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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

IS 9 TOO YOUNG??

59 replies

vicki2010 · 12/05/2011 19:10

Thought i would post here as it gets so much more traffic!

I have a 9 yr old ds (10 in oct) and feel the time has come to give him some freedom,he cant play out in the street as we live on a very busy main road but there is a lovely park/ponds opposite the house (i would have to escort there due to v awkward crossing) but the problem i have is that i wouldn't be able to see him and he doesn't have a mobile (another thread altogether!!) so what i want to know is, would you let your 9 yr old go out alone knowing you couldn't see them easily and they couldn't contact you easily,i mean i know i have to start sometime but just don't know when is the right time.

If i leave it too late he'll prob end up very un streetwise,if i let him too early..is he too vulnerable?

He's the sort of kid who will confidently go into a supermarket with a list and come out with everything on the list so has common sense iyswim.

Should i give him a mobile for park use????

So would ibu to let him out?

OP posts:

CheerfulYank · 12/05/2011 23:56

That's a bit harsh corsa ...my DS is not quite four yet, but already I know I will not make my decisions based on what will make him popular. I work in a cinema and kids of eight are going to PG-13 movies. I will not allow that when DS is 8, and if that makes him the "class dork", so be it.

If you think he can be trusted, OP, I would let him go. I know an 8 and 9 year old who walk to the park and play together here and they do fine. :)

bleedingstill · 13/05/2011 00:17

yes. I do exactly this with my nine (almost ten) year old and have done since around his 9th birthday

TheShriekingHarpy · 13/05/2011 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corsa100 · 13/05/2011 00:38

CheerfulYank that is your perogative. You are the adult. You choose what your DC does. My point is that the OP knows what area her DC's are being brought up in. Nobody other than OP can decide whether her child should be allowed out to play.

In my area it is common for 8 year olds to play out. In other areas it may be considered too risky. Surely it is up to the parents to decide whether it is appropriate for all the other children in the neighbourhood to play out and for their same age child to be kept indoors?

Repercussions of parental decisions rests with the parents.

BitOfFun · 13/05/2011 00:41

I would just let him out.

Again10 · 13/05/2011 00:58

Why would you not let him?

lljkk · 13/05/2011 05:38

lljkk: 10yo DS got duffed up in the skate park...
seeker: Horrible for you. But he dealt with it, Well done him!

I don't know that he did deal with it. He refuses to ever go back to the skate park (10 months now). The PCSOs talked a lot with him about how to tell when somebody is just itching for a fight and to just withdraw & ignore, so he gained some street smarts, but that's about the total benefit of it. PCSO wanted DS to do a restorative justice scheme so at least the air was cleared between him & the main assailant, but he didn't feel up for it and I didn't feel I could make him. Otherwise, no way I was going to give a 13yo a criminal record for a stupid scuffle in the park by pursuing assault charges, so there was no redress.

Lots of Free range children around here age 8-9yo+ (7yo in a little park yesterday just out with mates & no adults). I think that's fine... but you have to accept things will go wrong. They will have accidents and altercations and get up to petty mischief which might be construed by some as vandalism (most of them leave litter like Hansel & Gretal, for a start). I'm old-fashioned enough to think that's all part of being a kid, but you have to be ready for the fact that when they go FR a whole load of new problems present themselves.... and are you (the adult) ready for it?

lljkk · 13/05/2011 05:58

Day before Yesterday in the park with my 3 kids (age 3,6,9) three other FR kids turned up (age 7, 9 & 10yo): they all played hide and seek.

the FR 10yo tossed his crisp packet into nearest hedge; I didn't say anything but I did loudly tell my kids not to litter and noticed the FR 9yo neatly folding his crisp packet away later.
Three of the group ran out in the road (extremely quiet otherwise) without looking (causing a moving car to brake sharply twice), and
They all hid in the huge gaps of a hedge across the road -- then the elderly house owner drove up and tore a strip off them for being in his garden. Scathing glare as I herded my lot away.

I was bemused because I bet the old man got up to WAY worse when he were a nipper... but if I came onto AIBU and said "Is it ok to let my kids hide in an overgrown neglected hedge at the front edge of private property" most of you would tear a strip off me, too.

Sorry, am not out to scare-monger: it's just reality. Kids will do daft things when on their own. It's part of growing up, but not a situation to be rushed into lightly, either.

valiumredhead · 13/05/2011 08:40

Ds is 9. He walks to school and has done since Sept, all the kids do round here.

He cycles up to the shop or to his mate's house.

He goes out to post letters for me.

He has just started going to the park with a mate.

He has a mobile and he HAS to keep it on.

I think YABU just to allow him to go to the park, you need to start with small outings like posting a letter, going to get some milk etc etc and work up to going to the park by himself once the ground rules are established.

LordOfTheFlies · 13/05/2011 10:52

My DS does Karate and has done self defence not to turn him into Bruce Lee/Steven Segal/ insert your favourite martial arts expert. Its to teach him self awareness and give him confidence that he can take care of himself.I really don't want to think about kids with knives etc but I know they are a fact of life. I wouldn't expect DS to fight though, just give him the edge.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/05/2011 11:01

My DS is 8, almost 9 and I wouldnt let him go the park, esp one with a pond!! But I am a bit OTT I think and I know plenty of his mates that do.......however, no not for now, i wil re-think when he is 10 or so (not that he has ever asked).

SuchProspects · 13/05/2011 16:17

Vicki2010 9 seems like a reasonable age to spend some of your time autonomously. I think lijkk is right about the fact that he will get up to things he wouldn't do if you were there, but then I think that's one of the main benefits of him spending time without an adult in charge of him. If you think he generally has common sense then he's in a good position to benefit from the responsibility and freedom.

I do think you need to teach him to cross the road though. Even if you get him a mobile (and I think the idea that they can cause more problems than they solve at that age has some merit) it isn't infallible and he'll need to be capable of getting back home without you.

Good luck.

EdithWeston · 13/05/2011 16:22

Is he going alone on the off-chance of company, is he likely to find his friends there, or is he going to arrange to meet people there? Might he be happier in a group, perhaps for a set time, with you coming to fetch him?

mediawhore · 13/05/2011 18:25

My daughter is 9. We have a 'family' mobile (which is soo ancient NO ONE would want to nick it) and she plays out front and goes to the prk at the end of our road on her own (well with her friends). SHe is in year 4 but is very sensible/mature.

I would let him. I know I was allowed out with friends on bike rides when I was 9, and remember spending SAturdays going 'round town' (a very safe town - smae one as we live in still) with my friend.

I think you got to let him have some freedom to learn and develop his independance.

fishtankneedscleaning · 14/05/2011 10:46

All the children in our street (between ages of 6 and 10) are allowed out to play - except one. That poor child sits in the window, watching the other children play. She looks very sad.

When one of mine was 3 I used to sit outside with him whilst he played and on one occasion I asked the other child's mum if he LO could come out to play with me keeping an eye on her.

I was met with a tirade of unreasonableness -

OMG! What if you took your eyes off her and she was snatched?
What if she ran into the road and was run over?
She might fall and hurt herself
I don't like her playing with other children. What if she learns swear words?
She could be bullied.

And on and on.....

That poor child is ostracised in school. Mainly because the children decide in school what they will be doing in the evening. Their after school activities spill over into the school yard. They come out of school with shouts of "I will call you later". And this LO looks so sad because she feels left out. She does not even have friends home for tea.

The child is 9 now and still sits in the window every evening watching the others at play. Her mother is not protecting her. She is allowing her dd to feel "different" and the child is suffering as a result.

We live in a quiet village, where everyone looks out for each other. I appreciate that not all children are free to go outside without parental supervision, because they live in a very different area.

I feel that on the whole parents are becoming more and more overprotective. There is no more risk of paedophiles snatching children now than there was 40 years ago.

But there are more cars on the road now and parents should make sure their children have road sense before letting them out.

burgerandchipswithredsauce · 14/05/2011 11:52

Would I let my nearly ten year old go out to play? Do bears shit in the woods?

cory · 14/05/2011 12:15

I would if there were other children in the area allowed out to play. I do think being the only child out playing in the park makes you more vulnerable. This was the only reason I did not let ds go to the park (a few blocks off) when he was younger: I felt he would be very conspicuous and a potential target for bullying.

AlmightyCitrus · 14/05/2011 13:00

My DS is 8.5. He's allowed to go to his friends, one round one corner, one round the other, or the nearest shop. (No roads to cross)
He has a watch with an alarm on, so if I want him home at 7.30 I set the alarm, and he comes home as soon as it goes off (been doing this for a couple of weeks and it's working quite well. Don't trust him with a mobile just yet). Most of the time they are outside in the back anyway, so we can still see him.

DD2 is nearly 10 and she's allowed to go to a friends which involves crossing a road. I usually send her older sister with her though as DD2 is quite...erm....dippy I suppose. Easily distracted. She has a mobile, but always forgets it or forgets to charge it.

DD1 is 11 and I've been letting her go to and from school or the library alone for the last year or so. She is VERY sensible though. If the younger two need to go anywhere and I can't walk them, she does.

I suppose it's all down to how sensible the child is. Start small and work your way up.

SavingSchool · 14/05/2011 13:52

I have twin 11 year old girls and live in a small village where everyone knows everyone as such my girls were allowed out together from the age of 7. I think it must be difficult with a single child wanting to go out on the off chance that he may meet someone in the park. I think that calling for other children or arranging to meet would be preferable. It would be wonderful if neighbours in cities and urban areas played the same role in peoples life as they do in rural areas (I could do without the gossip though) in providing a great safety net for the children in the community.

SavingSchool · 14/05/2011 13:54

Oh forgot to mention the girls started with a pair of good walkie-talkies!

youngjoly · 14/05/2011 15:01

My seven year old is allowed to play out, but she is only allowed out with friends. I would not let her go to the park alone. She has also got a £10 payg phone which has my number in and I put £10 credit on in Jan. It is still on £9! But she has a means of contacting me, if needed.

The thing I am conscious of is that at 11, she will need to get the bus to school in the next town from us. If she does an afterschool activity, that will mean a public bus and when she goes to the big town it will mean a 40 minute bus ride will be unavoidable. What will your child be having to do at 11? For me, getting my daughter ready for this, giving her road sense in a safe way was very important. But then, I do live in a rural community, so I guess it is much safer.

NeverendingStoryteller · 14/05/2011 16:44

My 7 yo and 5 yo play in our village playing fields by themselves (out of my sight) and get there and home without supervision - it's a 1 minute walk. We send them with walkie talkies and that way they can get in touch if there's an accident, and we can get in touch when we want them home. By 9, I expect mine will be terrorising the entire village riding around on his bike...

alwaysleftout · 14/05/2011 17:16

My children were playing out from the age of 7. Nine is a little old to be cooped up inside. My own kids were lucky. We live in an area which allows them to play out. I know there are areas where it is not safe for lone adults to go out, let alone vulnerable children. Maybe the OP lives in such an area?

Mum2Luke · 14/05/2011 17:50

I let my lad go around to his friend's around the corner as his Mum texts me to let me know he has arrived and I let her know he has arrived when he leaves her house.

I don't think it is any more dangerous than when I used to play out, more traffic yes but we need to teach our children that they can go out and play without being hurt. We didn't have mobiles when I was young and am certainly not playing for one for a 9 yr old, I just have not got the money to pay for credit.

bettiboo · 14/05/2011 17:56

My DS will not be going out on his own until he's 18!!!! No Way.

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