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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DD to do what she's asked (told) to do, as soon as she's told to do it?

50 replies

ILoveYouToo · 12/05/2011 22:55

DD is 8. At the moment she's driving me up the bloody wall. For example, earlier I told her to go upstairs, get washed and into pajamas, then come back down. I impressed upon her that I wanted this done straight away and quickly. Ten minutes later I went to see why she hadn't come back down, and found her in the garden playing with the dog, not having been upstairs yet. Variations on this theme happen dozens of times a day.

My question is, aibu to expect that an 8 year old should do as she's told without arguing/throwing a massive strop, and without having to be told over and over again or constantly checked up up to make sure she hasn't become instantly distracted? Am I expecting too much of her?

I've read the similar thread about the 5 year old boy with interest, but I don't know how much of that is applicable to an 8 year old - I expect her to do what she's told (simple requests) without constant supervision and encouragement. Aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

ILoveYouToo · 13/05/2011 09:23

Ok thanks everyone for your replies.

I've taken on board those of you who think I should be a bit easier on her, and I'm comforted by those of you who think I'm not a complete monster.

Just to emphasise this - I don't usually just demand that she stops doing something without warning. In fact with bedtimes, computer time, friends round etc, I usually give a countdown of warnings "ten minutes left.....five mins.....two mins..... ok come off the computer now" etc. Last night we'd just come in, she'd greeted the dog, and then mentioned that she needed to read to me (for school). She knew that it's bedtime when we come in from the club, so she was already pushing it a bit, but I said yes, if she went straight upstairs and got ready for bed..then ten mins later, I find her in the garden. Mornings, bedtimes, when we're trying to get out of the house on time; I expect her to do as she's told first time.

She's really been taking the piss at bedtimes lately - reading for hours longer than she's supposed to when she's been told to go to sleep, so I guess my fuse if just a bit burned down at the moment for her not following rules/requests.

OP posts:

beesimo · 13/05/2011 09:36

Enter the bedroom waving a pair of scissors and with a dramatic flourish cut the plug of the bedside lamp Beesimo did after a back answering incident with DD3 last Sunday night.

Unplug it first!!

Hullygully · 13/05/2011 09:38

It depends.

Is she in the army?
Or prison?
Would you?
Do you?

BertieBotts · 13/05/2011 09:50

I think it's a bit unreasonable as well TBH. I used to hate the whole "ten minutes" "five minutes" "two minutes" thing. can she tell the time? Get her to tell you how long she will be in finishing up what she's doing. (I'm not saying you have to just meekly sit there and say "okay" if she says she'll be half an hour and you need to go in fifteen minutes)

With reading, I used to do that and still do - get carried away with the story and not be able to put the book down! One thing which worked was thinking "Okay, I'll read three chapters" and then putting the bookmark 3 chapters in while I was reading, so when I got to the bookmark I noticed. The only other thing which stopped me reading late was sharing a room with my sister and when one of us wanted to sleep we'd ask the other to turn their light off.

HampstersDontSwim · 13/05/2011 10:04

When I tell my Ds(9) to do somthing ......He knows he has to do it

My DS dose not feel like hes in prison ffs. He just knows that I'm in charg and call the shots.

That dosnt mean that he obeys, meakly and without question (we do get pleanty of arm swinging here too! )
It is totaly reasonable to demand your young Dc do as they are told. His feeling and opinions do count, but untill he is an adult, I get the casting vote.

Original poster

ILoveYouToo · 14/05/2011 10:44

Beesimo it was fairly dramatic when I removed her stereo, lamp and the lightbulb from the main light when I found her still reading at 9.30pm...

Hullygully
No
No
Depends who's asking
Not usually - because I'm an adult.

BertieBotts That's the thing - as a child I remember lying the wrong way in bed so that I could read in the light from the landing, and scrambling round the right way when I heard the door open downstairs and I am still incapable of stopping reading promptly at night. So I do understand where she's at, but on the other hand I feel it's my job to stop her reading until god knows what time and being knackered the next day.

"Get her to tell you how long she will be in finishing up what she's doing.".... in the case of the computer, she would never voluntarily come off it - she'd be on there all day if she weren't given a time limit. I give her a countdown because she seems to accept the inevitable with less stropping if she's given lots of warning.

Hampsters "His feeling and opinions do count, but untill he is an adult, I get the casting vote."..... that's exactly how I feel, thanks.

OP posts:

fishtankneedscleaning · 14/05/2011 12:13

She is 8. Of course YABU. I don't know any 8 year old who does what they are told the first time of asking.

FabbyChic · 14/05/2011 12:26

Have you considered you might be asking her to go to sleep too early?

Maybe that is why she reads until she is tired.

Didyouever · 14/05/2011 12:32

Well hopefully she's going to become an independent woman.

I think sometimes we don't want children to say no, and then they can turn into adults who can't say no.

Is it that important?

viewfromawindow · 14/05/2011 12:41

fishtankneedscleaning: yes I do one. Mine...
Must just be lucky but she is very helpful and does as she is asked. I think the "asked" bit is the most important. There is only her and me and we make our own small unit where we help each other. She can ask me for things as well but she knows until she is an adult I have the final say...it's my job!
Oh and she isn't a doormat either! Recently stood up (verbally) to class thug in defence of other girl.... couldn't have been prouder! I have wondered if there is going to come a moment where the teenage hormones kick in and she becomes a nightmare.

fishtankneedscleaning · 14/05/2011 12:44

viewfromawindow. Yes you have a point. Whenever I ask my DC's to eat up their strawberries and ice cream I do not have to ask twice

cory · 14/05/2011 12:53

I think there is quite a tricky transition time that starts about this age between the small child who is totally in the hands of adults (and can be lifted into the cot/buggy without any argument) and the young near-adult who needs to be treated almost (not quite) like you would treat any other adult in your life. Obviously, at age 8 your dd is nearer to the first stage than to the second, but she is moving towards the second and you need to find ways of negotiating it that allow her to retain her dignity while still recognising that she is a child and you are the adult in charge.

I find humour helps enormously. And allowing as much input from her as is compatible with her age and maturity. Also, not over-interpreting everything she does: sometimes they are just obnoxious without it saying anything about the wider mother-child relationship/what have I taught her/ what is the world coming to.

fwiw my 10yo has a head full of fluff and needs constant reminding. Only another 8 years or so to go though...

TheFlyingOnion · 14/05/2011 12:55

as a yr 2 teacher I expect the 6 and 7 yr olds in my class to do what they are told, the first time, within minimum fuss. If your dd is used to doing this in school I don't see why she can't at home too?

I also find that counting down helps - "5 mins to end of golden time, 1 min, right thats it tidy up" type of thing. I find boys are much worse at doing this than girls, generally, and do need constant reminders, which drives me nuts tbh.

transferbalance · 14/05/2011 12:58

I knew this thread would be about an 8 year old, mine's the same

TheFlyingOnion · 14/05/2011 12:58

can you give her an incentive to follow instructions first time?

Something like a bead in a jar for every time she does as she's asked, one out for each time she has to be reminded - treat on a Saturday if she has a certain amount? We do a modified version of this at school.

MoreBeta · 14/05/2011 12:59

YANBU to expect it but been there, done that and lost the battle every night for the last 4 years with DS1 who still does it age 11.

Try and keep perspective. Sometimes you just have to hold back and be calm. Children that age have a lot of stuff in their heads that seems so much more important than getting to bed on time. Summer is worse with light nights. To your DD the time in the garden was just a few seconds saying goodnight to the dog or whatever it was in her head at that moment. To you it was 10 minutes wasted.

MoreBeta · 14/05/2011 13:00

Trying to keep a really constant routine every night in the hour running up to bed time is one way perhaps to deal with this. Children actually like routine.

NeverSayPie · 14/05/2011 13:14

I don't get the "would you do it" gubbins at all. No, I don't do what I'm told, I'm an adult, they are children. They do what I tell them to. We have a mantra (they've been repeating it after me since they learned to speak) which involves, jump, how high, and now.
This is not a commune, its a benign dictatorship.

nzshar · 14/05/2011 13:25

my ds is almost 7 and he does this. Though I do use the countdown method TheFlyingOnion mentioned which seems to help and having routine at times like bedtime and in the mornings before school is also a winner I think.

cory · 14/05/2011 13:27

we too have a mantra, but bh I think doing it as a mantra reinforces the feeling that you are actually prepared to view the situation with a bit of humour and might actually be approachable if really needed

kerrymumbles · 14/05/2011 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeverSayPie · 14/05/2011 13:30

I'm approachable, thats where the benign bit comes in. If my seven year old asked "please may I do X before I do what you asked", I'll consider it and might well say yes. If he just did what he wanted instead of what I said...big trouble with immediate sanctions. Thats the dictator bit.

SilveryMoon · 14/05/2011 13:34

I don't think you're BU. Not at all.

TheFlyingOnion · 14/05/2011 14:01

NeverSayPie - you just reminded me that my dad used to say the "benign dictatorship" thing;
me: "its a free country"
him: "it may be but this house is a dictatorship".

Also, "my house my rules"

Original poster

ILoveYouToo · 14/05/2011 19:16

Fabbychic I know if she's not had enough sleep as she won't wake up in the morning. The other night I went to bed at 22.45 and found her still reading - this is not ok!

Didyouever she has been one of the most independently minded people I've ever met since she was a toddler - her nursery teacher once said to me "if you have a class of 30 children and 29 are doing a certain thing, you can virtually guarantee that the 30th will do the same....not DD - she will still go ahead and do something completely different". I love that about her, and hope it means that she will not be easily led as a teen, but it doesn't make for easy day-to-day living.

Viewfrom I am !

MoreBeta your post really gave me pause for thought - "To your DD the time in the garden was just a few seconds saying goodnight to the dog or whatever it was in her head at that moment. To you it was 10 minutes wasted." I think you are so right - she doesn't have the same perception of time at all. Sounds so simple, but you just gave me a real eureka moment!

TheFlyingOnion thanks that's good advice. At school they have a marble jar, and I've just introduced that at home (along with docking increments of pocket money for not doing as she's asked) to reward the wonderful things (there are many) about her.

Neversaypie your post made me a lot. That's exactly how I feel!

Thanks to everyone again - some really helpful posts that have helped me think clearly about it.

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