To think it is pretty common for men to be a bit 'meh' about DCs?

[RevoltingPeasant]

When I first got together with DP, neither of us was sure if we wanted DCs. DP had a brandnew niece and thought she was very cute, but also a lot of work.

Over the last couple of years, I have decided that I really do want DCs and have talked about this repeatedly with DP. He wavers between comic resignation and looking a bit disturbed; he never says 'Absolutely not', but he never shows real enthusiasm. However, he did recently move halfway across the country with me to follow my career and has said with a tremor in his voice 'So you want to start a family when you're 33 or so, right?'

When I put it down in black and white, it looks really bad at first, like this is a no-goer and he's really not interested....

But AIBU to think that in fact, a lot of men in their late 20s/ early 30s have cold feet about having children until they actually arrive? DP's bro was really not into the idea but is now a very hands-on dad with 2 DDs; my own BIL is very cautious but I can see he'll make a brilliant dad. DP has loads of qualities that would make him a great dad - he's sensitive, careful, playful, loyal, and has an absurd sense of humour.

So AIBU to think I can live in hope, and his feelings are quite normal? Or am I ridiculously over-optimistic? Tell it to me straight....

Thanks FollowMe, that is really reassuring. That is kind of what I'm hoping will happen

Deffo wouldn't force him, minx, agree with you there. If he weren't up for it we'd have to have a serious discussion about whether we were going to stay together or not :( but I wouldn't get pg on the sly or anything liek that.

Not my experience.

This was my experience - my DH was less enthusatic by far -and if we couldn't it wouldn't have been the end of the world -well v tough = that it would have been for me
saying that he is a great dad - he enjoys and loves our DCs and makes loads of effort
We were 33 when we started trying and it was a good time for us

RevoltingPeasant - I'm sure he will be really cool and supportive to you during the pregnancy and he will be stood blinking back tears and talking drivel- love the baby the instant he holds it.

I thought my DH was being a bit 'meh' about the idea. He did however know I was intensely broody and that if he stayed with me he would become a Dad if it was physically possible. One holiday I was trying to get him to talk about it as I was thinking that soon would be a good time to start trying! He just wouldn't talk about it. I'd say things like 'Imagine going to the beach and showing your kids how to build a sandcastle.' He'd say 'Um, yeah, whatever.' He was so lukewarm I was starting to wonder about whether I was in the right relationship. In the end, after me trying to figure out why and then pester him for an answer, it turned out he just couldn't imagine these things. I was living a full-on family life in my head, he really wasn't! He said that he just couldn't imagine playing with his kids because he didn't know them yet. He didn't know what they looked like or even whether to put boys or girls into the picture, therefore he couldn't get excited over it. I had no problems imagining a generic offspring. He did. I had to create a picture for him using friends kids to even begin to get him to think about the reality of family life but even then he kept saying 'But those aren't my kids and I can't get excited about people I don't know.' It lasted until the birth. He wasn't interested in discussing names, he wasn't that fussed about getting a space ready for the baby and the whole watching and feeling the baby move inside me just was a step too close to weird for him. The closest I got to excitement was when he had to assemble things - aha, a job that requires TOOLS! Then he was handed our dd. He cried (although he claims the delivery room was just a bit dusty!). He only reluctantly let her go in order to let me have my first cuddle after I'd been cleaned up and sorted out a bit. He took quite a lot of pictures of just her toes because he couldn't believe how tiny and perfect they were. He whispered, on returning to the ward, that it was a shame the other babies were all so ugly, red and wrinkly when ours was so gorgeous. Even though she had a squished and puffy face after being suctioned into the world. He sat with his hand in the cot cupping her head, not sure if he was allowed to pick her up but desperate to hold her, for the whole time that I was in the bath after her birth. She is now 2. He does nappy changes and bath times and stories and endless jigsaw puzzles. He plays ball in the garden and goes on the slide with her. He pratfalls around to make her laugh and he tells her off if she's getting naughty. (And Daddy telling her off is a billion times worse than me - I get a shrug and a don't care look, he gets sobbing and instant apologies). He is there in seconds if he hears her cry (Daddy's got you angel - it's ok). Daddy fixes the thing that broke, moves the thing that got stuck, and tells off the step that tripped her up. If we go somewhere new, he likes to carry her/hold her hand so people know she's his - he's so proud of her. Ask him, even now, and he says 'Yeah, having kids is ok, I guess.' But watch him cradle her at bedtime because he likes to make sure that the last thing she hears before she goes to sleep is 'Daddy loves you angel'.

But, I'd watched him with friend's kids. I knew he'd be good. He just wasn't sure. If I hadn't been confident, I wouldn't have had kids with him because he was so ambivalent. If you've got other clues that tell you he'd be great, take those into account as well. If not, think really hard!

What a beautiful post Babybythesea.

I've got tears in my eyes and I don't do goo.

I was pretty touched by that as well- what a lovely summary of their relationship. :)

Yeah me too

Although I can't picture DP saying 'angel' - his nickname for me is Monster

My DH was never keen, but knew it would be a deal breaker if he said no.

He has remained an unenthusiastic parent, and I have parented alone 95% of the time.

If I had my time again I think I would not have had children with him.

We had our son when I was 22 and had just finished uni and my partner was 20 and in his second year. As you may have guessed this was an accident unplanned. But my partner has been a really great dad. Now, I am 33, and we have been trying for a new baby for some months - nothing happening as yet. I was broody from about 27, and he wanted to wait (sensibly) until we were more financially secure. Now, although I do really want another child, I feel more ambivalent, and he has got more keen. Things do change, and I think that unless someone says they categorically do not want children, it will prob be OK. I'm worried we've left it too late now. He is more worried about this, ironically!

I have also been touched by babybythesea's post. Some people are indeed ambivalent about having children, and then when the children are there, they fall in love with them. They find out that they can't live without them. They never, ever regret it.

But let's not forget of all the others, the ones who were ambivalent, or plainly did NOT want children, and after the baby was forced on them, they felt nothing. Some online forums are full of their messages of horror and desperation (see TruuMom Confession's, or TruuDad's if they hadn't been deleted and banned due to the content of the posts in there... which says lots in itself). Some of their lives have been destroyed. Many abandon their wives and children never to be seen again. Many stay and sacrifice their own aspirations, but they are miserable, and resentful.

The risk of someone "loving the baby when it's there" is too huge. This very forum is full of stories of dads that run away after a baby is born.

I do personally believe that no one that feels "meh" about kids should have them. Every child deserves a father and mother who want them.

Just my opinion, though.

I think it depends how well you know your DP. Is he usually reluctant to change, to buy new things, to go on holidays to new places but eventually takes the leap and he loves it? Or he doesn't?

My DH was meh about children. Grew up with his single mother, father was not around, his friends were never going to have children, he had no reference point. But he never said no categorically, just that he was not sure he wanted it. After ten years together I knew he wasn't the best risk taker but that once he made the decision to take a risk he was happy with the outcomes. So I worked at it. Like others have said, pregnancy was hard because he didn't get anything out of it. He was supportive but also worried. Even when baby came he wasn't quite sure, mainly because he was scared of becoming like his father and dissapearing. But very quickly and because he was involved from day 1 he started to get hooked. We have two daughters now and he adores them and he is as hands on as I am, we parent equally and are very happy with our little family.

I think you have to know him quite well to be able to decide.

I agree with aurynne I have seen some women push it and now they have ended up single or practically single because they have to do most of the childcare and I think even though they love their children they now wish they had been born in other circumstances. I think if you have a child with someone reluctant you will miss out on so much like both of you getting broody over every baby you see, both being so excited about pregnancy, going to all the appointments together, thinking of the names etc.

I think for some men and women babies are a need that consumes everything and when you see babies its all you can think about. Its very much how my husband and were and I think when men arent like that over babies is when you get the problems such as the man doing his fair share or when you see threads about things like men dont bond with babies they prefer older children so thats why he doesnt do much with a baby (which in my experience is a load of rubbish).

I think and this is a sweeping generalization women tend to be enthused by the idea of having children while men tend to be more "meh" about children in the abstract, like them on a specific basis and warm to them when they arrive. Having said that there's "meh" and "meh." A man who states categorically that he doesn't want children, as opposed to one who just says "well, maybe in a bit," should probably be taken at face value.

My DH was not ready at all...he quite liked kids but when we had a failure (the pill) he got very involved....at first he was afraid....but he loves our DC unwaveringly and without question....he would do anything for them and lves being with them. He has said things like "tank God the pill didn't work that month!"

It sounds fine to me OP....he sounds like he is coming round to the idea.

My dh was always very ambivalent about the prospect of having children but he knew it was something I wanted. We decided as a couple to try for a baby as we had talked and felt it was the right time. I was lucky to get pregnant very quickly and dh was a great support during my pregnancy and labour and delivery. He is a fantastic dad to our dd; he completely adores her and has done from the moment she was born. I think lots of men struggle with the enormity of the responsibilty they associate with having children. I'm glad we spent our 20s and early 30s enjoying life and travelling etc. - we were in the right place in our lives and our relationship to commit completely to our child.

Thing is, having a baby or deciding to TTC is a REALLY adult thing isn't it? I have DD, she was unplanned, and I could never imagine 'planning' a pregnancy, it fills me with fear, to take that huge adult step freaks me right out, like marriage, all a bit grown up for me.

I was glad it wasn't a 'decision' for me, it happened and it's wonderful, but I plan no more, helllllllll no.

It sounds like your partner is considering the idea and warming to it, and it's good he's aware that you would like children so he is informed.

Sorry to be nosy but are you planning to get married, do you reckon?

I only ask because my DH was a bit meh about kids at first, but after going through the whole process of getting married (which for us also meant a lot of immigration stuff) he was much more keen.

It wasn't that he loved me more, but getting married seemed to be a terribly 'grown-up' thing to do, and I think he just felt more ready (more confident?) afterwards.

He's a brilliant dad but I am glad we waited until he was more enthusiastic about the whole thing -- I think it also helped him be really supportive during my not-at-all-enjoyable pregnancy.

I'm in your position OP.

DP moved across the country to be with me, we live together, the relationship is great but he's very noncommital about this. His XW didnt want DCs and he was fine with that, but when we got together he said it was a nice idea and he felt 'more free' with me for having that option.

I'm fairly early 20s and he's 31 so we have enough time, I'm in no rush whatsoever and would happily wait til I'm 30 but I wonder if he'll ever want them.

My DP was a bit meh, I persuaded him, we had a beautiful DD, and he remained meh. I ended up doing all the work, and most of the breadwinning, and we split up.

(He also said he would never want another child - and this is something you see a lot of on MN.)

He's now a very hands-on co-parent, and a good dad, but it did for our relationship.

I wouldn't wish away DD for all the world, but if I was giving somebody advice it would be to have kids with somebody who ACTIVELY wants them. It has worked out ok for us, but I am a single parent now, and will probably never have more DCs.

To go a bit against the grain, most men I know aren't at all 'meh' about having children, they are very enthusiastic!

I know 2 men who were reluctant - both because it was 'too early'. 1 agreed because his wife really wanted one, 1 didn't agree but his wife "oopsed" him (he didn't speak to her for 3 months after she got pregnant!)

But I know about 10 men who were very enthusiastic about having children (all aged 28 - 32), plus one man who actually broke up with his wife because she didn't want children (contrary to what she had said before they got married) and he really did, plus 2 of my single male friends (aged 28/29) really want to meet The One, settle down and have children.

When I first met DH we both wanted children "in about 6/7 years". To my relief, as time went by, DH didn't change his mind, in fact he became more and more enthusiastic, to the point where this year we just said to hell with waiting, lets go for it.

He is now complaining that 9 months is too long

I think my room must be a bit dusty too after reading babybytheseas post, and I don't do goo either. Sniff.

I will never forget the DHs pride in those first 24 hours after DC1, nothing else he has ever been through has even come close in making him that happy and amazed. He wanted them though, but I'm ancient and it was just assumed rather than a great broody longing. Getting married then having babies was just how it was done.

DH and I were always "in sync" in terms of when we wanted to try for a baby. We would both have wanted to as soon as we were married but then had to wait till I qualified at work for their maternity payments. That said I had a real biological drive and would get distracted mid-conversation with DH if I saw a little baby and look at it, moon-faced. He never had urges as strong as mine!

Mind you DH was older - I was 34 and he was 38. Now he is 40 and we are expecting DC2 in Oct - there wasnt any conflict about trying for this baby either - we both seemed to want the same thing (about a couple of years or so between them).

That said he wasn't anything like as wrapped up in the pregnancy as I was - of course he was pleased and very moved when he saw DD on the scan, but he didn't spend every waking hour ruminating about it like I did. He was great at the birth and very emotional when she was born.

Since having DD he loves her to bits and is very proud of her etc and often gets emotional when she does something very cute. That said, he doesn't spend as much time thinking about DD and babies and children stuff in general as I do. He would never just pop into John Lewis to have a browse of toddler frocks, for example! Nor would he read up much on all the ins and outs of child development and all the rest of it.

So I would say that he has always been equally keen on children, just it manifested itself differently. I think its a rare man who would be quite as children focussed as we ladies are.

Its perhaps old fashioned but I agree that there is something about getting married that suddenly makes having DCs seem much more like it is the kind of thing people of your age might reasonably do.

We were lucky as we were among the last of our friendship group to have kids and DH has two elder brothers with kids already, so it didn't seem such a strange idea.