to dislike my son

[dontdeservekids]

He's only 15 months, but I really dislike him. I hate looking after him and everything he does just pisses me off.

I dread getting up in the morning because I know I have a full day of telling him off, constantly clearing away his destruction and just general battling with him.

I've felt like this for a while, and it's getting to the point where I can't stand him, and in turn I shout.

I know he's curious about lots of things, but they're my things - and no matter how hard I try he wrecks everything in his path. I'm just so sick of telling him 'no'.

He pinched me today, I mean so hard it bought tears to my eyes. I really thought I'd explode with rage. I wish I never had him.

Just read your reply post about citalopram. It can make you feel crummy when you come off it, especially if you don't do it gradually. 15 months is an especially exhausting age and very hard work for mum when you constantly have to chase them around. I think you really do have to make a special effort to take care of yourself when you're in the toddler-wrangling stage. I'm so glad you have a supportive hubby too--he sounds lovely and you shouldn't feel guilty about having a good cry now and again; it can be really therapeutic, I find.

Yes you should definitely get to the gp as you either need to go back on citalopram or change to a different antidepressant. You need to be assertive and demand help until you get it.

Do you have places like SureStart centres where you can just go and let him play?

Do you need to be SAHM?

Were you prescribed citalopram for PND?

Citalopram was pretty hard to come off for me and I was only on it for 9 months. A friend who was on it for years came off a 40mg dose really fast - over a fortnight I think, and seeing her struggle so much made me really spread it out. I took just over a month to cut down from 20mg and it was STILL tough.

I felt really detached and a bit kind of unreal, floaty, unable to think clearly. My emotions were really hard to deal with. I over-reacted a lot. I took passing emotions far too seriously. I even felt like my hearing was affected - felt so distanced from everything. The symptoms went eventually - a good 6 weeks after starting to cut down, and they were a very weird 6 weeks.

I hope your dr can help you understand what is happening and find ways t help you through.

Oh I am so glad hun that your DH is supportive. I just wanted to say I was wishing you well all day today.

Yes, I was prescribed it for PND, but I suffered from mild depression before I had DS so I have been on them before.

I weaned myself off them for a few months, so I thought it would be OK.

I feel a tiny bit better this morning. DS gave me a big cuddle and kiss in bed which was lovely, and we're off out to a singing and dancing group at out local Surestart center with a friend in an hour which I'm looking forward to.

Please go back to your GP and discuss your medication.

Citalopram is a very powerful drug and you really shouldn't take yourself off it without medical help. You need proper advice on how to safely cut down the dosage and wean yourself off gradually if that is what is needed.

You may also have taken yourself off the medication too early because it made you feel better and you convinced yourself you no longer needed it. However, now your symptoms are coming back.

You need help with this. It would be a tragedy if you missed out on happy times with your DS, and your DS misses out on his mum, because you don't get the help you need.

Good luck, I have been there. Believe me, it will pass, but please get the help you need.

Aside from depression issues which other posters have rightly addressed, I am sending much sympathy because small toddlers are a bloody handful!

The age your son is at is the "wrecking ball" age, in my experience, where they are experts at ignoring all the toys and finding the marble you didn't know existed and wanting to chew it, throwing a tantrum when it is removed from their paw, and then somehow breaking your mobile phone... and then trying to drink from your glass of water and tipping it over your favourite book.....

OK some people's toddlers sit quietly with a teddy or on a lap... neither of mine ever did, they were both climbing grabbing bundles of whinge from about 1-2 years.

I think I finally had a penny dropping moment with my first son when he was about 2 and a half and began talking intelligbly and lost some of the super tantrums and became this interesting funny little soul who I could actually enjoy and I wasn't just meeting his needs and removing fragile objects from his path. Then he was out of nappies and doing so much more himself and it got a bit easier again.

This stage is hard - it does get better.

You need new anti-depressants, what you are feeling is not how you really feel, its the come down from the medication and it has sent you crashing on a downward spiral.

The fact you know you have a problem is good, phone your doctor and get an urgent appointment, the pills take time to work.

I was on Citalopram for years, but found that when my medication changed I was back to how I was before any pills at all, I still take them and would rather take them than feel how I did before.

There is help there for you you just gotta ask for it.

Oh gosh you poor thing! Sounds like you need to go back to the GP asap and explain the situation to them - say exactly what you said in your OP.

With regards to wrecking everything - sorry but that's what they do, move EVERYTHING out his way onto high shelves, don't waste your breath or energy telling him no.

Are you getting out every day? The only way I could cope was to give ds breakfast and head for the park every single day regardless of weather, if it rained it was boots and macs on and splash in the puddles!

You mentioned Sure Start - are there SS play groups you can go to as well? I was lucky and had one in our local park that was open every day and we used to go EVERY SINGLE DAY - I swear that place kept me sane! It was nice to meet up with other adults too and broke the day up, plus ds would nap when we got home.

It DOES get easier and I think everyone agrees that this is a particularly tiring age.

Ring your GP first x

I definitely agree with all the posters who say you should go back to your GP.

I am on my own with dd (13 months) and I take fluoxetine (prozac) but sometimes still have down days. And in those instances I have actually thought about leaving her in her bed all day while I lie in mine and cry... I am quite lucky in that my stepdad is retired, so is often in the house for us to go visit, or to take us out in the car for a day out (I don't drive.)

Definitely don't blame yourself or think you're a bad mother... A bad mother would just ignore these feelings and/or take it out on the child, and anyone can see from your OP that that is not what you're doing.
xx

OP - As other posters have urged, please go see your GP urgently. I am sure there are a number of things they can do/ prescribe to help you.

I also second the advice about finding more local groups for you and DS to attend. I assume you are a SAHM, I am too - when my DD was born I found all the local groups I could attend (anything from breastfeeding or new mum groups when DD was younger, to Salvation Army toddler groups and small soft play areas when she was around 12mth). I completely agree with what valiumredhead said - my DH was working 12-13hr days 6-7 days p/w from when DD was born, until she turned 2.5 (he was self employed, but is now employed and working far less hours - phew), so I was literally on my own for the entire time DD was awake. I used to get us both up, showered, breakfasted and dressed and we would go out for the day, EVERY DAY! We could end up anywhere - from local parks and the various toddler groups I mentioned before, to a museum or our local swimming baths - whatever/ wherever took my fancy. I met lots of other mums this way and just being able to talk to another adult was such a relief. I am still friends with a few of the mums now and we will regularly meet up, even though our children are at preschool/ school.

Sending you some very un-mumsnet like hugs and I hope you are feeling better today xx