Father Unknown (Long)

[DorisDoesntDance]

Been on MN for the last six months and just plucked up the courage to ask this as it's weighing on my conscience massively and I truly don't know what to do for the best.

I have a baby and I don't know who his father is. There are two possible men: one who I know, but who has a long term girlfriend; and the other is a random, very drunken one-night-stand, so drunken that I don't even remember his name or much else that would help find him.

My baby is now several months old and I have never told Man 1 that he might be his or found Man 2. Man 1 was in communication when I was pregnant asking about due dates etc, but not heard a peep since baby was born. A little part of me thinks he might be worried he's the father but is not doing anything about it, as I haven't brought it up (and it would cause huge problems for him).

My initial plan (such as it is!) was not to tell Man 1 there was a chance it was his baby, unless he asked and not to find Man 2 (not sure I'd even know where to start tbh).

But, as time is wearing on and as I think about how my baby deserves to know who his father is, and that I am potentially depriving a father of a good relationship with his child... I'm wondering if I've made the right decision and am being reasonable.

So, please help me! I think I am being unreasonable to a certain extent, but I don't know how to fix it without hurting lots of people. As far as I'm concerned the most important person in all of this is my baby, so I need to make sure that whatever I decide is in their best interest.

I would definitely tell Man 1 there is a possibility he could be the father, it would certainly help with the process of elimination as he and baby could be DNA checked and if he wants to be a part of babys life if he is the father then you can cross that bridge when you know the facts.

If Man 1 is not the father then you can work out what to do about tracking down Man 2. Was he a friend of a friend of a friend?

I would start with Man 1. Either count or discount him. Contact him, explain the situation, and ask him to provide whatever is needed to prove/disprove paternity. You could be discreet and if he is not daddy and you so wish then forget him.

At least then you'll know what you've got to work with - either a known father with all the fallout that could entail, or a search (if you want) for Man 2.
Good luck with your decision and wherever it takes you.

hmmm

Man 2 is a non-starter, if you don't even have a name

Man 1, well, can you ask him to do a test thingie (I am so naive, no idea of this is even possible to do on the NHS or whatever)

??

What a sorry tale

thanks Little - have moved thread over to Relationships... really couldn't work out where best to put it!

Saggy - thanks. I have been wondering about telling Man 1, but worried about the backlash and upset if it all turns out to be wrong.

Man 2 is (to my utter shame) a bloke I picked up in a bar out drinking after my friends had gone home!

I'd discreetly talk to Man 1 and hopefully he'll consent to DNA test and you at least will know where you both stand and then go from there.

All the best.

I posted on your thread in Relationships.

Nearly £300 for the test! Bloody hell. I can't afford that. Might be able to discount Man 1 on blood types though (just had a look on the NHS guidance).

Good luck Doris. As you say you need to do what's best for your baby and better to act sooner than later

My eldest child's father was, in essence, a one night stand. I did know his name and roughly where he lived, but I never tried to find him. This was in the days when the internet was in it's infancy, so whilst it could have been done it wouldn't have been easy. I have no idea where he is now.

Over the years since I have thought that I should have tried harder - but then there was no guarantee he would have wanted to be involved. Yes my son has lacked a positive male influence in his life as I have no family around, but I can't say whether or not his bio father would have provided that anyway.

I have told my son a few things about his dad. He has only ever shown mild curiousity, though as he grows older that may change. I would be reluctant to tell him that he was the result of a ONS, only because that would give the impression that he was unwanted, whereas in fact having him is one of the best things I have ever done.

One way or other you and your baby will get through this, and if you can't find the dad, it will still all be ok :)

I agree that you need to DNA test man 1 first and then worry about man 2, this can be done discretely if he dosn't want his partner to know but if he is the father she is going to have to be told.

In terms of paying for the DNA test I believe the CSA will cover the cost if applying for maintenence and their is any doubt as to paternity, but I think you have to be pretty sure that he is the father to even start a claim.

Your child does deserve to know however and be given the chance to build a relationship, £300 is nothing to have the answers.

Thanks Kitty.

My biggest fear is when baby becomes a teenager, or younger and hates me for my stupid behaviour. and my LO is the best thing I've ever done and it's changed my life completely and absolutely for the better.

By the way, had a quick google and this place sells £99 test kits.
www.genetrack.co.uk/?gclid=CNHcoIzK3qgCFcod4QodjxDIAg

You can also buy them in boots now, £30 for the test and about £100 for the processing I think.
www.boots.com/en/Assuredna-DNA-Test-for-Paternity_1154716/

Sacre - £300 might be nothing in the long term, but in the short, it's money i don't have and can't borrow or find.

Would be worth looking into the CSA thing, but seems like a harsh approach to start a claim and then land a paternity test on the bloke... doesn't exactly seem friendly or conducive to reasonable relations.

certainly sounds like I need to bite the bullet and at least talk to Man 1 though.

cross post - thanks sacre. now I might be able to scrape together £130 or split that.

The boots one works quite well as you only pay the £30 at first and get the testing kit. Then you pay the lab fee when you send it off. Means you can do it in 2 payments and not all once.

Perhaps speak to man 1, get the test and see if he will go halves on the lab fee.

Doris, I feel the same way about my son, I was a bit of a mess when I got pregnant, and it meant I had to sort myself out, stop drinking (which I was, out til all hours 4/5 times a week, and still trying to hold down a v pressured job) and get my act together. It's been a bumpy road, but I don't regret it.

You need to find out if it's Man No 1 or not really. If it is, then should he not want any involvement, you know who he is, can tell your son about him when he's older (should he get to an age where he wants to find him). If it's Man no 2, obviously a more difficult situation, but much easier than the current one of not being sure which of 1 or 2 it is.

I'm sure if you do speak to Man No 1 (awkward though that conversation will be) that he would rather go halves on a £130 test to find out if baby is his or not, than have CSA etc getting involved when he might not even be the dad.

Re CSA etc, I know that when Ds was little and I was claiming benefit for a couple of months before going back to work, this automatically triggered a CSA claim, and I had to give details of DS's dad etc - they were not impressed with the fact I couldn't provide a full address or place of work. I don't know if you are, or are likely to claim certain benefits, this may affect you. My knowledge is a bit out of date though, it's possible the system is different now.

It's possible that your son may decide to trace his father, Kitty,

If/when the time comes that your son questions you more closely, honesty is the best policy.

Perhaps you could tell him that you were overwhelmingly attracted to his dad, and the inevitable happened. Say that in the cold light of day you realised that you had nothing in common, and you saw no need to pursue a longer term relationship.

In this way you'd be preparing your son for the sometimes fleeting nature of sexual relationships, and if you add that you've never had a minute's regret about your decision because having him is the best thing that's ever happened to you, I doubt very much that he will think ill of you or feel unwanted.

No shame, no blame doris. Raising a child is diffcult enough without burdening yourself with a self-imposed guilt trip (or two).

Izzy, I would want to be honest with DS if/when he does ask. I really was massively attracted to his dad - and vice versa. We also didn't have anything in common, very different in terms of where we lived, jobs, finances, which I have always told myself is why I never heard from him again. Probably didn't help that I gave him my business card with my number on :)

Kitty, that sounds a very familiar story. Csa thing might well apply for me too, so will check it out. Thanks for the info.

Izzy - thanks for your kind words and suggestion for telling the story in a much nicer way.

Where did u get your £300 quote from? I'm pretty sure in my local gp surgery I've seen signs saying paterniy tests £46?? Have u tried your local surgery? HTH x

I'd think very carefully about how well you know Man1 and if he's the sort of person you'd want to be tied to for years, especially given that he's likely to be bitter as it will inevitably affect his current relationship.

I have a DS 16 who has never known his father and I'm skeptical about the high value placed on contact/paternity etc, especially in our culture of fertility treatments and the fact that historically, many children unknowingly grow up with men who aren't their biological fathers. My son is a well-adjusted, successful teenager and is not at all traumatised by not knowing about his father - he has a huge extended family who he feels close to, with lots of positive male role models.

I have raised my son as a lone parent but I regularly hear tales of frustration from friends regarding messy contact arrangements and manipulation by exes. I actually feel relieved that I don't have to deal with any of that and also that any relationships aren't complicated by an ex on the scene (which often places huge restrictions on where you can live, work etc). DS has really benefitted from the stability and consistency of my parenting, which would have been disrupted by the kind of arrangements my friends have to deal with.

You do not have to hot him for child support, but it is probably the best thing to get the DNA test. It is up to him whether he tells his partner, that is not your problem though. You can save up, no huge rush for the test immediacy is there?

*immediately

Skiving, the consistency of my parenting versus the potential upheaval of split parenting (especially if the Father is inconsistent) is one reason I've held back from doing anything about it.

I hope it's not drip-feeding at this stage to say that Man 2 is not English, so I was concerned over the possibility that my child might be taken, or have to spend portions of time living or staying for longish periods in another country and have to deal with the wider family he might have overseas.

Man 1 works overseas frequently as well and wants to emigrate, so again it makes me feel very uncomfortable.