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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU For feeling harrassed and a little conerned??

52 replies

dingdongmrs · 12/05/2011 12:44

This may all sound very silly and maybe i am overreacting. i will start at the beginning, it shouldnt be too long!

Me and my husband use facebook, we have two fb friends that are the parents of our childs friend, they are in school together. We used to talk to them alot i suppose because we see them everyday at school but we wouldnt class them as real life friends, just the parents of our childs friend, so obviously we were poliet and friendly to keep things good between the children.

Anyway, two weeks ago the woman was very abusive to my husband her excuse was she had had a bad day!) she called him names and had a go at him for not working but he does work, he is on commission only and his own boss so he doesnt do 9 to 5 every single day but he earns more than her husband who works 12 hours a day for min wage, thats not our fault but she keeps having a go at my husband because she is frustated about her husbands job! anyway after this time she had a massive go at him, he deleted her from fb.

Big mistake, because her husband phoned us after midnight shouting the odds for him deleting his wife! he threatened to come and kick my husbands face it and burn our house down!!

So my husband was ordered to friends request her again! which he did, mainly because we were both concerned about these threats, we have children here and dont want to put them in danger so friends requesting her again was the safest option.

Anyway me and my husband have said we will be polite when we see them at school but not overly friendly in the hope that we can eventually just be classed as acquaintances and they may leave us alone. we dont want to rock the boat and have our house burnt down so we will say hello when we see them but that is it.

They are acting like nothing has happened but the husband has been a bit scary with me, im feeling harrassed, everytime i see him at school he wont leave me alone, he asks questions about me and my husband, he doesnt like it if i dont answer him or only give one word answers, he bugs me and asks me whats wrong. and he has also grabbed me a few times when i havent given him an answer he wants or when he wants to get my attention. i was walking out of school yesterday and he grabbed my arm and wouldnt let go but he didnt say anything, i pulled away and walked off. then today he followed me and child into the park near school and then stormed off because i wasnt playing on a park toy with him! its a big bopit type thing! hes 40 years old and even his child didnt want to play on it so he grabbed his child and said "we're going" and stormed off. hes unstable and im a bit scared of him.

I dont know what to do. im very concerned that he is getting physical and we have seen his temper. even his wife has said in the past how aggressive he can be with her and im very worried that he has turned his attention to me.

i dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Terraviva · 12/05/2011 13:22

If you're too scared to officially report it, why not phone the police (on your local number, not 999!), tell them what is happening and ask for advice. They must get lots of calls from people who want to report someone but are scared of reprisals... The police can talk you through the options before you even give his name if that makes you feel more comfortable.

But please, phone the police, tell the school and delete or block them on Facebook

frgaaah · 12/05/2011 13:28

He has threatened your family?

You need to call the Police NOW.

Defriend, take the advice of the Police, give them the records of e.g. the phone call, abusive messages, any witnesses (times, dates, locations of him grabbing you) - you can potentially get a restraining order for him to stop harassing you I assume (I've never had to personally but there must be SOME legal way of limiting his harassment of you, rahter than waiting for it to escalate beyond occasional grabbing and verbal abuse/threats).

Please please do this TODAY, don't wait a moment longer, this behaviour is unacceptable and you are not pathetic. This man and his wife is a bully.

sillytart · 12/05/2011 13:29

Has anyone else witnessed his behaviour towards you when at the school? His pestering you and the grabbing? If yes, then would they be willing to back you up to the police?
Is there anyone else you are friendly with at the school? Could you walk/stand with them so he will leave you alone?
Hope it goes well with the police, I know it's hard, but what he is doing is not on, it is threatening behaviour

takethisonehereforastart · 12/05/2011 13:39

DO you have witnesses to any of this or was any of this abuse done on facebook?

Other parents in the playground who may have heard the wife abusing your husband or messages you have saved or something? Someone who might have seen him grab you or heard him shouting in the park.

You have to report him to the police, he can't threaten to beat people up or burn down houses and get away with it.

If I were you I would also speak to the school and tell them the situation. I know it's not fair but perhaps they could change your childs class, or his childs class, so they aren't together anymore but without saying why. That might put a distance between the children that then naturally puts a distance between you and them as well.

Punkatheart · 12/05/2011 13:42

Police. Sounds like a bully but you must keep yourself safe.

bluepaws · 12/05/2011 13:45

i only got half way through the OP and felt like I was dealing with a group of 10 years olds, so gave up

he ordered me to friends request him so i did, he said she said, it was my ball

shakes head and walks away

saffy85 · 12/05/2011 13:52

Fucking hell! Shock Do people really act this way?! Scary.

Definately call the police- they threatened to burn your house down and beat your husband up! You shouldn't have friend requested these freaks again. I know hindsights a wonderful thing. Hope you reach a solution soon- no one should have to put up with this harrassment.

AgentZigzag · 12/05/2011 13:54

Yeah, bye bluepaws, don't call us we'll call you...

MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 14:01

It actually sounds like the man is besotted with the OP, grabbing her and following her...like a stalker.

Needanewname · 12/05/2011 14:03

What an arse! Agree with others, make a note of dates and times he's grabbed you. Next time he does it draw attention to yourself so others can see what he's doing. Alert the school as to whats happening too.

Good luck

SenoritaViva · 12/05/2011 14:06

I'm glad you've chosen to call the police well done. Facebook demands are ridiculous and I agree that they should be deleted. Some others have also rightly suggested asking a few trusted friends at school if they can walk you home etc. Not only will you feel more secure but also they can act as witnesses. If they abuse you in any other way (on line, phone messages etc.) please make sure you keep these as evidence. Poor you. Have you spoken to the police? What did they say?

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 14:51

Delete and block, don't be tempted to be their friend to keep tabs on them. Good on you for going to the police... I started reading your OP and thought 'here we go, more playground bollocks' but actually am rather shocked at the level of harrassment and physical aggression you've been the victim of.

Tape any phonecalls, even if you're not sure its them, and keep a diary of anything untoward that happens... yes its their word against yours, but a diary makes your word stronger, anytime anything happens, phone the police (not 999) and inform them, then log it in your diary.

I would also be tempted to have a quiet and calm word with the Headteacher so that they're aware of the situation.

MrSpoc · 12/05/2011 15:30

Call the police but i doubt it will help sorry. What you need to do is find some good, strong, hard mates to go and have a quite word with him. He is a bully and it is the only language that he will understand.

I'll garantee that if a few big men turned up at his door and put the freightners on him then he will realise that you are not a push over.

glitzy · 12/05/2011 15:34

Fgs MrSpoc...really!!!

Punkatheart · 12/05/2011 15:39

Not good advice. Clearly this is how tragedies happen.

MrSpoc · 12/05/2011 15:39

Unfortunatly i grow up in a bad area and have come across a few people like this. "Do you know who I am, ill fucking burn your house down".

In a perfect world the police will do something but 9/10 times they wont be able too. Honeslty this is the only language he will understand.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/05/2011 15:44

The police do take harassment much more seriously these days, OP. Also, because this man is a neighbour and not your partner, they will act more quickly than if they considered it a domestic. Best of luck.

ScousyFogarty · 12/05/2011 15:48

yes, the police dotake such things more seriously, these days

QueentessentialExcel · 12/05/2011 16:14

It saddens me that I actually think MrSpoc may be right to a degree. This is the approach that worked for me when I was being stalked by an enamoured nutcase, who followed me around, even out of town, just to grin menacingly at me and say "I know where you are, you will never escape me, one day you WILL be mine". He had followed me home, and would be parked outside. Sadly, it is not against the law to be parked on the street, and read a book....
When everything else failed, as police did not take me seriously. Fgs, I was a 19 year old blonde.... Hmm I opted for MrSpocs approach.

As I was doing martial arts, I told the biggest and meanest looking blokes in my club about this guy. Next time I saw him, I happened to be with a giant of a man, and we walked up to him and I said "Just so you know, the tables are turned, I have told my mates at the martials arts club about you, AND shown them a picture of you, now YOU are stalked, and unless you leave me alone, they will do a lot more than just "keep an eye on you" and follow you around. " He was practically whimpering. And I have not seen him since.

AgentZigzag · 13/05/2011 13:13

Hows it going OP? Smile

Did you talk to the police?

Have the freaky people given you any more hassle?

HaughtyChuckle · 13/05/2011 15:10

Let us know how it goes OP?

Original poster
dingdongmrs · 13/05/2011 20:57

Hiya, thanks for the replies, the police have said they will see what they can do but no promises as its my word against his so im hoping just a warning from them will be enough, my child wasnt at school today she she i poorly so i will see monday whether he says anything or not, hopefully he will leave me alone but i will let you all know how it goes.

OP posts:
Mandy2003 · 13/05/2011 21:18

Facebook. Nasty. Won't have it in the house.

OP, I'm sure the police have told you - keep a record of anything that happens.

InAStateOfReflux · 13/05/2011 21:24

I hope everything goes well. If I were you I would come off facebook completely. DO you really need to be on it? Surely you can just phone or email your REAL frineds and that way you are not revealing everything to these vague aquaintances.

Anyway, they sound toxic, so I hope the police take it seriously.

Mandy2003 · 13/05/2011 21:27

InAStateofReflux - you just posted the other half of what I thought of posting! The only reason I didn't was that maybe it could be seen by the aggressor that he'd driven her off Facebook and so boost his ego and make worse threats?

But yes, how badly does the OP need Facebook in her life?

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