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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To miss my friends hen do?

21 replies

TeacupTempest · 12/05/2011 14:58

I am 7 hours away from where the hen do is happening (am currently travelling). Due to this the cost of the weekend will amount to about £250.

Despite the above under "normal" circumstances I would still be going with bells on! She is a very dear friend and the thought of missing her special weekend makes me sad.

However, on top of the above I will be 12 weeks pregnant. I don't really want to tell everyone there but can't see how to avoid that. I have been having quite a bit of pain on and off (went to A and E for early scan at 7 weeks) and am having horrid bouts of morning sickness throughout the day and often worse in the evening.

The dates also coincide with just about the only time I can book a private scan (needed due to travelling schedule)

Its all getting a bit complicated and I am now stressing out as I can't decide what the right thing to do is.........

Help?

OP posts:

takethisonehereforastart · 12/05/2011 15:03

Talk to your friend in confidence and promise to do something nice together at a later date.

Original poster

TeacupTempest · 12/05/2011 15:24

Yeah I could do that. Just wondering if I am being overly lame. Doesn't help that I have absolutely no energy at the moment.

OP posts:

CMOTdibbler · 12/05/2011 15:30

I think I'd contact my friend and just say that I was really sorry, but I just couldn't make it, hope they have a lovely time. Then contact a bridesmaid and send some money for a round of drinks.

Don't go into the reasons - no is a complete sentence after all

Aworryingtrend · 12/05/2011 15:31

YANBU at all. Explain to her just as you have here and she will definitely understand, any reasonable person would.

Bananamash · 12/05/2011 15:32

YANBU.

If you go and feel crap from pg, you will feel a million times worse for having paid all that money to go and feel crap!

I'm sure she will understand

Original poster

TeacupTempest · 12/05/2011 15:37

I don't think I can just say I am not going without giving her an explanation. She is a very good and long term friend and I owe her a bit more than just a "no" I think. Although it would be much more succinct!

I would have been telling her at 12 weeks anyway so not such a problem to do it a bit early. Its just that I know so many other pregnant women just suck it up and carry on as normal. If it were on my doorstep I would probably go for part of it. It the combination of money, the sheer awkwardness of getting there (unique situation), the pregnancy and the feeling rough all combined......

OP posts:

speakercorner · 12/05/2011 16:08

YANBU - and I definitely wouldn't go. It won't be fun because you will be tired and can't really drink. And if you are having morning sickness it will be awful. And, tbh, you need to prioritise the needs of yourself and your baby and rest. I don't think normal rules apply when you are pregnant.

I probably would tell the friend why, and ask her to keep the news to herself until you are ready to share. You can come up with some reason that she can use to fob off anyone mutual friends who wonder why you aren't there.

MercurySoccer · 12/05/2011 16:31

You sound a lovely friend. I think distance should be no object for a good friend's hen do, but if you're pregnant and not feeling 100% then this is a good reason not to travel a long distance.

Tuppence2 · 12/05/2011 16:38

If I was in your situation, and she was a really good friend, I would just tell her the reason. I'm sure she will more than understand. And you could always go for a girlie afternoon at a spa or for a nice lunch together.

jeckadeck · 12/05/2011 16:40

YANBU at all to miss the hen. I don't think anyone would argue with that. If I were you I'd tell your friend in confidence about the pregnancy and between the two of you you can cook up a plausible excuse for the others.

thegingerone · 12/05/2011 16:42

I agree with all those who suggested you tell her that you're pg (and having a bit of a bad time with it-I went to a hen weekend in my first pg and it was great. If i had to go now I'd die (13weeks with horrid ms))

Put something special together for her and send it to the hen organiser ( a cd of music you shared or just a funny story.) There may be something already being organised like that so, if you can manage it between vomitting and sleeping (oh the joys!), contribute to that.

Then if a few months time, arrange to have lunch/afternoon tea/a picnic with your friend.

You sound lovely and I'm sure your friend will understand.

skybluepearl · 12/05/2011 16:58

don't go and tell her honestly. tell her about the 7 week scan and the pains too. also the exhaustion and sickness. those first 12 weeks can be really hard going - i was signed off work for one of my pregnancies and the other were hard going too. she may not fully understand if she has never gone through it herself but if she is a good friend she will be fine with it.

Original poster

TeacupTempest · 12/05/2011 17:13

Thank you everyone for the lovely and understanding replies and advice. I think I will tell her all and just be honest with her. Thinking I will send her some champers and some treats for her and the other hens (chicks?) to enjoy in my absence.

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 17:23

I missing my oldest friend's hen do later this year, I just cannot justify the cost really, plus she's 300 miles away, DH is working away, the kids won't look after themselves and I'd be seeing her a week later for her wedding.

I didn't give reasons and wasn't expected to, I simply said "I'm gutted but I won't be able to make your hen do, really sorry" - she was fine, because she's a fabbo friend. If you feel you need to explain, then I think thats also fine, and the idea of sending champers and treats would mean that she still feels her mate is thinking of her and is you being a proper lovely mate.

Good luck with the pregnancy, she'd not want you to be there and not enjoy yourself, and I think 'hen do's' should probably be done a year AFTER the wedding anyway, because that's when you need a good girly night out more than ever!

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 17:24

Apologies didn't read before posting and sound a little like Borat.

Original poster

TeacupTempest · 12/05/2011 17:35

Really liking the idea of a hen do a year after the wedding! I might have me one of those (after sproglet has made an appearance of course).

OP posts:

Bartimaeus · 12/05/2011 17:41

"Its just that I know so many other pregnant women just suck it up and carry on as normal"

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 19 weeks and having a pretty tough time, not as hard as others but still lots of morning sickness and pain (was in A & E last week because of it).

I always feel like it's too early in pregnancy to be flaking out so much but everyone around me is telling me to stop being silly and just to rest.

I know many women who carried on as normal (at least for the first 7 months), but that's because nothing had changed for them - they weren't tired or sick or in pain. You can't compare yourself to other women, each pregnancy is different and forcing yourself to do too much will only harm yourself and the baby.

EssexGurl · 12/05/2011 17:49

A slightly different perspective. When I was 9 weeks pg with DD, I had an evening out planned with best friend. She had treated me to theatre tickets as a late birthday present. I had spent the previous 9 weeks throwing up constantly and really didn't want to go out. MW was on verge of getting me admitted to hospital because of sickness it was sooooo bad. But, as she had made such an effort and we don't see each other that much as we don't live that close I felt I really should go. I did tell her I was pg even though it was v early and she was sworn to secrecy. BUT I had the best night, didn't throw up once (usually ended up throwing up on way home from work, after dinner, before bed you get the gist) and really needed to get out and have a good time. I understand how you feel but also sometimes a change in routine is needed and you might even enjoy yourself!

Original poster

TeacupTempest · 12/05/2011 18:00

EssexGurl I very much do see what you mean. Its not just the pregnancy though its that combined with having to travel nearly 7 hours and it being the same time as my scan, so involves another diversion. I wont actually be on the mainland UK at the time.

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/05/2011 18:04

I agree with those who say don't go - and don't beat yourself up about this. Sure, some women sail through early pregnancy, but some can't get their heads out of the bog for months and others are flat on their backs. Every PG is different.
Tell your friend why but ask her to tell anyone else who asks that you have a violent stomach bug and send your apologies. She will understand.

cat64 · 12/05/2011 18:06

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