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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just stop trying?

18 replies

harrogateharryandme · 14/05/2011 19:45

I have a DS who is almost a year, and my DH asked me to call the wife of one of his best friends who has a DD a few months younger.

They have only recently moved into the area (literally 6 houses down) which DH is thrilled about. Being on maternity leave, so not working and knowing no one I invited her out with a few baby friends of mine for coffee.

She is really lovely and for a week she came by my house / we went out every day. She sent me flowers with a lovely card saying how lonely she had been and how nice it was to meet me and some other mums.

Her DD was born at 30 weeks and spent quite a lot of time in special care, so understandably she's quite worried about her and everything she eats, how much she sleeps etc.

For the past month everytime she is supposed to meet us (often instigated by her) she cancels. Usually after I've got DS and myself ready and am heading out the door. It's always because 'Izzy didn't sleep for a full 2 hours at lunch' or 'Izzy only took 4 oz instead of 6' so she stays in incase her DD gets ratty.

It's started to become more and more frequent, and yesterday she asked me to go to the shops with her. I usually take DS swimming which is prepaid but I said I would. I got to the shops and waited in the cafe for her and half an hour late she cancelled.

This morning she sent me a message being really apologetic and asked us to go to the farm, I accepted her apology, got halfway there (driving from my parents house) and she cancelled!!

I'm so annoyed and think I'm just not going to bother or AIBU because she doesn't know anyone and is so worried about her DD?

Sorry for the length!

OP posts:

Hardhatonamission · 14/05/2011 19:50

YABU it sounds like she needs some company but is getting to the point of being scared, almost, to leave the house. How about you pop round hers?

thisisyesterday · 14/05/2011 19:52

how strange, i wonder if something else is going on?

i mean, if she just decided she didn't like oyu then she would stop accepting invites altogether you would think....

i wonder if she is a bit depressed or something? when i was depressed i would often get excited at the thought of meeting up with people, but when the time came it would seem like such a huge thing that i couldn't go through with it?

maybe your dh could ask her dh? or you could just "pop round" one day when passing and ask her? (not ask if she has depression, i mean just say hey, you keep cancelling... is everything ok?)

Mamaz0n · 14/05/2011 19:52

why not arrange to meet at her place. have a coffee and talk to her about how hard it is with a newborn. offer some advice and help ease her mind over some of these "issues"

giantpurplepeopleeater · 14/05/2011 19:58

Could she be struggling or be slipping into depression?

I say this because I am only now starting to feel more 'normal' after a bout of anxiety post birth. One of the biggest problems for me has been leaving the house - I would get very anxious about how I would cope, whether DS would be ok/ get grouchy, whether I would remember to take everything, whether people would stare if he cried or I needed to feed him etc etc etc

I know it is terribly annoying to have so many cancellations, but maybe there is something behind it, particularly as she keeps trying to arrange something else.

So I would say YANBU to stop trying if you think she is really messing you around... but maybe try finding out if there is anything else going on first?

Original poster

harrogateharryandme · 14/05/2011 19:58

When she cancelled for coffee in town in the week I asked her if she wanted to to pop round and bring some cakes and bits... She always says her house is a state and comes to mine (before the cancelling)

Mine is a bit of a state too though tbh :)

OP posts:

Hardhatonamission · 14/05/2011 19:59

Sounds like she could be getting depressed. Get your husbands to have the kids at yours and turn up at theirs with a bottle of wine one evening.

NewShooz · 14/05/2011 20:17

When my DD was small I used to get a bit paranoid if she started grizzling whilst we were out, and sometimes it did put me off accepting some invitations if the times clashed with her nap times.

Has she had some bad experiences of being out and then her DD has kicked off? I'm not overly confident myself, and it took a while for me to relax about it all, and realise that all kids do whinge/cry sometimes!! (NOT just mine!)

Just a thought that maybe she feels like this and is much more comfortable just popping round to yours?

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 14/05/2011 20:23

As a veteran PNDer I agree with those suggesting depression.

inkyfingers · 14/05/2011 20:35

Go and see her and for the moment don't agree to any trips that are inconvenient to you as she may well cancel again, for the reasons other posters have given. You're being a great friend to her - have a double

pozzled · 14/05/2011 20:39

I agree with the suggestion of PND, or another mental health issue that is making it very difficult for her to leave the house. I would be quite concerned actually. Can you ask your DH to have a chat with DH and ask how things are going? Or could you see if you can pop round for a chat, maybe one evening when the DCs are in bed?

EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 14/05/2011 20:42

My BF was like this with me when her DS was tiny, and I was the same with friends when my DD was tiny - we both suffered with PND.

EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 14/05/2011 20:42

Go and see her at her house so you can work around Izzy

EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 14/05/2011 20:43

Sorry I have sounded really blunt - I was (and still am) sooo grateful to my friends who still check on me if they haven't heard from me etc - it really helps and you sound like a lovely friend.

OopsDoneItAgain · 14/05/2011 20:45

Agree she sounds very anxious. Pain for you, but not personal. But prem babies do that to you, so I would say hang on in there if you feel you can and if you want to; but without putting your own life on hold. she probably feels crap for cancelling all the time. But as a veteran canceller, it wont stop her cancelling again, and its not that she doesnt want company.

MumblingRagDoll · 14/05/2011 20:47

Sounds like my friend....irritatating but some Mums can't help it. Stick with her. She sounds like she's having a hard time.

sungirltan · 14/05/2011 20:50

go and knock on the door when you think she might be home and see if she will invite you in for a cup of tea and ask her whats going on. failing that give her a ring and ask her -easy to hide behind texting (her) when something is amiss

MercurySoccer · 14/05/2011 20:52

Agree that it could be depression. We all have our imperfections and it sounds like she's a nice person who is struggling somewhat.

HandMini · 14/05/2011 20:52

Yup, absolutely agree, get round there. It may feel slightly intrusive, but much better just to check she's OK...all the cancelling does sound as though it might be symptomatic of depression (or at least a bit of a loss of confidence). She's lucky that you're so concerned.

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