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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset with my best friend?

23 replies

macdoodle · 10/05/2011 13:24

Ou daughters are the same age in the same class (9 in Yr 4). We live opposite each other and work in the same field.
We have been friends since before the girls were born.
Initially the girls were close friends, but they are very different and have grown apart.

Her DD does a sport very competetively and trains 4-5 times a week, she also socialises with the girls in her sport. So is often not home.

My DD has got very close to 2 girls (twins) in the street. They are a month older in a Yr 5. But very small school.

The 3 girls have been spending a lot of time together. My DD spent a lot of time there in the holidays, had a lot of meals and days out with them. In return I had them for a sleepover at the the end of the holidays.

Best friend seems totally pissed off with me. She has made some quite bitchy comments about her DD being excluded and not part of the crowd. Well she is never home, but should my DD be sat in the house alone waiting for her to be around to spend company with? They are not a "crowd", because they are twins there are 3 of them, but its just a friendship. My DD considers the twins her "best friend". My DD and hers have nothing in common, they have been growing apart for years, they have different friendship groups at school.

I can totally understand it must be hard for her if her Dd is feeling left out, but she as now completely cold shouldered me, made some horrid comments to my DD, and I feel like she is punishing me for our DD's not being friends.

AIBU to be upset, what do I do, if anything?

OP posts:

bigbuttons · 10/05/2011 13:27

This woman is not your friend. No friend behaves like that. Don't do anything. Leave it.
I'm glad your dd has found 2 nice friends

pickyourbrain · 10/05/2011 13:29

YABU to be friends with such a strange person, that is your only crime

I pity the child to be honest, what kind of maturity is she going to have in regard to relationships when her mother is so petty.

At 9 (any age in fact) they should be socialising with as wide a group as possible. That is how they will learn who they are, what they like, what they don't like etc. No one should encourage such territorial and controlling behaviour in children.

starlady · 10/05/2011 13:30

YANBU to be upset ... but why don't you just call her up, say I'm sorry if she's been feeling left out, explain your dd doesn't have such a busy schedule, so these friendships have grown out of been 'around'. Have her dd round for tea, and see how they get on. Life's too short isn't it?

greencaveman · 10/05/2011 13:31

My mum's best friend had a DD at the same time I was born. Just because the mothers are friends, it doesn't mean that the DDs will be. My mum's friend's DD had nothing but contempt for me (I think she was cooler than me but anyway...). It was really difficult because our mothers would frequently get together and the DD would be mean to me.

I think you just need to say to her that your DDs have different friendship groups at school and they just don't gel together. Just because you are friends, it doesn't mean the girls will get on. They have the opportunity to hang around together at school, but they choose not to. They have selected their own friends and that's really all there is to it.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/05/2011 13:31

YANBU - but she is!!! We cant chose our kids friends and if she is not mature enough to realise that then she is a silly silly woman .

My DS had a friend who is heavily into gymnastics - goes about 4 times a week for hours on end.........DS has of course moved on as kids do......

She needs to get over it and stop making bitchy comments....and you need to get a new best friend

AgentZigzag · 10/05/2011 13:32

If the mum was worried about her DD being left out, surely she should have voiced her fears to you in a nice way rather than having a dig at you.

It's hardly going to improve matters for her DD.

I would probably just leave it too, why should you sort out her DDs social life if that's the way she thinks she can talk to you and your DD.

Scholes34 · 10/05/2011 13:34

My DD (aged 13) has a long term friendship which is waning. I've stressed to her the importance of giving the friend the opportunity to join in with her new friends, rather than simply being side-lined. If she decides the new friendship group isn't for her, then it's her decision. I think you should be mindful that your DD's friendship is on the way out, but offer a few invitations which she can join in with if she's around. If it clashes with her training or she chooses not to get involved, it's her decision, rather than any engineering on your part to exclude her (which I'm not suggesting you're doing, but your actions have the potential to be seen that way). It won't hurt your or your daughter to do this and you can have a clear conscience that whatever your ex friend thinks you've done, her comments/thoughts are groundless. Don't stoop to her level.

MCos · 10/05/2011 13:35

Well, I suppose all your friend is seeing is that her DD is not included.

Many moms get weird when they think their DC is being treated unfairly (even if reality is something different or there is resonable explaination).

Is it worth leaving her cool down, and then talk to her about it? Otherwise, that is probably end of that friendship.

FabbyChic · 10/05/2011 13:36

I'd ask her what the fuck her problem was, and tell her to grow the fuck up.

ThePontypinesAreFriendsOfMine · 10/05/2011 13:37

She's being rediculous, but in future, maybe ask your dd if she wants to invite her daughter too. If she's at training, then at least you've tried. I can imagine her dd being upset at being 'left out' maybe, and that is what has got the mother's back up. But it's still rediculous to get snippy and comment to your dd about it.

AgentZigzag · 10/05/2011 13:39

hehe fabby, I like your directness

KaraStarbuckThrace · 10/05/2011 13:40

What Fabby said.
Your friend sounds like a loon!

Original poster

macdoodle · 10/05/2011 13:42

I have made an effort to include her, problem is DD really doesnt seem to want to spend time with her. Also if we go out because the twins are in fact 2 people , and I have a younger DD, I have no space in the car to take her as well. My DD wanted her friends to sleep over and TBh I couldnt face 4 9yr olds.
I am finding it hard, I have tried to discuss it with her, and say that they have their own friends now. I think it is harder because they are all on one street, so it is obvious if the twins are here or vice versa.
When her Dd started spending so much time at her sport and with the girls at the sport, my DD was very much sidelined (plans cancelled etc). I took no notice and DD busied herself making other friends. Surely that is life.
But comments to me, and especially sarcastic ones to DD when she does call for her ("oh so now you want to play with her"), are just making me feel fed up and cross.
And the fact that our friendship seems to have been totally cold shouldered has hurt.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 10/05/2011 13:42

YANBU. My ds1 and ds2 had a friend up the road who they fell in and out with on a regular basis but I stayed friends with his Mum throughout. Pointless falling out over kids' friendships.

Original poster

macdoodle · 10/05/2011 13:43

Fabby so tempting, that is what I would normally do!! Just dont want to make it worse than it already is.

OP posts:

KaraStarbuckThrace · 10/05/2011 13:45

At 9yo your dd should and can make decisions on who she spends time with. And if your friend's dd isn't making time to spend with her, I don't blame her for wanting to find new friends, which clearly she has done!
It is naff all to do with your friend, she cannot dictate who your dd spends time with.
Honestly take no notice of your friend she is being an idiot, does she seriously expect your dd to sit at home twiddling her thumbs on the off chance her dd might have free time to spend with her?

AgentZigzag · 10/05/2011 13:45

"oh so now you want to play with her"

Sound like what a 5 YO would say before they've learned you don't say everything you're thinking out loud.

Original poster

macdoodle · 10/05/2011 13:51

I'll explain what led to that comment.
We all walked back from school, her DD went off to do her sport, my DD and twins were playing out, started pouring, 3 girls came into my house. Had just out some dinner in (fish fingers and chips ), asked twins if they wanted some dinner (as said my DD spend a lot of time there in hols when I was working).
Her DD arrived home as we were all say eating and rung doorbell, my DD answered and said we're just eating, we'll be out in a bit.
After dinner, I told DD to go and get her DD (to try and avoid an escalation), which she did to that comment.
Well her DD wasnt actually home when the twins came in, and I hadn't out enough food in (nor do we have enough chairs), to have invited her in for dinner, and we were half way through already.
I feel like I am trying to force Dd to include her to avoid any comments and think we are both getting sick of it.

OP posts:

Scholes34 · 10/05/2011 13:53

OP, I think you've already made your own mind up about this situation . . ."My DD wanted her friends to sleep over and TBh I couldnt face 4 9yr olds." At 9yrs old, your DD still has some growing up to do when it comes to relationships and you seem to be leading her a little here, then complaining about the fall out.

Original poster

macdoodle · 10/05/2011 13:55

How am I leading her? Other than trying to get her to include best friends DD?
She asked if the twins could sleep over, I said yes. In fact the other child wasn't mentioned at all by me or DD. I did think perhaps we should include her, but I didnt really want another child sleeping over, didnt want to make DD invite her, and didnt know if she would be home or need to get up for a 6am training session.

OP posts:

Scholes34 · 10/05/2011 14:08

. . . and you didn't ask, obviously. Just accept then that both friendships (yours and your DD's) are finished and accept the fall out. Don't moan. These things happen and can be uncomfortable. Just get over it for your DD's sake.

C4ro · 10/05/2011 14:11

I wouldn't care about the pathetic cold-shouldering and mardiness she is treating you to but I would go balistic at her for the nasty spiteful comments to your daughter when she went round to invite her DD out. Your DD is acting more maturely than she is.

Flyonthewindscreen · 10/05/2011 14:34

What would happen if you were straight with your friend and said something along lines of "with your DD being so involved with her sport, my DD has moved on and found other friends, no reason for us to fall out"?. She hasn't behaved well but it would be a shame for you to be on bad terms over this and what happens if your DD's make it up further down the line for ex. when the twins move up to high school?

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