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AIBU?

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Original poster

Oh bleck. Posted about MIL and not washing a while ago...

21 replies

CocktailQueen · 12/05/2011 00:46

and now she is staying with us and not washing.

Have offered to wash her clothes (she has only one pair of trousers for the week, tho changes of tops). but she says no.

Have left basket of toiletries in her room, inc toothbrush and paste, soap, sponge, etc,. as she has taken nothing with her save a comb. Gaack gack. HAve said to her 'they are in case you have forgotten anything.' She said, 'oh' and has ignored them.

She stinks so much she makes me gag. Can't be in a car with her without opening all windows. Bleurgh. DH is no use and refuses to talk to her. Says he is too embarrassed. WTF? Men!

What else can I do??

OP posts:
Alambil · 12/05/2011 00:47

talk to your doctor about it - she may need a check up (physical and mental health)

Valpollicella · 12/05/2011 00:49

Can you talk to her? I don't know what your relationship is like...

But if you have any kind of relationship with her, please do mention it. In a 'Ok, you might not want to hear this but I want to tell you as I care about you' kind of way

Is she depressed at all?

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 00:49

My FIL is very very smelly, but he has Alzheimers so there's nothing to be done really. I do take direct action when he stays here and run him a bath (lots of bubbles as he won't wash) and steal his clothes once he's in it. We keep a clean set of PJ's and a fresh set of clothes here, which he'll then put on, though he gets cross as they're not his. I always feel cruel, but I totally understand your frustration and the smell IS rotten.

Could you buy your MIL a new outfit, is she polite enough to wear it? Then steal her clothes and get them washed a replaced by morning?

I realise I sound cruel, I adore my FIL and if he weren't ill would be upset that he smells.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/05/2011 05:03

You're not cruel, aldiwhore.

All you're trying to do is restore your adored FIL's dignity, and somewhere/someplace he recognises your kindness and thanks you for your love and concern for him.

CocktailQueen, has your MIL been like this since you've known her/when DH was younger? Does she make any effort with her appearance.

Havecrowsfeetneedbotox · 12/05/2011 06:35

Has she always been this way? Or a recent thing?
This is how my grandmas alzheimers started. She had always been very clean and tidy but stopped washing, cleaning her teeth and clothes. She became very angry if you mentioned it.
If this is a new thing I would get a Dr involved asap.

ZZZenAgain · 12/05/2011 06:42

what possible reaso could she have do you think for not cleaning her teeth, washing or wanting her clothes washed? If she is combing her hair and changing hertops, she has not entirely given up on her appearance

squeakytoy · 12/05/2011 07:47

I think either you or your husband will have to bite the bullet, and say something.

I can understand your husband feels embarassed, it isnt a pleasant thing to have to do, but it will still have to be done by one of you.

There isnt an easy way to tactfully tell someone they smell, but my words would be as she heads off to "I am doing the washing tonight MIL, pass me your stuff and I will pop it in and it will be dry by the morning for you"... if she says "no, thats ok", you need husband to then back you up and say "mum, let Cocktail wash your stuff please, or you will start to smell".

RunAwayWife · 12/05/2011 07:50

I think you are going to have to say that unless your DH speaks to her she is not welcome in your home, failing that you need to speak to her and be blunt, she smells and it makes you feel ill, either she washes or she stays away

ZZZenAgain · 12/05/2011 07:55

does she smell when she is living in her own home too?

I wondered if she is washing but is smelling in spite of it- perhaps connected to some health problem she doesn't like to mention.

ettiketti · 12/05/2011 07:56

Please try and speak to her directly about it. My lovely dad has early dementia in his mid60s and smells :( it breaks my heart and we do our best but he's very defensive about it and we don't often get anywhere. I hate to think people talk about him.smelling as he was always a very well groomed businessman til a couple of years ago.

lesley33 · 12/05/2011 07:59

I think you have to just talk to her. TBH I have had experience of this and as I said on your earlier thread, hints don't tend to work in these situations.

If she thinks its fine to wear 1 pair of trousers for a week for example, then buying her new clothes or offering to wash clothes isn't going to help. After all, if she doesn't realise there is a problem she is not going to agree to you washing her clothes - why bother - or wear new clothes and change them more frequently than she does her current clothes.

She probably doesn't realise she smells. She may become angry when you tell her that she needs to wash and change her clothes more because she smells. But if you imagine someone telling you that you smell you will understand that this reaction is natural. But please don't let this stop you saying this to her.

It will affect her life although she may not realise it. For example it will be much harder for her to make friends and existing friends may avoid inviting her to things because of her smell. So you will in the longer term be doing her a favour.

When I had this situation I just plucked up courage - after lots of hints that didn't work - and said to my relative "I know you probably don't realise it, but you need to wash and wash your clothes more because you do smell." His immediate reaction was anger, but then he seemed genuinely shocked to have been told this. But almost immediately things got much better.

Although he did start to backslide against after a month and I had tol say the same again. Since this second time there have been no problems.

Good luck with this - I know its not easy.

Punkatheart · 12/05/2011 08:02

I would agree with a lot of the wise comments here. It may well be dementia or depression. You need to talk initially to her son and then to a doctor.

lesley33 · 12/05/2011 08:09

And although this may not be the case with your relative, with my relative it was neither dementia or depression.

MumblingRagDoll · 12/05/2011 08:14

How sad.....OP I do think that if DH can't bring himself to mention it then you must....she''s your relative....imagine f other people are thinking "yeuch!" about her....you should try to bring it up...hard I know...bu maybe saying something like, "Would you like me to show you how the shower works or run a bath?" and when she says no then you have to bite the bullet and say something like "I think you really should MIL because you dont smell too fresh....I think you will feel better."

greygirl · 12/05/2011 08:31

my sister's french exchamge student didn't wash and smelt awful. we all put up with it because we were too polite - when she went to university she was bullied mercilessly because of it - I wish I had said something to her - it would have made her life better. I know we are talking about a different age, but if it was you smelling and not knowing - wouldn't you want to be told?

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 12/05/2011 08:32

First step I would talk to my husband.

I would point out that he can't love his mum very much if he would rather she goes round stinking than have a difficult conversation with her. And he's happy for everyone she passes to smell her and think badly of her, as long as he doesn't have to have a tough conversation. And that loving someone and caring about them means that sometimes you have to make a decision that means trouble in the short term, and maybe them hating you for a while, because it is in their best interests. I have had to do something this week in a similar vein (not about body odour). I will happily pm you about it if you think it may help you to tell him and to help him to understand why he has to strap on a pair even if the result is she is cross with him.

RunAwayWife · 13/05/2011 20:37

You could just fabreeze her as you walk past

FriedSpamButty · 13/05/2011 20:53

And again Hecate is right!

As a manager I once had to go to a training session about dealing with difficult situations and one scenario was having a whiffy staff member when other people had complained.

The film was fab and basically the manager took the person away to a private office and raised the issue but gave them as many to excuse the stinkiness as an aberration as possible. The building's heating has come on and maybe your new deodrant isn't as affective as the one you used to use, maybe your deodorant is less effective than before, you're obviously a lot more active, maybe your new laundry detergent isn't as effective as your old one and finally - maybe you have a medical condition that you should get checked out as this isn't like you. Even if it is, always give them - and you - an excuse for raising it and getting it sorted.

I am most relieved that I haven't - yet - had to deal with anything like this. Best of luck OP!

FriedSpamButty · 13/05/2011 20:56

Gawd - red wine attack.

'as many reasons to excuse'

There are probably more errors but I need to open more wine Grin

MoonGirl1981 · 13/05/2011 21:00

Not looking after yourself is a sign of depression.

Also a possible early sign of dementia when someone forgets to was or forgets the sequence in washing.

Depends if she was always dirty though. If she's always been like it then I doubt she'll change.

sunshinelifeisgood · 13/05/2011 21:41

You need to take a gentle approach, my dad has alz and I struggle to get him in a bath once a week!!. He also sleeps in his clothes which for some reason he will change (with a little persuasion) each day. If she has alz it is part of the illness I am afraid as others have said on here. Wish you all the best xx

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