Yes, I?m afraid it?s a wedding one. Sorry if I?ve missed any details out, it?s for reasons of brevity not trying to be AIBU by stealth!
My best friend since childhood got engaged in March. I?m delighted for her. I, along with another friend (who I also know very well), was asked to be bridesmaid, although DP?s weren?t invited as the wedding was going to be tiny (ie, 20 people). I was honoured to be asked and was tasked with organising the hen do etc. Initial discussions have been had but I haven?t actually organised anything yet.
Easter Monday, DP and I went over for lunch, took their engagement present and had a lovely time. Naturally we ended up discussing the wedding and DP?s are now invited as they have realised it?s not really realistic for them to have such a small wedding. We said how lovely and that we very much appreciated being included. We were chatting away about it and she suddenly announced that they had decided there isn?t going to be a formal wedding party as such. I said that they should do whatever felt right for them and it would be a lovely day. So she said this meant I wouldn?t be a bridesmaid. Again, I smiled, said fine, it?s your day. I hope I took it in good grace although the news was delivered rather ?baldly? IFSWIM. Apparently there?s not even going to be a best man (although her fiancé said to my DP that he?ll see about that ? not in a bad way, but in a ?you?ve got to be joking way').
On the day of the Royal Wedding, she rang up all upset about her decision and said that she thought she?d made the wrong decision and that she did want the all singing all dancing big do. I calmed her down, we had a good discussion, ended up making her laugh (she was kind of caught up in the Royal Wedding fever, IYSWIM). She said that she was thinking of having our other friend and I in toning but not matching outfits. I was confused but as she was upset I just let it go (I also had guests, their small children and various friends over so it wasn?t the time). She asked what I was planning on wearing and I said that I?d only had 3 days to think about it but I was probably going to wear something which was like the dress I wore to my brother?s wedding. She said I couldn?t wear it as her wedding dress was going to be in that style! What am I, psychic?
Fast forward a couple of weeks and we?re on the phone and she announces that she would like the other friend and I to wear a particular colour. I said, ummm, why? She said because then we would co-ordinate and that we?re part of the unofficial wedding party. And that we?re due at her parent?s house at X time, and we?ll be going in the car with her mother to church. And wearing a corsage each. And I said, but we?re not bridesmaids? And she said no, and I said, laughing, well in that case you can?t ask us to wear what you would like, and she said ?No, but I can give you a colour and veto the outfit if I don?t like it?
I was gobsmacked.
I didn?t really say anything after that.
I?ve since been for dinner with her and the other friend, who also thinks this is totally unacceptable.
It?s apparent we?re paying for these outfits (she can well afford them, it?s not like I can?t, but that?s not the point, it's the approach to it IYSWIM), she?s planning on me organising her hen do, and we?re essentially bridesmaids but without the frock. Hell, it's not even about the bloody frock. Really.
AIBU to sit her down and tell her straight that I think she is being unreasonable ? she can?t have it both ways? We?re grown ups, we can take it, but this is (to my mind) ludicrous. Or do I just let it slide, say nothing, and dismiss it as bridezillaness?
I've been brooding on this and I'm actually quite upset - it feels disrespectful. I'm not going to fall out with her about it, I'm not going to start a row - but could do with some guidance. My mum thinks that I should not organise the hen do, and not get involved (not sure how she envisages that panning out!)