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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and think this person is not a good friend?

25 replies

Lipstickgal · 11/05/2011 18:51

I was told today in the course of an easy- going coffee chat with another Mum that I am considered somebody who thinks they're better than everyone else because I speak 'Queen's English' and I always look tidy. When pressed she said she had overheard a group of Mums discussing this..... I have a disabled child and I haven't felt able to participate in all the general meet ups but I have good friends who understand this is not standoffishness on my part. I do take care of my appearance because it makes me feel better but wouldn't dream of commenting to others on theirs-I don't do the bitchy bonding stuff. I prefer to tell someone something nice or say nice things about others. I don't seem to have the need and find it awkward when others start to discredit friends.
If I heard somebody saying something unkind about a friend I would come out in support of the friend,yet my friend didn't do this from what I can gather. Also when pressed she became vague about when she had overheard this and wasn't clear about who it was. I said if I had offended anyone and made them feel bad I would really like to know so I could make amends and she said that it was just a group of mums and that what they said didn't matter. Why then did she feel the need to tell me this? I keep things to myself I have overheard rather than hurt others as I think good friends should. I feel angry as I don't behave badly and always try to be kind. I don't know what to do about this friendship now.......

OP posts:
MrsMoppet · 11/05/2011 18:55

YANBU. She sounds like a complete cow, and I would completely ignore everything she's said. Some people are just mean and enjoy stirring.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.

AppleyEverAfter · 11/05/2011 19:01

YANBU! Why would she even tell you this? Is she trying to put you off people so you hang round with her more? It's weird that she mentioned anything when it could only upset you.

LordofthePies · 11/05/2011 19:06

Agree, sounds like she's enjoyed a bit of bitching here.

If she was a good friend, why would she even think of telling you this.

Nasty.

mossi · 11/05/2011 19:09

I think she's made this up. Either way, she doesn't sound nice. Carry on being the lovely person you clearly are and avoid her.

tiredfeet · 11/05/2011 19:09

Yanbu she sounds horrible.

Original poster
Lipstickgal · 11/05/2011 19:14

Thank you.
That's exactly it, I can't understand her motivation. I have really got on well with her too and considered her somebody I would confide in. I haven't upset anyone to my knowledge and haven't made enemies so this came as a shock. The more shocking thing was that she felt the need to relate this to me.

OP posts:
Acinonyx · 11/05/2011 19:17

There is an Arab proverb I am very fond of which translates as : he has not bad-mouthed you but the one who tells you so. Meaning - the real shit here is the one passing on to you comments made about you. I once went storming into my (Arab) manager's office full of hell over something someone had reported the UK manager saying about me - and he taught me that proverb. It has stood me in good stead.

People say allsorts of stuff about people. Most of it is just a passing sport and should just fade away. It just doesn't matter. Speaking nicely and being well-dressed (neither of which I am, sadly) is hardly a terrible criticism!

Don't have any more cosy chats with this snake in the grass.

Icelollycraving · 11/05/2011 19:19

She is unkind to tell you,what is the point?
I think it's her insecurity in her own appearance etc that have made her raise this. Unfortunately a lot of people only feel better by putting other people down,which makes me wonder if they are worth being friends with.
You sound like a lovely positive woman who doesn't judge others (which is virtually impossible,how do you manage that??!),have a large glass of wine & have a big cuddle with yr dh.

BluddyMoFo · 11/05/2011 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lipstickgal · 11/05/2011 19:45

Thank you everyone. I am just thinking how to handle this now as I see her everyday. Do I confront her and ask that if she hears anymore nasty stuff not to share it with me as it has hurt my feelings and done nobody any good or just disengage and remain polite and civil?

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 11/05/2011 19:52

Remain polite,polished & cool. Do not mention the rumours,if she mentions anything again,then just say 'I don't know what you expect me to do with info & I don't know why you want to upset me by telling me about rumours from people that clearly don't know anything about me,family or life.'

GooGooMuck · 11/05/2011 20:27

YANBU.

Has she done anything else to piss you off or just this?

I find it hard to disengage so I would have to confront it and tell her how hurt I was. If you see her every day you should be able to get over it in a couple of days, you sound really nice.

I would be worried about giving anyone any ammo though :(

GnomeDePlume · 11/05/2011 20:38

YANBU but dont confront as it brings you down to her level. I would be reviewing my contact with such a person.

If it is any comfort, DD1's boyfriend thinks that we are posh because:

  • we pronounce our Ts
  • we eat together
  • we talk together

I dont see it as an insult!

redexpat · 11/05/2011 20:59

YANBU.
I would disagree with some of the other posts. She sounds a bit thoughtless, but not really malicious. It doesn't sound like she was trying to upset you. She should have stuck up for you over what amounts to inverted snobbery, but maybe she doesn't like confrontation, or doesn't feel confident enough to do so in their company. Has she done anything else? I would continue this relationship but with caution.

MercurySoccer · 11/05/2011 23:16

YABU. I would like to think that a good friend would tell me honestly if she'd heard others bitching about me, so that I'd know the bitchy ones weren't really my friends.

hairfullofsnakes · 11/05/2011 23:25

Did she say how she responded when they said this? Did she stick up for you?

It's ridiculous that you are set upon for talking nicely - be proud of the way you talk! My accent is common as muck and I would much rather talk better! (innit) Wink

hmc · 11/05/2011 23:28

I would also expect a good friend to tell me if she had overhead others bad mouthing me - but I would expect attributable information; names, dates and context. Think it is odd to tell you this and the be circumspect about the details

takethisonehereforastart · 12/05/2011 01:03

Do you know who the 'group of mums' might be? Where did she overhear them talking?

Perhaps if you think you know who and where it was you could take the opportunity to speak to them about it and drop your so called friend in it with them at the same time

Just say something like "Mean Cow Friend has told me that I am giving people the wrong impression about being standoffish. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone here. I would like to participate more but it's difficult because of the way I need to care for my child. I really do enjoy your company though and was very surprised when Mean Cow Friend told me how you were all feeling. Perhaps we could get together somewhere for coffee and make a fresh start."

Or somethink along those lines anyway. If you want to be friends with them that is. Otherwise you could just say that you are only standoffish to people who talk about you being your back or stir up trouble to your face.

YANBU though. She's not really much of a friend.

kiwimumof2boys · 12/05/2011 05:42

God, this is why I don't go to coffee groups anymore !
Hmmm in 2 minds about this friend of yours - I guess she thought she'd be doing you a 'favour' (Sorry can't think of a better word !) by exposing people but sometimes it can be better not knowing though ? (Hope this makes sense !)

beesimo · 12/05/2011 06:41

Good on you for trying to look smart and having your own standards of behaviour if you have to 'lower' yourself to conform to others standards to be liked by this group frankly I wouldn't bother being part of it. They are just a bunch of backbiters I bet when they are all out together nobody dares go to the loo in case their 'friends' take the chance to be nasty about them. Pathetic.

I get flak because my house is clean and I like my family to look smart and cared for, just rise above it OP keep your head up and remember its not you with the problem it's them!

Northeastgirl · 12/05/2011 08:56

You know how to speak and you like to choose nice clothes - since when was that a crime?! It upsets me a little to think you're wondering "Have I offended them in some way?" Of course you haven't - that's just a confidence thing on your part.

I wouldn't mention it, but if your friend raises it again you could always say "I was a little upset to hear that and did wonder why you told me?" to make her feel a bit uncomfortable.

Fecklessdizzy · 12/05/2011 09:13

It's easy to read shyness as stand-offishness if you don't know any better ... Maybe just make eye-contact and smile if you see any of the gang on their own, say Hi, sort of break the ice ...

You sound nice but your friend sounds like a bit of a pain, TBH, why come out with something that was going to hurt your feelings and then backtrack as soon as you asked for more info? Seriously tactless. Is she the insecure type who needs to screw other people up to make herself feel better perhaps?

ettiketti · 12/05/2011 09:26

You sound lovely and I am totally with you on the non-bitching but preferring to say something nice!

I have never understood the mentality of people who tell others salacious gossip about them like in this case.... I have seen it so many times and it always makes me wonder why the person on the receiving end of the malice cannot see the "friend" telling them is as bad as the gossip-monger!

Put her out of your mind!

lesley33 · 12/05/2011 09:30

TBH I think it is really hard to for us to judge your friend from this. There are a few possibilities.

  1. She is bitchy and likes telling people negative things about them. If this is the case she may have made up what she heard.
  1. She is the kind of person who blurts and doesn't think before she speaks. She could have started to tell you about what she heard and as you asked for more details, she began to gradually realise that she shouldn't have told you in the first place. Insensitive, but not malicious.
  1. She wanted to tell you for your sake, but began to worry she shouldn't have told you when you asked her more questions.

I think her motivation affects how you should deal with this. If you don't know why she told you this, or suspect why, then ask her and judge her response.

Northeastgirl · 12/05/2011 12:03

Good advice from lesley33 - don't be too quick to judge

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