to wish that grandparents would make the effort to spend some time with our dc rather than showering them with money and presents?

[northender]

I suppose it's more of a need to vent than an AIBU really. Dh's parents live 300 miles away. We lived local to them until 7 years ago when we moved. I don't think we've ever been forgiven for that. ds(9) and dd(6) see them about 4 times a year when we visit. They generally come to us once a year despite them being retired with a good pension and having the option of driving or a decent train journey. Instead they choose to shower the kids with presents (mostly things they don't need/want), sweets, chocolate and money.

Last week we stayed with them. The kids came back with new clothes, toys, 5 big bags of sweets and £30 each. Dd left her swim goggles there. Today a big parcel arrived with said goggles, more clothes, 2 bags of sweets and £25 each to spend on their holiday.

Not much I can do about it without causing world war 3 but it makes me so and

There, got it off my chest, feel better I think!

so because they are retired with a good pension, they should be traipsing after you, 300 miles away where you chose to move to?

Er i dont think so

You chose to move, you do the traipsing

YABU - you chose to move a long way away. They are trying to show their love in other ways - I bet the DCs don't think the presents, sweets and money are unwelcome. Do you invite them to stay with them often and they refuse?

Maybe they like spoiling their grand children, at least they do and are not tight wads.

You chose to move they didn't move you did. It is harder for elderlies to travel be it drive or otherwise.

Yes we do invite them often and they choose not to come. When they do come they have a great time. When we lived local to them my parents were roughly the age they are now and managed to come to visit more often despite busier lives. The comment about the pension was more to say that money is not a barrier to them.

When we are together their main priority is to take them to the shops rather than to the park or playing games with them. I feel sad that their money seems to be used rather than time which is such a contrast to my parents and also dh's sister and her husband.

I don't know what you are moaning for tbh

YABU and like usualsuspect, I don't see what you have to moan about.

I guess some people are never satisfied unless the world revolves around themselves.

Fair enough.

expat that's really not the case. That's clearly how I've made it sound so I'll take it on the chin and wind my neck in.

I do understand where Northender is coming from.

OP - were your PILs like this with their own children - ie giving money/gifts in lieu of time?

They live 300 miles away ..I could understand it more if they lived round the corner

Thinking about it, my OP was in response to the parcel today which seemed OTT to me. My more general feeling is that when we do visit they don't seem to take advantage of that time and I feel sad for them as much as anything because these are their only grandchildren. I'm not ungrateful for the gifts just wish that it was more balanced. Is that more reasonable?

bearcrumble yes they aren't a close family emotionally but always spend lots on birthdays, anniversaries etc.

My mum always loved buying stuff for her GC.

My sister was abroad with her daughter & Mum would buy stuff throughout the year & save it up for when she saw her.

Would it bother you so much if it was your parents?

We are abroad now & when Dad stays with us he loves to spend money on the children.

ILs have never visited, but when we go there they have something for the children or give them money.

Isn´t it what GPs do?

I guess the thing to bear in mind is that you and your DH are their primary caregivers, they'll learn about love from you.

I don't think you'll be able to change the grandparents behaviour now - just let them go ahead and treat the children to material things (use it to your advantage even, tell them what the kids need).

Just make sure that your husband knows not to follow their pattern.

Okay I clearly do need to chill more about the presents. I have to say I come from a family that does presents in a very low key way so I have always struggled with what I see as the excesses of dh's family!

Thanks for that bc, very true. Dh is not continuing the pattern at all. Thank you for all your comments, it has helped.

I'm with you northender. Mine live 100miles away. Turn our offers of xmas lunch down but will eat with their friends, hardly visit, only if en-route to their friends, yet money and travelling isn't an issue as they are always away somewhere.

It is their life and their choice but I feel sad for my children, the money presents are no substitute for good time spent with family.

YABU. I expect they'd rather see more of their grandchildren themselves. (Without having to travel all day).

Hmm. There's buying presents and buying presents.

• buying gifts because they like to treat their gcs - that's ok
• buying gifts because they don't see much of them - that's kind of ok although they could choose to visit more instead
• buying gifts because it is easier than giving attention and time and energy - not ok

" when we do visit they don't seem to take advantage of that time " - that's the part that would get to me.

My ILs buy stuff for the gcs, and also play with them, chat with them, teach them stuff (how to plant lettices this weekend), listen to them play their instruments, praise their artwork, and generally enjoy their company.

My parents buy stuff for the gcs, and ignore them. They don't talk with them, they sneer at their artwork, decline the chance to come to their school concerts, watch from 100m away while we play with them, and generally act as though the children's only purpose is to pose for photos and give their gps a reason to go shopping.

Funnily enough, I don't mind my ILs buying stuff, but the stuff from my mum really irks me.

INeedALieIn and iglooparts of what you have both said resonate with me. They have been staying with us and needed great persuasion to do the walk to or from school with us They didn't want to watch ds parade with cubs on Remembrance Day, again while they were staying with us. These are everyday things that I do appreciate they miss out on because we live so far away. I would expect them to jump at the chance of things like that. The travelling is not a huge issue for them as they do go on weekends away (driving long distances)and other holidays involving quite a bit of travelling.

"I feel sad that their money seems to be used rather than time which is such a contrast to my parents and also dh's sister and her husband."

so your family spend time with your kids and your in laws give them money and presents?

and WHAT exactly are you moaning about???

you have absolutely no idea how lucky you are, have you?

I know what you mean northender and this annoys me too.

Your DC would probably much prefer to spend time in the garden/ park/ parades/ anywhere.

I would hate my DS to expect lavish toys and money at each visit. If I sound ungrateful it is because I am. I have a house full of stuff my DS doesn't want to play with and it feels to me like they are trying to buy his love. In my case, I believe both sets of GPs are overcompensating for not making an effort.

ssd I do realise how lucky we are, that does not mean I can't post about a particular thing which annoys me and yes does sometimes make me feel a bit sad.

of course you can post about something annoying you, I'm just pointing out me and probably many others would absolutley love to be in the position you are sad about

Don't be too hard on them. 300 miles is a long journey and if they are old would find that journey very tiring. They would have to stay over and if they are like my parents just want to sleep in their own beds. It sounds to me like they miss and love your children very much and are doing the best they can under the circumstances. I think you should make the effort to go and see them if you are worried about them not seeing enough of your children.