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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dd age 12 to eat a school meal at lunchtime?

27 replies

trinni · 12/05/2011 19:57

I work at school and eat a cooked meal as a perk of the job. Ds also enjoys his hot school meal - no complaints from him. Dd however, refuses to have a meal at lunchtime, preferring to eat a sandwich or a pasta pot, which she buys but is allowed to eat outside apparently.

Her motive for not eating at school is she would rather spend time outside with her friend (who eats very little) and is a HUGE influence on dd.

A packed lunch defeats the object really and is labour intensive. She has even offered to cook for herself in the evening but I predict chaos if that were to happen.

So, I feel I must cook a hot meal in the evening to feed dd who hasn't had much. Otherwise, we could have a light meal and it would certainly make life easier for me.

I have suggested she complies for 3 days out of 5 - but no! She says I can't make her. I have taken away her laptop for the time being and she is sulking in the bath!

AIBU? WWYD Please?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 20:00

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Food doesnt have to be hot to be nutritious. A "light" meal of beans or cheese on toast is fine.

Let her make a tuna pasta salad bowl to take with her, if she can cook in the evening, she can prepare her ow lunch to take with her too. :)

JaneFonda · 12/05/2011 20:00

Why do you predict chaos if she were to cook her own tea?

TrillianAstra · 12/05/2011 20:03

She can cook her own tea and make some for you while she's at it.

pickyourbrain · 12/05/2011 20:05

I think 12 is a good age to take on some of the cooking responsibility and if my mum told me at 12 that even thought I wanted to cook dinner, it would only mean chaos... I would have revolted and gone on hungar strike.

My advice would be: pick your batttles... There are bigger, badder problems ahead

inchoccyheaven · 12/05/2011 20:12

I think YABU as lots of people don't like to eat a proper meal in the middle of the day for various reasons. If she wants to spend time with her friend I don't see anything wrong with that and not sure if you were hinting that your daughter might start copying her friend who doesn't eat a lot, but the fact she wants to make her own tea is evidence she is sensible in that respect.
I would cook for her or help her to learn how to make things like spag bol, jacket potatoes etc so she can do it for herself in future.

Original poster

trinni · 12/05/2011 20:12

squeaky, very good point. I'm conditioned to think that hot meal = sensible, nutritious meal. She is somewhat fussy and if I thought she'd eat something worthwhile that she could take to school, I might be inclined to agree with her.

She might be keen to be a bit more adventurous if it were to her advantage though! Also, she eats very little as it is.

JF - I predict chaos because she's spent very little time in the kitchen and that is my fault for not encouraging her more. I know I would be called upon to assist and most likely to clear up afterwards. I might just as well get on and cook myself. Ds on the other hand can whip up something to eat and he's 2 years younger.

I just would like us to have a couple of evenings where we have time to spend on things other than cooking.

OP posts:

iEmbarassedMyself · 12/05/2011 20:17

YABU
She wants to eat outside with her friends, it's lovely weather and she's still eating.
We have a night each week where the DC make a family meal - it can be beans on toast or whatever, but they both contribute and wash up too. If she can't do it now, it's a good time to learn.

pickyourbrain · 12/05/2011 20:17

I think its time to give her a little more control over what she eats and how it is prepared. 12 is an age for gaining independance and feeling like you can conrol as many aspects of your life as possible because there is so much you cant control.

Don't make food a battle.

VictorianIce · 12/05/2011 20:19

"I might just as well get on and cook myself."

To start with, obviously that would be simpler, but then she'd never learn how to give it a go herself. If you're asked to help, then give clear instructions, from a distance if need be, but don't take over, and make sure she knows that you expect her to clear up properly afterwards. If she gets something wrong and makes herself a horrible dinner, it's not a huge problem.

cat64 · 12/05/2011 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadamDeathstare · 12/05/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

trinni · 12/05/2011 20:28

"If she gets something wrong and makes herself a horrible dinner, it's not a huge problem."

No it isn't is it! I'm laughing now at the thought of what might be served up. Of course I will give her guidance and try not to take over.

I think the clear message is IABU and I don't want to be. I don't want to upset her and if I'm honest I do have a bit of a problem with aforementioned friend who is painfully thin and eats virtually nothing. I'd like dd to have a healthy and robust role model.

OP posts:

maddy68 · 12/05/2011 20:28

Yabu. I hate school meals (I am a teacher) I would rather have a home cooked meal at night.

MadamDeathstare · 12/05/2011 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickyourbrain · 12/05/2011 20:36

Bless you trinni, I've had to graciously admit defeat on an AIBU before now! I wouldnt be happy with that friend either.

IME though, you can't 'catch' anorexia. If your dd is happy and confident and has a healthy attitude to food (which you can encourage by allowing her some conrol over what she eats and how it is prepared and by not making meal times a battle ground) she may dip her toe in restricting her diet to fit in with her friend but she'll stop when she realises shes hungry

squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 20:39

Your daughter may be able to help her friend. If she takes something with her, like a greek salad, or a tuna and egg salad, she can always share a bit with the friend. It will be good for the friend to see your daughter eating a healthy lunch.

MaureenMLove · 12/05/2011 20:48

Agree with everyone else on here. Give her a bit of space and trust on this one. Lord knows, it's tough enough to find anything to agree on, with teenagers at times. This really isn't something to worry about. Afterall, if you push it too far, you could very well drive her into not eating anything (possibly like her painfully thin friend) Give her the option and she might even turn into such a fantastic cook, even you don't need to bother eating at school!

Bloody good example of what AIBU should be too! Top OP for willing to accept advise that you just might be BU!

Original poster

trinni · 12/05/2011 20:54

Yes, hands up. I know how to accept defeat.

I showed this thread to dd and she is very happy. Says she likes
the mumsnetters!

Thank you all for your views - it's been a very worthwhile chat x

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 21:00

Here's the scenario I'm imagining...dd1 cooks a meal for you all while you loiter around with a glass of wine, chatting and ready to step in and help if she needs a hand :o

MaureenMLove · 12/05/2011 21:03

We're not always so nice to the lo's! Has she tidied her bedroom & done her homework? Hmmm!!

Original poster

trinni · 12/05/2011 21:04

I like your thinking Curry! Possibly I could shout my instructions from my garden lounger!

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 21:05

I see a loud hailer on your birthday list then you be at the pub

pickyourbrain · 12/05/2011 21:06

Make the glass a bottle and you have my kitchen scenario with my eldest

FabbyChic · 12/05/2011 21:07

Maybe she is not hungry at lunchtimes, you are unreasonable.

You cannot force a child to eat who is not hungry at lunchtimes, my children never ate school meals preferring to snack and having a big meal at home for dinner.

Even now my eldest of 17 goes all day without eating preferring to eat at home.

Taking her laptop away because she is not hungry when you are is mean and somewhat selfish. She is your daughter and it is your duty to provide a hot meal rather than be lazy.

Besides that even if my children had eaten at lunchtimes I'd have still cooked a meal at dinner time at home. School lunches are not a main meal more a filler.

Original poster

trinni · 12/05/2011 21:10

You're funny, all of you!

I'm preparing myself for some rather "different" evening meals

OP posts:

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