to refuse to apologise for coming from a stable home?

[Hardhatonamission]

I never realised what a problem people had with stable homes until the DC's sperm donor kept throwing it into arguments "you will never understand what it's like to have come from a home like mine" and "I'm right about how I do things I understand what DC is going through, how can you possibly understand DC when you never had to go through what I did"

DP has started doing this too with a few remarks about how i will not understand what it's like to come from a broken home. While this is true I am the parent of DC from a broken home. I've encountered this amongst friends and thinking back at school I used to get ribbed for my parents not being divorced .

AIBU to refuse to apologise for this, as, like people from broken homes, it's not exactly something I can help really. Has anyone else found similar?

what the hell is a 'broken home'??

i left my abusive ex and took the kids....out home is certainly NOT broken.....it might have been before though,when we all lived together

well said, tilly.

Never, ever heard of this before. Kids taking the mick because parents are together? Odd.

Well, Ex and I split 4 years ago, but I wouldn't call my home broken or unstable....

Why does a sperm donor have any say in it? Surely they are irrelevant.I thought they assisted with fertility issues not commented on their upbringing.

Tbh, I am not sure what your point is at all.

My point being that my upbringing is brought up in arguments because I "cannot possibly understand what it's like" to be a child who has to spend time between two homes, and I'm sick of it.

say, what???

YANBU to not apologise, however I do slightly understand what they are trying to say.

I have found, when discussing this sort of thing with friends who did not experience their parents divorce, that there are many aspects that they 'don't understand' - for lack of better terminology.

However, there are many things that I have not experienced and so don't fully understand but I can still empathise and offer support to other people going through it - I hope.

he's your ex....disengage...why are you having arguments with him?

keep your distance,minimal contact...then you wont be experiencing this

YANBU. I am from a background where my parents divorced but would neve use it like that.

Maybe his point is relevant? He's not asking you to apologise, just pointing out you can't empathise or understand something you have never experienced.

chocolocolate thanks, thats how i try to see things

tillytulip Sadly I try to be reasonable with a man who cannot be reasonable about DC's upbringing, contact is at a bare minimium as it is.

Still confused -is the sperm donor still someone you have been in a relationship with?

If he was seen purely as a means to have children and not part of a relationship, I do not see why you take any notice of his opinion.

scurryfunge Yes he is, and still a very active part in DC's life which I can't knock him for.

i fail to see how you can have this argument then,if contact is minimum.....can it become third party handovers??

Interestingly I had have the opposite with my husband who once said 'you wouldn't understand since you didn't have a happy childhood' to which I replied 'if your family is the result of a happy childhood? I'll take my unhappy one, thanks'.

I am a child of divorce. All that makes me is a child of divorce, IYSWIM.

But... you don't understand what it's like.

It doesn't mean your ex is automatically right, and it's nothing you should have to apologise for, but if you find that people (including your DP) are saying it to you often enough that it annoys you, maybe there's some aspect of it that you're being unknowingly blind to.

It is always profoundly irritating when people try to dismiss your experiences in a drama queen fashion 'because I've really suffered and you have no idea'. Stuff that. Ignore those comments. Your ex's experience of his parents' break-up is going to be different from your child's experience anyway - times have changed, divorce and separation are far more common and all the people involved are different - even your ex has a new role and is a very different person by now.

In fact it can be quite dangerous for people to assume they know what children are going through because something similar happened to them years ago -t they have to recognise it is NOT the same and they can't expect the same feelings or reactions.

Ah ok....I think I misinterpreted his relationship to you, sorry.

Everyone is influenced by their own parents relationship- feeling loved and secure is the important thing and that doesn't mean parents have to be together.

OP, am I right in thinking that your DP and your Ex take this line as some sort of 'trump card' when they are losing an argument?

edam i completely agree

scurryfunge i like to think that too, and hope that DP and I provide DC with that, but who knows, we all get scarred somehow by our upbringings!

whereyouleftit how did you guess! :o although it's only ever brought up when it comes to them losing an argument/discussion about how to parent, i cant possibly know how to parent DC because i don't understand them i'm mum...nuff said.