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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

snootie mum and DC's likely to be in same class next year? Advice

51 replies

janeybo · 11/05/2011 08:12

Snootie mum's hubbie used to be best friends with my hubbie. Her and I never really got along but we tolerated one another for over 10 years (socialising) together etc.
Anyway her and I had a fall out over 12 months ago and she has completely ignored me ever since. Sometimes it's quite scary other times it's quite funny. If she passes us in the playground or whilst dropping off/collecting she nearly knocks me and my DC's out of the way (whilst she scowls and sticks her nose in the air). I on the other hand am pleasant but not OTT with all the mums I encounter (but that's just me).
Anyway she a social climbing, manipulative, meglomaniac and only speaks to certain mums at school if she thinks their is something in it for her and her DC's by associating with them. I usually try and avoid her and it's a big school so not too difficult. However, the school is having a re-org and jumbling up the classes next year (kids in infants). Should I speak to head or class teacher in the hope of our DC's avoiding the same class so less likely to have any contact with her or offspring in case she gets in first or say nothing? Just worried if they end up in the same class she will be manipulative and spiteful to my DC and I will feel on edge every day?
NB this has gone way beyond sorting out and making up. She is so manipulative you have no idea.

OP posts:

Xenia · 11/05/2011 12:06

The parents who try to lobby over which class a child goes into just look like silly idiots. Leave the school to manage those things. Just imagine if every child in the class had a parent trying to fix classes etc. You can't run a school that way.

She certainly sounds a bit silly.

One o slution is to do what many women do - work full time and get someone else to do the dull silly school run. It will solve your problems at a stroke and make it easier to pay school fees. Win win all round.

Jojocat · 11/05/2011 12:09

I think I would try speaking to the mum in question one more time and saying can't we be civil for the sake of the DCs? If she continues to knock into you I would maybe speak to the head or deputy (whichever has the more motherly nature) and say that you are feeling worried about taking your children to school because this lady has been so unpleasant and does the Head have any advice on how to deal with the situation?

I would not worry about her DC being in a class with yours unless one of them has bullied your child. The children need to learn to get along with one another.

CantThinkOfDecentNameChange · 11/05/2011 12:11

''work full time and get someone else to do the dull silly school run. It will solve your problems at a stroke and make it easier to pay school fees. Win win all round''

Was it mentioned this is a fee paying school? .
Some people do actually work flexi-full time but start after 9am

Xenia · 11/05/2011 12:13

I didn't nkow if it were fee paying or not. I assumed not. If the mother worked she might be able to pay school fees. The school run is over hyped. People who fuss over all this stuff just need to get a life and a career.

skybluepearl · 11/05/2011 12:13

i think you should leave class moves to the teacher/head. you are big enough to be grown up about things and so don't make a fuss. you don't mention anything about the kids having a problem with eachother.

CantThinkOfDecentNameChange · 11/05/2011 12:19

''If the mother worked she might be able to pay school fees''

Oh yes, it's as easy as that for the vast majority isn't it .
What a ridiculous thing to say when it's not even relevant to the original post.

paddypoopants · 11/05/2011 12:19

What have your dh and her dh got to say about this- if she really is being as vile as you say and the elder kids are being disrespectful to you and if she won't accept your friendly advances then I would fully expect my dh to have a word with his friend and help sort it out. It's not nice when someone behaves like a PITA but you'll look like an idiot if you go to the headteacher and give her more ammunition.

Scholes34 · 11/05/2011 12:29

If it's a big school, you should be able to keep out of her way. If she's as silly as she sounds, you're probably not the only one in your DC's school year that thinks this. Don't try to manipulate which class your DC goes in - your decision could come back to haunt you at some stage when something else goes wrong. I know it must be hard, but just continue to be the bigger person here.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 11/05/2011 12:31

Yet another insightful irrelevant post there Xenia. Utterly irrelevant but you get to bang on your little drum.
OP be the bigger person , be pleasant and corteous at all times it will make the other mum's teeth itch, and everyone will see her behaviour for what it is.

moominmad · 11/05/2011 12:33

you're a calmer than me for a start OP

if someone intentionally knocked my DC out of the way they'd look like an advert for dentures.

MackerelOfFact · 11/05/2011 12:43

Don't bring it up with the head, you will look petty. I don't even really see why your DCs can't be in the same class - to make things easier for you as you won't have to try as hard to avoid her? The primary purpose of school isn't exactly to make the parents' lives easy, is it? It's irrelevant IMO.

You have my sympathy, she does sound like a nightmare. If he is actually harming your children then I'd involve the Police and head about that, definitely - but don't really see why it should affect what class the DCs are in.

Jojocat · 11/05/2011 13:14

Xenia - getting some one else to do the school run may make your life easier but it doesn't mean that other people who chose to take their children to school are doing the wrong thing. I have had some lovely sunny walks to school with my children this spring and they are often far more chatty on the way to school than back at home later.

There are awkward characters everywhere in life and you certainly get the odd bitchy person in the workplace. Working full time does not make you immune to difficult social situations. The OP was asking for advice on dealing with an awkward lady not for a judgement on her school choice or to be told she can not be working hard enough if she takes her own children to school.

MollieO · 11/05/2011 13:16

OP why do you only talk to parents with children in your dcs class? I assume you must do this or else being in the same class as Manipulative Mum wouldn't be an issue. Strange as you say the classes have been mixed once already. Did you stop talking to those parents when the previous mix happened.

You really do sound as if you need something more on your life if this problem is a major concern to you. Children make their own friendships irrespective of what their parents would like. And vice versa.

If I were you I'd take up a hobby.

MoshiMonstersRUs · 11/05/2011 13:33

"The parents who try to lobby over which class a child goes into just look like silly idiots."

I have to agree. There is a mum at my DC's school who is forver involving herself in silly arguments and dragging the school into it. The school are sick of her interfering and trying to 'arrange' which class she wants her DC's to go in. And it all backfires superbly! She makes such a fuss I think the school are half scared to go along with her requests in case other people follow suit and try to do the same.

I'd keep quiet and at a dignified distance if I were you.

ImeldaM · 11/05/2011 13:41

I agree with DillyDaydreaming & think that is the way to go. I have had 'rucks' with at least two mums in my DS playground ( I must be a right stroppy cow!) and am having to constantlly tell myself, smile politely & carry on!

QuackQuackBoing · 11/05/2011 13:42

There are some really bizaar responses to this thread!

Zenia for example is obviously oblivious to how nice it can be to take your children to school and it is something that can just be given up at the drop of a hat! By your suggestion that the OP needs a career . . . well!

The OP has a very good reason for not wanting her child to share a class with the womans child. The woman is a bully so why should the OP have to be faced with that every day, made to feel uncomfortable going into school and have to be constantly on guard in case the woman barges her and her children!

OP if I were you I would speak to the head and explain the situation. He won't think you are petty if you put it the right way and it will solve you all sorts of possible problems in the future.

Original poster

janeybo · 11/05/2011 20:36

Thanks for all the advice good bad and indifferent.
I do have a p/t job (quite a good one actually) which I can just about fit around school drop off's (which I enjoy until faced with SM). I do speak to other mums in other classes. And do feel that school should be left to run itself without too much unnecessary influence from parents, which is why I let fate take it's course last time around (unlike many other parents in SM's class).
I might try one last ditch attempt re; saying hello to her by name if we are faced with each other at a small social occasion or if the class situation occurs. It is much harder to ignore and be ignored when smaller numbers are present and it is not in my nature to behave like this. I don't like confrontation so if I think this will be the case were SM is holding court. I take a book or sit as far away from SM as poss leaving myself on the outskirts.
SM does her barging quietly when she is not being observed by others particularly by her snootie cronies usually in a door way or quieter entrance/exit to school and the ignoring is similarly also very subtle and discreet.

OP posts:

Booandpops · 11/05/2011 21:14

I am part of a mums group that had a fall out with one lets say odd personality mum
Her dc is in my Dcs Yr but we just exchange hellos and leave it at that mostly
No point in being silly That will/might make u look the guilty pArty if she is that manipulative.

mossi · 11/05/2011 22:29

I'm in a similar situation as you op and our dcs are in the same class. it does cause problems. If I start to get friendly with other mums, she immediately gets friendlier with them, inviting them round to her house and then bad mouthing me. But I don't want to appear like a nutter myself so will not be asking the head if my dc can be in a different class. I'm playing the long game. If she's like that with me, she will be like that with others and eventually they will realise. In the meantime I will ignore the catbumface I get every day and smile sweetly as my dc comes out of school and pretend nothing is amiss. It is really upsetting though and makes me really anxious going in there every day.

Original poster

janeybo · 11/05/2011 22:43

Thanx Mossi. Glad I am not alone.

OP posts:

hairfullofsnakes · 11/05/2011 22:50

I think people are being really unfair in calking you childish - and they are the ones who need to grow up if that is their contribution to this thread. You are obviously concerned and you have valid concerns (birthday parties etc) if this woman makes it difficult for her dc to talk to yours (how awful of her to use her child in her petty arguments). I don't think there is anything wring in chatting to the school about your concerns and asking what they think could help.

muttimalzwei · 11/05/2011 23:03

Janybo I can sympathise. I avoid the cliques and the mums who ignore me. It is so hard to have to deal with that woman every day but you will have good days and bad days. If her husband knew about it what would he say, wouldn't he like to know just how horrendous she has been to you?

muttimalzwei · 11/05/2011 23:04

It's a shame that this couldn't be all brought to a head in some way? I am imagining the two blokes sorting it out by making her feel ridiculous.

Original poster

janeybo · 13/05/2011 19:13

No that will never happen they both just want an easy life.

Besides she ALWAYS GETS HER OWN WAY. She surrounds herself with 'yes' people and her hubbie goes along with everything she wants. Her best friend was chosen for the same reason. Her other cronies are 'like minded' people who she sees at least as good as her or better or able to assist her in getting where she wants to be. Anyone who doesn't fit this criteria or won't play ball and go along with exactly what she wants is immediately out of favour and cast aside.

OP posts:

muttimalzwei · 13/05/2011 19:16

What does your hubbie say about the situation. IS he sympathetic?

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