt..! I had people crossing the road so as not to have to ask how I was.they are just unable to find the right thing to say!!


madhattershouse · 15/05/2011 01:55



LIG1979 · 15/05/2011 02:13

i thought i opened the doors (to contact) by responding to her little boys' crawling and saying how lovely it was he was crawling but she chose not to reply ( i sent an an email about it being brillaint that he was crawing, even though my miscarriage was only a week beforea and she knew that and couldn't be bothered to reply even though the week before we were discussing the 12 week scan.) i think i am upset about the lack of contact and why i am being ignored becausing i have had a miscarrage and feel some acknowledgement would be nice, or at least i would like some sort of contact! loosing a friend now it horrible when i need my friends more than ever - but then maybe it was never that great a loss based on her behaviour!!! thanks for the support x x

OP posts:

Silver1 · 15/05/2011 02:19

Lig you are grieving the loss of your child, I really wouldn't bother with her actions until you feel stronger. I am not being flippant I am sharing my experience.
Miscarriages are horrible-horrible things, grieve what you have lost, and when you feel stronger wonder about the loopiness or otherwise of your SIL.
FWIW I am sorry you lost your baby. Whilst you grieve for your child your SIL celebrates the milestones of hers, and she is entitled to do that, but how she does that shows who she is, and how you respond shows who you are. Try and come out of this the bigger person.


DontCallMePeanut · 15/05/2011 02:28

Sometimes people don't know what to say where a mc is concerned. BUT this is your DB and SIL. They should be supporting you.

It could be a chance that for some reason she didn't read your email until when you replied to her email.Which made her feel bad, as she realised it must have seemed she was insensitive by sending it then. So, she's at a loss for what to say.

Other than that, I don't know. :/ Do you have anyone you can speak to? If not, the girls on here are lovely. Sometimes you find help where you least expect it.

blackcurrants · 15/05/2011 02:51

oh lig I'm so sorry - I had a miscarriage last year and spent a couple of months feeling absolutely awful and finding the chatty chirrupy newsy emails from my siblings about their babies really painful. I don't have very useful advice but you are NOT alone. And a lot of people don't know how to talk about it, or talk to you when you talk about it.


Cadmum · 15/05/2011 04:46

I am sorry for your loss as well.

In my experience, people are funny about death in general and outrageous when it comes to miscarriages/stillbirths. My guess is that you sil is just finding the situation too uncomfortable. I am in no way trying to excuse her behaviour but I have been in similar situations and once my broken heart has started to heal I have asked difficult questions and been surprised by the answers.

Do you think that you could tell her how you are feeling once you are feeling stronger?

I have had 5 late miscarriages and it does not get easier to deal with family and friends' reactions (or lack thereof) but it has shown dh and I who the truly supportive and loving people are. I hope that you can find someone in rl to fill this role.

In tne meantime, MN is a wealth of fabulous women who have faced similar situations. I hope you can find some comfort here.


Icelollycraving · 15/05/2011 10:16

Sorry for your loss. Mc affect people in different ways,including the people around us.
I think it's probably that she is mortified that she sent it & has no clue quite what to say to you. Dont cut off contact though.
When I had a mc most people simply did not know what to say & so got quite Tongue tied.
I'm sure you will hear from her,maybe email about something generic?


iscream · 15/05/2011 10:31

I am so sorry for your loss.
Not sure why your sil did not contact you, perhaps she is giving you time to grieve? Perhaps she sent the video before she knew about the miscarriage? Or maybe it is technology and your sil is having trouble with her internet provider, or has a computer virus?


scarletfingernail · 15/05/2011 13:31

Sorry to hear about your MC.

I've had 2 in the last 6 months and have found that some people would rather say nothing than say the "wrong" thing. It hurts that neither my own Dad or FIL have even acknowledged to myself or DH what we have been through, despite us having an otherwise close relationship and seeing each other on a regular basis. However, I know that they would both feel really uncomfortable bringing it up so I accept that it's easier for them to say nothing.

Does she definitely know about your MC? If she does then I think she's been highly insensitive e-mailing you about her own DCs straight after without even mentioning it. Do you have a close relationship between the 2 of you? If not she may have just felt that she wasn't in a position to mention it unless you did first. Try and give her the benefit of the doubt, no one really knows what to say and everyone responds differently to sad news.


cerealqueen · 15/05/2011 13:52

So sorry to hear of your loss. It may be that she does not know what to say. I've experienced a MC, people (eg my brother, two of my closest friends) have never since asked how I am. Rather than say the wrong thing, they choose to say nothing and assume you know that they are feeling for you. And they will be, it doesn't mean they aren't good people.
Take care.


lazarusb · 15/05/2011 14:56

I had mcs before dd. The first time most people were supportive, the second time, everyone except 2 of my friends completely ignored it Hmm Even my Mum phoned when I got home from the scan and asked if I was playing Pac-man?! I still have no idea what put that in her others have said, miscarriage is one of those things people just don't appear to know how to deal with.
I am sorry for your loss.


HerHissyness · 15/05/2011 18:52

My mum does this. It hurts like mad. Whenever things get tough. emotionally so, she bails. I've lost 3 through MC, the abusive X has now left but not once will she ask and mean mean 'How Are You?' she can't. She doesn't know what to say or do to make it better.

You have to face up to the fact that your SIL is not a friend you can count on, she is a SIL and that is that.

Stop waiting for her to step up and be a friend you can lean on. She can't do it. Its a reflection on her, not you.

I need to have a conversation with my mother somehow, which says I don't want you to fix it, I don't want you to advise me, I know you can't, but just tell me it'll be OK, that'll do for me.


hairfullofsnakes · 15/05/2011 19:17

I am so sorry for your loss x

Can your brother have a word with her or her dh? I would need to know why they haven't Ben in touch and if you do too, get your dh to enquire? X


TidyDancer · 15/05/2011 19:21

I'm really sorry to hear your sad news. :(

I do think, as others have said, some people just haven't a clue how to talk to someone going through something difficult like this. They take the route of saying nothing at all, which in their minds is better than saying the wrong thing entirely.


skybluepearl · 15/05/2011 20:14

sorry for you loss. it's hard going i know and right now you are in a very bad place. for me there were different responces to my M/C. in many sences it helps sort the what from the chaff. i felt very 'held' by my good friends but then one friend was actually critical and not very supportive. we don't really have much to do with eachother these days as a result.

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