To expect more back up from DH?

[cabbageroses]

Loooong history but my 24 yr old son has been living at home for 2 years post uni and it has been very difficult. he is BTW on the verge of moving out- is looking at flats but finding it hard to find one that is affordable/right location.

However, since he has been at home after 4 yrs at uni he has reverted to a Kevin type teenager and it is very stressful- causing huge rows between me and DH as I feel DH tries to keep the peace but in the process is spoiling DS.

yesterday we had a typical incident and I just wanted a perspective on it.

Our house is crammed full- every room is chock a block mainly due to DS bringing 4 yrs worth of his own stuff back here. Every room is untidy/full of boxes upstairs, except the lounge.

yesterday DS draped his washing around the house over rads in hall, kitchen and lounge. ( not on as warm outside.) could not be bothered to put it on line outside.

I asked him to move it as there was no need. he shouted at me, refused to and of course I told DH when he came in.

DH asked him to move it- DS refused and shouted at him too.
so what does DH do? he moves it from the lounge where I am sitting, into the dining room.

This was his "solution".

what message does that give to DS and was I right to feel completely pissed off with a wimpy husband, who will do anything to avoid a row with DS?

I don't know the history between your DH and DS... Like whether or not your DH has failed to back you up in the past whenever DS has been unreasonable. If so then I'd say you need to talk to him about his and the DS' behaviour and discuss how to deal with him in a consistent way so you always support each other when he behaves like an arse. But I do know that if I were you I'd have collected the lot off of the radiators and chucked it outside, where it could either remain in a smelly damp heap or DS could get off his backside and peg it out!

DH has consistently failed to back me up and tried instead to keep the peace by finding a middle way- which actually creates more drama.

We have had numerous conversations over the years where DH says he will behave differently, and where we agree on strategies- and they are never implemented.

I take your point about what you would have done, but TBH my DS response would have been to rant and rage and possibly take clothes out of my wardrobe and throw them outside.

I feel your pain!

I would be booting a 24yr old adult out of my house if they behaved like this and would expect my husband to back me up too.

Your son sounds like a bit of a bully and it also sounds like your husband is a bit scared of him.

Tell your son to find a flat share with one of his mates, or a room in a rented house, and grow up.

The washing would have pushed me over the edge. My stepdaughter did almost exactly the same thing.... baking hot day, and she, too bone idle to walk 20feet to the washing line, draped wet things on polished oak chairs , and even put some in the tumble dryer.

I went ballistic. The tumble dryer actually got thrown in the front garden that day, and we havent had one since. She moved out two weeks after the incident.

Squeaky- he has been told to go and he WANTS to go- he is very unhappy living with 2 parents in their mid 50s. BUT he is looking to rent in London and finding the right flat for the right price near work is hard.

I have asked DH in the past to set deadlines saying he has to move somewhere- even if it's not ideal, and maybe only short term, but DH refuses to do so, saying it is unworkabale- and he is not willing to change the locks or do anything drastic.

I feel I have no control any more in my own house and DH simply cow-tows to DS for fear of crreating a scene.

If he is working, then he needs to look a bit harder. I suspect financially he finds it a lot more cushy being at home and knows this too.

Put his rent up (I assume he pays you something!).. a room in a shared house is approx £500 a month, including basic bills.

If he was really that unhappy, he would be gone.
I lived on pot noodles and toast for two years rather than live at home!
More likely, he is a bit lazy and/or scared to be living out on his own.

If he's working then there's no real reason for him to live at home, you can still get a room in a shared flat in zone 2 london for 400/month.

I understand your DH wants to keep the peace, but then why doesn't he want to facilitate him leaving? Peace all around!

Your house your rules.
Remind your son that he is living with you until he can find his own place and that if he doesn't like doing things the way you want them done that he is free to go.
It is disrespectful behaviour at best!

He pays us nothing............
I am very embarrassed by this as the more I reveal, the worse it looks.

My son has done the maths- he has a masters degree in economics!

he has only had a "proper" job since December, and before that it was contract work. DH suggested that in order to enable him to move out quickly, we should forgo any rent etc, allow him to save and then he can use his savings to subsidise his earnings so he ca n move out sooner. this is the plan. we know how much rent will be, but he has huge fares too at present and a student loan to pay off.

My suggestion was that if he lives here rent free, then he should at least contribute in other ways- help with chores, cut grass, generally be a bit more pleasant.

He does nothing. DH asks him but he wriggles out of it and DH gives up. I have such a short fuse now that any discussion between me and DS ends up like WW3.

Ther e is hope- next week DS has an interview for a job which would double his salary, although the interview process takes weeks.

However, in the meantime I have lost respect for DH and don't know how I can see him in the same light ever.

It does sound like he's taking the piss a bit but I'm afraid I don't really understand why this is more your DH's responsibility than yours: it sounds like you both need to present a united front and be tough with him but it sounds like you are -- I can totally understand your frustration but I don't really see why DH in particular is letting the side down.

:( Son is clearly taking the piss, and your husband is allowing and enabling it, I agree.

You are definately not being unreasonable, and your husband most definately IS.

YADNBU.
Your son is a lazy ingrate and your DH should be supporting you and sticking by you.
The very least he should do is clean up after himself and offer to cook a meal once a week as well as clean toilet or cut grass or wash car etc..
I would also be unhappy if I were you.

I also would have thrown his washing into the garden.

Not helpful, I know.

And I would be changing the locks & not letting him in.

He sounds a bully tbh.

You are not being U at all - you have done what you feel is the right thing by your son, who does not appreciate it. I don't understand why "creating a scene" is such a bad thing - why does your DH have a problem with this? Perhaps you need to discuss with your H why he is afraid of upsetting your ungrateful, lazy son who should be standing on his own two feet anyway?

Perhaps you should have that rant and throw them both out, together with their clothes!

Incidentally, did you agree to have your son back after Uni? I don't understand why grown up C's seem to feel they have the right to boomerang back to the family home after having left, at great cost, for Uni, bumming around for a few years and then refusing to accept grown-up responsibilities.

You have brought him up, and deserve some peace and quiet to get on with your life, and he should appreciate this. He's 24, after all!!

There are hundreds of thousands of people in London making minimum wage and managing to pay the rent. If your son is working at all, he can pay rent. Instead of supporting him at home now, you should help him find a place and tell him that IF he runs into financial problems you will be there for him.

How much has he saved since living with you then?

How much is he budgeting for rent? People tend to really overestimate how much you need to pay in London -- perhaps he can indeed move out sooner?

Instead of constantly arguing with your DH, perhaps you can sit down and calmly reassess things. Say it was a nice idea in theory, but it's clearly not working out, so let's come up with a new plan. Then work together to come up with a plan that will get your son on his own sooner, without totally abandoning him to the wolves or whatever your DH is worried about.

I agree with you all, but have to admit that i am frightened of DS temper. he hit me once on the face when he was 12, after I slapped his legs during a row.

he has never been violent since, but does physically intimidate me by standing t oo close, shouting at me, and blocking my way in doorways if we are arguing and then I decide to leave the room. he folows me when i go to another room, sticks his foot in the door so it won't close etc etc.

The reason that I ask Dh to take the tough line is that a) he is physically bigger, and b) they have a better relationship, so DS is more likely to do as he asks.

Friends who know us well say that DS resents me wearing the trousers in the house (I do) and that he sees DH being "told what to do" by me,- and reacts against me trying to tell him to do anything.

This may well be so, but it doesn't change the situation now.

But your son is an adult & should chip in with what needs doing-there souldn´t really be a need for anyone to be "wearing trousers" & telling anyone what to do.

Why do you tell your husband what to do?

diddl- telling him what to do are not the right words. I think in many families/relationships, one person is the decision maker and the more dominant- in our family it's me.

My son is very immature in some ways. he is extemely clever but also has ADHD and a sleep disorder. Not making excuses as you can see from ym posts how upset I am, but he does struggle more than some people just to get through the day in a practical sense, often on no more than 3 hrs sleep.

Our oldest 3 children all moved back home after university for further study in London etc I was happy with that as I was pleased with what they were doing.

It is not that either of you is wrong, just that you and your husband have different views on how to deal with it. If it's for a short period it could just be tolerable as it is and he's just doing his best to keep the peace - he moved the washing so you didn't have to look at it.
Is there not something you can do with your son to do things around the house? Since having mine here it's like getting a butler/additional servant/free au pair (we have younger children). It doesn't always have to work out badly having an adult child around.

It might also be just what cycle of relationship you and your son have got into. Are you nice and respectful to each other on both sides and does he see you as a happy pleasant person to be around or are you both a bit grumpy around each other? Does he need a bit of advice no how to get a job? Could you work with him on that for a bit rather than just rowing?

I thought you probably didn´t mean it quite like that

But your son can obviously look after himself so he should continue to do so.

Is there room in his room to have an airer to dry his washing on?

No different to putting on a radiator, but not cluttering up "communal" space.

Christ, you have bigger problems than where he hangs his washing with behaviour like that.

Your DH is totally out of order for not setting your DS straight a long time ago with regards to how he treats you.

I'm appalled quite frankly.

You are clearly very upset, but you are making excuses for your son. He's clever enough when it suits! Would it be possible to find somewhere yourself for him - with your husband's help - and gently enable him out? Also, does he really have to be in London? Could he do some voluntary work whilst waiting for better prospects to get himself out from under your feet?