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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to mention his deceased son?

16 replies

WriterofDreams · 11/05/2011 14:58

I'm friendly with a lady through a hobby that I do. We see each other every week and have been out together quite a few times, although we've drifted apart since I had my son last December. I'm pretty sure this distance is as a result of the fact that her own son died a couple of years ago at a very young age and that it is hard for her to be around babies or even to discuss them. I'm totally fine with that and I let her dictate the friendship IYKWIM. Anyway that's just background.

She's still friendly with her ex husband (son's father) and I've met him a few times. We're friends on facebook. His birthday is today and his deceased son had the same birthday. So far the messages on fb have made no mention of the son at all, which I find quite sad. I want to send him and possibly my friend a message acknowledging their son's birthday - would this be appropriate? Also, if it would, do you have any ideas how I could word it? The son died before I met this friend so I never knew him.

OP posts:
slavewife · 11/05/2011 15:01

No I wouldn't, however I would send a angel card, I do this to my friend angel dd, who was stillborn, however she was still born!.

DooinMeCleanin · 11/05/2011 15:02

YANBU. My sil lost hers on and she said the hardest thing is people acting as though he never existed. She's much rather people talk about him.

How about 'happy birthday to you and

NeverSayPie · 11/05/2011 15:03

I think the exact opposite of slave, I would like a PM, but would hate an "angel card".

squeakytoy · 11/05/2011 15:04

I dont think "happy birthday" is the right thing.... perhaps "birthday thoughts", and some people may find the angel thing a bit offensive too slavewife, it is best to keep things as neutral as you can..

mumblechum1 · 11/05/2011 15:05

My ds1 died aged 7 and I would also hate an angel card. People seem to have forgotten his birthday now, except close family but they know that I find it too upsetting if people send flowers etc (it was 11 years ago so not so bad as it was in the early years)

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 11/05/2011 15:06

My big problem is how to word it. Originally I was thinking of saying "Remembering on his birthday" but I never met him so that seems a bit weird doesn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
WriterofDreams · 11/05/2011 15:07

So sorry to hear about your son mumblechum. How would you feel if a friend mentioned his birthday? Would you appreciate it or just find it upsetting?

OP posts:
slavewife · 11/05/2011 15:07

My friend loves it, so hence I will continue to do so. she loves the fact that out of all her friends, family etc... Im the only one that remembers her dd and dont act like she did not exist. she does it to her angel friends babies who all appreciate it also.

My Mum does it to her own still born sons, 26 years on

squeakytoy · 11/05/2011 15:08

how about "thinking of you today"

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 11/05/2011 15:09

Yeah that might work - maybe "thinking of you on

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 11/05/2011 15:10

Yes, "thinking of you" - she knows what you mean but it isn't all over facebook with others piling in.

Have never heard of angel friends babies.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 11/05/2011 15:13

I wouldn't put it on her wall, I'd send it as a message.

OP posts:
penguin73 · 11/05/2011 15:44

I would send it as a message definitely, there may be some FB friends who don't know the background/family history.

jeckadeck · 11/05/2011 16:31

Agree with DooinMeCleanin that people pretending someone didn't exist is awful, but you have to tread quite carefully, given the grief involved. I'd say "thinking of you", rather than sending happy birthday wishes, which might be a bit upsetting if it concerns a dead child. Don't know what an Angel card is but it also sounds potentially a bit near the knuckle. Also I'd send it as a card or at least an email, not on someone's Facebook wall. Wall is a bit public.

midori1999 · 11/05/2011 16:39

YADNBU, absolutely send her a message (don't post on her/his wall about it unless they have). 'Thinking of you, on xxx's Birthday' or 'I know it would have been xxx's Birthday today and I'm thinking of you' is very appropriate and least likely to offend.

It would have been my DTD's 1st Birthday on 30th April this year and several people, including my own Grandparents, my FIL and BIL didn't even mention it, if they remembered it at all. That hurts so much as it feels as if our daughters weren't important to these people. I don't really expect friends to remember the dates, but would have appreciated it very much if they had done. (a couple did) I have to say, I will probably never forgive the relatives that did disregard their Birthday.

It's lovely of you to think of your friend, I have a friend who lost her 9 year old (I didn't know him sadly, we met after he died) and she finds his Birthday extremely hard and I know that although nothing can take her pain away, the thoughts of those she knows mean a lot to her.

nufsed · 11/05/2011 17:30

I'm terrible at remembering birthdays, but have reminders set on my phone on the date my friend's dd was born and died to make sure I never forget to contact her. I just send a text saying I'm thinking of her on that day.

She really appreciates someone letting her know she's not the only one remembering her dd.

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