to be so bored being a SAHM

[chicletteeth]

Right, this is not to slate SAHMs. I am one OK (for now anyway). I love my boys and i love spending time with them and taking my eldest to school, middle one to playgroup and then having time with my baby. I like being able to go to assemblies and do all the stuff that isn't necessarily always at a great time for WOHMs (although I appreciate that some will do some/all of these things too). I am not knocking the role of a SAHM! Just to be very clear. I am also not knocking WOHMs, I'm simply talking about my situation and how I feel!

I have always had a job and have had a very successful career thus far but since having children have wanted to work part-time. This has worked well for us and I've been part-time every since DS1 (now 6 was born). I didn't go back after my one year maternity leave after DS3 was born and this is because we are relocating to be reuinted as a family. My DH works away from home all week (he got a job after 9 months out of work but it's not commutable so he lives away) and the fact that he is the higher earner and I don't want to work full time means we are moving house to be near his job and it would not have been commutable back to my old job. I was also happy to leave for other reasons as well which really aren't worth going into. I do plan to go back to work once we've moved and settled our boys in but for now, I am at home all week alone with my 3 DSs. Just me and them. This is fine, it is tiring at times, but we manage ok and I don't find it as stressful as I did when my DH first started to work away back in September.

Anyway, this just gives you the background into my life before I bemoan my lot.

I am bored senseless a lot of the time. I feel deflated and I also feel guilty for feeling this way.

I just don't know what to do with myself! Endless toddler groups, coffee mornings, painting, activities indoors and just general going to soft-play and park is not much fun to do all the time. I obviously do these things some of the time because I like to and I know I should.

There will be some happy fulfilled SAHMs certainly, but I'm not one of them. I just don't know how to fill my day. My house is clean ( it could perhaps be a little cleaner but this is also not what I want to spend my spare time doing), shopping is done, fresh food cooked every night, laundry done and folded etc..

Please somebody tell me what you do to make you happy as a SAHM and how you fill your time keeping mind I've a 17month old, a 3.5 year old and a 6 year old.

Or just tell me to stop moaning and get on with it!

Bored shitless here too. I've been a sahm for 3 years and have a 3yo and 15mo. I find it all very monotonous if I'm honest. I never had a career as such though.........left uni and just kind of fell from one job to the next as I've never managed to work out what it is I want to be doing with my time.

I would love to be able to go out and do some voluntary work, but as I don't have childcare for DD2 it will have to wait a couple of years.

Oh you're definitely not alone. Bored, a bit depressed. I love my DC but bloody hell it's mind-numbing being a stay at home parent. I miss the stimulation. I miss interacting with adults in a non-baby oriented way. I miss having my own income, and the sense of independence that provides. And we're totally skint so I can't afford little luxuries to keep me sane like going out for coffee. If it involves money I can't do it.

Fed up. :(

Learn to ride a horse? "Going to the gym" is a bit meh and I see where you're coming from when you say that you feel it's a "luxury" rather than an achievement - although you could always work towards a triathlon for example.

But if you were to go to the stables, the 3.5 year old could have a lesson themselves and the 17 month old can be strapped in to a buggy/locked in a stable.

I think sports are great - but they're so much more fun when you're working towards something rather than sitting on a rowing machine but never seeing the water.

YANBU. I gave up my lovely career to be a SAHM two years ago.

Two things I'd say. Yes, you have days where you're bored and fed-up but you have them when you work too. Doing the same thing every day, whether it be looking after kids or sitting in an office or mowing lawns, breeds boredom. So dont feel bad about it or think you shouldn't feel like that.

Secondly, treat it like a job. When you get up each day, give yourself a target. Even if it's the weekly shop, or two loads of laundry, or writing a birthday card. Then when you've done it, you feel like you've achieved something.

My husband also worked away while I was a SAHM. Drove me crackers and I've only one son who's easy going! Luckily after about two years I was able to rekindle doing Am Dram so that was a welcome distraction, albeit in the evenings. Mind you, ds was happy to "help" me learn my lines and can probably recite Viola's ring (fnar) speech better than I can recall!

Another year down the line and I now work P/T also. It's a bit of a juggle childcare wise as husband is now on shifts locally but I'd certainly rather juggle than be a SAHM again. Simply wasn't for me.

There's nothing wrong with how you feel- I was ready to go back after ML . Is there a hobby you could develop for this interim time before you can get back to work?

Getting out of house and to as may groups as possible at least means I can talk to other adults and away from the housework and endless tidying. Studying with OU and starting dieting with SW have helped - make me feel I am working towards something, keep me busy and I meet other people. Though SW I am lucky it is very close by and I am out door as soon as DH is back in at 7.00.

Would love to do an evening exercise class or study at local collage but they are further away and all start about 7.00 pm or earlier. Would also love to do some volunteering and eldest DC would love me to help out at school but have no childcare for two younger DC. I am hoping that when DC2 starts school in September I have more options perhaps including a part-time job.

I think the worse thing is currently feeling slightly trapped and the fear that it is always going to be like this while watching friends move back into work or getting on with their careers as well as missing their company. Perhaps once the everyone is settled from the move starting looking at what is out there in new area job wise?

I'm one of those odd childless MNetters. I work full time, have been studying for years, finally where I was aiming to be and now I'm there, I've really gone off it! I keep wailing to the husband that I want to be barefoot and pregnant, home with a baby, baking brownies (yes I'm focused on the fantasy not the reality!), so your post was very interesting for me to read. I know I'd probably be rubbish being home full time and feeling like you do.

I hope you feel better for posting and can find some sources of stimulation that it sounds like you need.

The fact is that a lot of what's involved in looking after small children/a home is boring. Very few people actively enjoy doing the laundry etc, so I am not surprised that you get bored. I am a SAHM and I hate with a passion toddler groups and coffee mornings.

However, I do like being able to take my DC to school etc and I appreciate being able to attend assemblies at school without having to negotiate time off with an employer. It's swings and roundabouts. Some bits are great and other bits are not. It's the same with paid work. If you have a career, there are probably parts of your day that you like and parts you dislike.

I think it must be hard for you because you are away from your DH at the moment. Once you are reunited as a family, I think you will feel better about things. And you can go back to work once you have moved. I think that at the moment you are in a kind of limbo and it's getting you down.

I think you should take this time to do things that you enjoy and not worry about their 'productivity'. And cut down on soft play etc if you really dislike it. Your children will be just as happy playing with you at home. They don't need constant structured activity outside the home in order to be happy and stimulated.

I have to say one of the things I find most frustrating about being a SAHM is having all this time to "kill" so to speak - 12 hours a day, essentially - but none of it I can use to do things I want to be doing. Its all about them.

Stating the obvious of course, that's my "job" so to speak if I choose to stay at home, but some more balance would be nice.

Rather than being "bored" when they both go to school like many people find, I am expecting that will actually address this balance and I can fill those 6 hours a day doing things I want to do, giving me a feeling of being less bored.

So I'm not bored so much as frustrated at the moment as its been 4 years.

For me, work is not the answer - I'd still have no time to do what I want to do, and all "spare" time would be even busier doing other stuff due to the fact that I would be working.

Unless I enjoyed every second of my "work" (doubtful - never used to) then I'd rather hang in there for a couple more years till they are both at school.

So that was all about me but it might be that you are not bored as such but tied up doing things you find boring - okay so that is bored, technically, but its a boredom that can go away in time, rather than simply being unstimulated because you dont work. Or, perhaps work is the answer...

Wow! Lots of empathy and understanding and good advice.
Haven't had time to read them in detail but am very interested to hear what you all have to say so will be back later once the children are in bed to read properly.
Thanks for advice and comments

I'm not sure when you think many of us SAHM have got time for "hobbies" - I have no free time during the day have at least one child awake and needing my attention 6am to 7.30pm. I'm too knackered to do much afterwards than the bare essentials let alone hobbies, most nights I fall asleep in front of the TV before 9pm.

op makes it all sound so easy and blase, i wish i found it that easy to shop, keep a spotless house, et up at 6, take the kids everywhere, i uess havin a car would help.

but i do manae to do stuff for me, like study online, also after i drop dd1 of at nursery i have a meet up once a week with some of the other mums, but it is not about the kids as most of the kids are at nursery/school and youner kids are welcome but the focus is women not kids.

i also do volunteer work, but my dh is here which is what makes that possible, and i learn a lanuae,

why dont you look in to school overnin etc?

also the volunteer oranisation realises people have kids so at events etc factors that in, so people take in turns to babysit

I used a childminder for a couple of hours twice a week and did some local voluntary work (adult literacy mentor), also studied with OU. This time around I'm already doing voluntary work in a school and when newbaby is old enough I'll use a childminder again and go back to it. But also I do unpaid work at church and that will be no problem having a baby around for. I didn't know what else might not mind children around but someone else has suggested something so there is stuff out there.

I study. A lot. Through Open Uni.
I'm not working towards a degree, I just see a course that looks interesting and see if I can afford to do it!
They do a great selection of short courses (lasting a couple of months)which means you can explore one thing in depth - fossils, Shakespeare, the planets ... there might be something in there you might like to know more about.

And I agree with Balsam - I set myself goals for each day. A list is compiled so i know that by the end of the day I have visited the dump, done the shopping, phoned the electrician and made a meal, or whatever. And I tick the things off. It makes me feel like my day was productive - you can see what you've done. When I worked FT, my days weren't necessarily much better! My lists were just different. And I could write a list at work and find the first thing on it was a struggle to do, and not do anything else all day so end up feeling just as unproductive and disillusioned!

I also decide whether to use nap time to do something useful or just take time out for me, to read, or watch a DVD I haven't got round to seeing yet. I try to find a balance over the week, so for a few days I may do things like clean the oven which is a nightmare with dd around, but then I make sure on other days I just use her sleeping time to indulge myself and chill out(MN...!!!). If I know I've done useful things on other days, I don't feel guilty, I feel I've earned it.

I had 3 under the age of 3.5 and thought I would go potty - had been a teacher - so did an OU degree in science & technology and was ready for a career change by the time they were all at school:-)

Amicissima loads of fab ideas there, thanks! No growing for me this year, house is being sold and so I won't be planting out anything with a view to then loading it up and moving it. My kids (the little ones) always seem to pull the baby veggies off anyway so I'm not missing much there

Fiddledee not saying many of you have time for hobbies! Haven't asked that anywhere. Your day is as long as mine too. What can I say, I just don't feel fulfilled; it's not to suggest that those who do find it hard-going are lazy or doing something wrong. As I said, I'm talking about my situation. I see there are many others on here who agree with me too!

Tatty you've hit the nail on the head, work is the answer. I love what I do and spent many years training to do it, so when things settle down a little I will investigate my options be it employment or my own consultancy.

nailak like I've said above, I'm speaking about my situation! I don't find it hard, I seem to have a lot of spare time! What can I say, I'm not going to apologise for that. It doesn't mean I think everybody should be the same as me, I don't. And I'm certainly not blase about it. If you read my first paragraph there are many aspects of being a SAHM I love; this to me doesn't suggest indifference on my part.

ALpinepony my SD has a horse, I may ask her if I can have a go (haven't ridden for about 20 years!)

I am list queen! We've redecorated (quite extensively) our house and got it market-ready to sell. I've organised all during the week while DH away in that in that I dealt withe estate agents, viewings, solicitors, electricians, gas-fitters for remedial work etc... I have also spent time looking around new areas and looking at new houses and will have a little project on my hands when we move into our new place (some interesting wallpaper and paint that needs dealing with). Yes, I will need to learn about the new area so that will take time.

Thinking about all of this now, I think my biggest problem is not having anybody around all week. So any little thing I want to do alone, I would need to get childcare for! It's not doable all the time but is for some of the time so I shall figure out what it is I want to do the most and try to schedule that in. If my husband came home at night, certainly I would be able to do other things since "my evening" would begin earlier and I'd have more time. Still, not long til we move.

Thank you all - this reflection has been useful. I appreciate all of your opinions and advice and I think I just needed to vent and maybe get others opinions. I'm glad I'm not the only one, that's for sure.