aibu in planning to say something to my colleague about his arrogance?

[godspeed]

I work with someone who I haven't seen a lot of for the last couple of years since I've been moved to another division, but we used get on fine. However, when I do have to deal with him at work he talks over me and in general imposes his opinion in a way I find rude and annoying. Yesterday we were interviewing someone together and if I asked a question he would rephrase it to the candidate - e.g. 'what is actually at the heart of what godspeed is asking is......', getting it wrong most of the time! Before the interview which I'd been asked to attend by someone more senior than either of us he asked me why I was there, and said that there was 'no need' for me to be there ina really grumpy way, even after I explained I'd been asked to be on the panel.
Anyway, I know it all sounds boring but I just feel undermined in every encounter with him and really feel like I want to ask him to show a little more professional respect in the way he deals with me. Should I? And what should I say? We are at the same 'level', salary etc

If you used to get on fine a couple of years ago, what has happened to change this do you suppose? With him, I mean? Because from what you say he thinks he outranks you now (even though he's at the same level).

If you say something he'll probably take it as a compliment.

Rise above, rise above.

Be honest and open, speak to him in private. Use the "I don't know if you're aware but..." and it's making me feel really uncomfortable at times & I'd prefer it if we could work together as adults who respect each others position and opinion. See how it goes from there. If he gets angry or rude just say what you see..."you seem really angry, is there a reason?" or "you're coming across as rude, did you realise?". Stay calm, don't get upset, it may not get you anywhere but it might just make things slightly better you never know.

Slightly... he might think that for any number of factors but I also think in general if someone acts like a pushy arse (sorry, nasty image!) no matter what their 'rank' it makes for an unpleasant atmosphere. Am I being totally naive in thinking that it is important to show mutual respect in a professional setting whereby every voice is heard?

cantpooinpeace - that sounds good. I don't mind him as a person, he's fine but over the last couple of years I've seen him be like this with a few other people (always women). The place we work has generally poor staff relations as in there have been many instances (proven) of bullying, so I suppose I am a bit dismayed to see someone who started out as a reasonable enough person develop into a bit of an arse who considers his own opinion to be far more important than that of (some of) his colleagues.

I think you should have a word with him. It does sound like he's a sexist git who think his voice is more important than yours. It is unprofessional of him to talk over you, interrupt you and talk for you.

I think you should also be more assertive and interrupt back: "thank you Mr X, I can speak for myself" or some such.

Hmmm. So it sounds like he has absorbed the atmosphere of the company over the last couple of years (you mention poor staff relations and bullying being prevalent).

I'd call him on it, as zikes and cantpoo say.

What are your ages? Could he be trying to be seen as worthy of a promotion? I.e. imposing his opinion and being forceful might be something he hopes will be recognised as him being worth a step-up. People like this, IMO, will stop treating you disrespectfully if they regain their respect for you. Have you been on mat leave or something since moving to the other department? Could he be seeing you as less of a team player (perhaps for having children, for reducing your hours or whatever else makes men disrespect women in the workplace ). In that case having a word with him asking him to respect you wont do you any good (you asking will be a sign of weakness) so putting him in his place might be a better option. I am here speaking of you being assertive, not rude or hysterical. Like for instance if he asks why you are on an interview panel you can just say "I don't think its your place to decide who is on this panel, is it?", and if he puts you down in public such as he did when rephrasing your questions say "no, that was not what I meant". Ask your question to the interviewee again and move on. I'm guessing that a few of those and he'll stop treating you as a pushover as you've shown him you are not.

His behaviour smacks of middle-aged panicking to be honest. As in he realises he's getting on a bit (might still be in his thirties of course but you get the idea) and feels he must get a leg up quickly to prevent becoming a looser. He doesn't sound nice at all!

snuppeline - I am slightly older than him ( by about 3 years). We both started on the same day and while on the same salary have slightly different roles. Yes, I was on maternity leave and since coming back from that have been on secondment elsewhere. There is no real promotion at stake as such but I think he is envisaging a bit of a power struggle over certain issues - in other words, I can see why he is acting the way he is but just want him to stop. I didn't rephrase my question as I thought its not great to expose a candidate to internal wrangling. I don't necessarily want to get 'my way' even when I think I should (!) but rather establish a ground rule of mutual respect so as to have a better atmosphere for everyone.

Undermining you in an interview is v odd - and will probably put candidates off working for you. Do you think he realises that?

I think you definitely need to pull him up on it. Maybe schedule a coffee away from work, or at least in private and bring the issue up. You'll need to be dispassionate, and outline the specific examples you have here, and ask him if he realises he's doing it. He needs a chance to recognise and change his behaviour.

After that though, I'd address every/any more examples on the sopt. He'll soon get the message. He probably won't be v happy, but it does need to be addressed.

Mmm.. A power struggle, you say? I hated power struggles. Look out for him undermining you to your colleagues and your bosses by a slow drip drip of poison behind your back. If you can play that game (I never could, nor wanted to), get in there first.

At the very least, try and get senior staff members on side about the issues that you can see becoming a problem. Although that doesn't always work, as they can flip faster than a flag when the wind changes, and they can see their bread is buttered on the other side.

Personally, I think that approaching your colleague will just play into his hands, and let him know he is gaining the upper hand - which is what he wanted.

I'm sorry for you. This sort of shit can poison your work life, when all you wnt is to go in, do the best job you can, and go home again.

butterbur - a power struggle that doesn't have to be - as in we can just co-operate a bit rather than compete. I don't have to look out for him undermining me as I'm sure he's already done that, as everyone in there does! I won't try to get anyone onside because it just takes effort, can backfire and this way of behaving is part of the culture in there. And true - I do just want to do the job. For me, as I am trying to plan an exit strategy (!) all I want is to assert that there should be basic mutual respect in day to day dealings with each other - its in the 'bullying and respect in the workplace' manual we've all been issues with!

I would definitely raise the fact that he spoke over you in the interview and incorrectly paraphrased your questions. I think it is much better to raise something very specific rather than a general sense that he is arrogant. Be alert to him trying to undermine you and assert yourself straightaway if he does.

I'd wait until you are next going to be in a meeting together, buttonhole him just before you go in and briefly tell him that before you get started you don't want to be talked over, paraphrased etc. and are finding it annoying. Then you walk through the door as you finish speaking, start the meeting, and he can't argue. If you tackle it informally and you get him on his back foot, it'll happen.

First off I'm assuming, although you don't actually say this anywhere, that this guy isn't more senior than you. If that's the case I think you should just front it out with him at some point and make it clear that you don't want him to talk over you etc. Alternatively, if you don't feel comfortable with as a direct an approach as that, you could flip it back at him and start paraphrasing his questions "I think what patronising tosser is trying to say is this" and so forth and if he reacts (which he probably will), point out sweetly that what's good for the goose etc. If he is actually more senior than you you may just have to suck it up, count to ten etc.

I agree with Snuppeline and Butterbur - he's just playing a game and confronting him will only show him that he's "winning". You've said he does this with other people and so it's quite likely that even people he's not doing it to will start to notice, if they haven't already.

The way to address it is, as Snuppeline suggests, is by being assertive and stop him when he tries to talk over you or undermine you. You were asked to be at the interview so your boss obviously disagrees with this man that your presence wasn't necessary. Keep that in your mind and don't let him create doubts in your mind. It's tough to do (I know, I've had a few colleagues like this myself) and you have to quash that little voice inside that says "well maybe he's right, maybe he does know more than you" but it's amazing how quickly it works and I can't tell you how chuffed I felt when I did it. Plus I noticed my boss and my other colleagues respected me more for it too.

It would be great if we could all work in offices where people respect each other and do their jobs honestly and with integrity, but unfortunately the world is not like that.

I suspect he is doing it deliberately in order to be dominant, which in his mind, means he will become more important and therefore more likely to be favoured for importance. I also suspect that if you try the same with him, unless you are very skilled, you will get the "you always cause arguements when I try to include you" kind of thing.

You will have to be very clever about how you go about dealing with this. You could either simply reassert yourself with a short but meaningful sentence every time he does it and refuse to be drawn into any arguement and if he tries it, talk over him continuing what you are doing. Or you could be terribly nice and make him think you are non his side while doing the same thing, with a smile on your face, so that again you take the iniative away from him in controlling the situation.

If its quite a sexist workplace, I doubt directly confronting him will do much good. If its not a sexist workplace, then thats what I would do.