To be disillusioned with my children :(

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

I have 3 children, aged 7, 5 and 3, 2 girls and and a younger boy. At school and nursery, I get reports of them being "lovely" and well-behaved, noone has anything bad to say about them.

At home, however, it is a different matter. They constantly fight, scream, cry, hit, trash each other's toys, trash all my stuff (eg my 5yo drew on the sofa "just because). They whinge constantly, and are always wanting things. Nothing seems to make them happy. I think my main disappointment is that they never seem to be happy, and I don't feel happy either

I think I am reasonably strict, in that there are clear boundaries, and they know what I will not allow, but they take no notice, and often cheerfully disobey me. I don't smack, but I do admit to shouting sometimes. I have made a real effort recently to stop shouting, but if anything their behaviour has gotten worse. I try to pay no attention to their whining and screaming, which is usually over something ridiculously trivial, although to hear them you would think that they had broken limbs apiece, rather than someone wouldn't move from where they wanted to sit etc.

I have tried talking to them, and explaining how sad I feel when they hurt each other and break all my things, but it makes no difference.

I try to take them places and do things with them. Today, for example, I took them to a dog show thing they were keen to go to, with agility dogs, and sheepdog displays. Within minutes they were bored, squabbling and whinging for me to buy them things from stalls- things that have been discarded or lost already. I spend time with them individually at night, reading them stories and chat to them lots. I then took them to play with friends, who they have been badgering me to play with all week. Afterwards I asked them if they had a good time, and they moaned and said no, although they did seem to be having fun at the time.

They know I love them, and take that completely for granted. They seem not to care two hoots if they have upset me, as long as they get what they want. I ask them would they behave this way at school etc and they say no, as they would "get into trouble"! But when they are "in trouble" with me, they don't seem too bothered Why do they not respect me? I find it hard to think of ways to punish them that are meaningful to them. The only thing that has ever upset them is getting their night-time story taken away, but I hate doing that, as I feel it is an important thing for us as a family.

I know people say that "they're just children" and "all children are like that", but I remember being their age, and I would have been really upset if I'd upset my mum, and ashamed. I wouldn't have dreamt of taking her stuff or drawing on furniture at that age. Where am I going wrong? DH says I am not strict enough, but they don't listen to him either! I don't want to be a big bad mum, but I'm not a pushover! I just want to enjoy my children and for them to be happy. Any suggestions welcome, as I feel really quite down about this at the moment.

i too think you sound like a fantastic mum!

children are hard work and they break our hearts with how they can be (unthinking, selfish, ungrateful) but that is kids for you! i have no advice as such but you are not alone! x

i do think that kids today expect a lot from us parents as we give them so much, maybe we spoil them to much and they become a bit too expectant and even brattish and need to give them more responsibility?

op

Please don't fall into the trap of buying them stuff in pound shops to make them happy ask yourself why is it ok for me to spend £2 each on the DC for items they neither need or really want. Would you take a £5 out your purse every time you go out with them and tear it up? No thought not. They need to learn that rewards and treats are just that not everyday entitlements you are Mam not the magic fairy with a endless supply of goodies.

Because I have 5 when they were little I operated a some in some out system for their toys and clothes. Have a good clear out every school term anything broken or too small out. Have a set amount for their clothes for example 10 shirts 4 trousers 2 pairs school shoes ect for the lads schoolwear and write down a inventory as you go along so when you shop you know exactly what you need/ have room for.

Make everything as easy as possible for yourself advanced planning and organization is all you need to run a family home. The loving will come natural to a good Mam like you.

Got to go now BX

That's what I'm thinking, hairfullofsnakes (your name is giving me a very strange mental image! ) I'm kind of kicking myself for "spoiling" them, but it's not as if I've ever given in to whinging, or foot-stamping. On the contrary, I've given them things because I wanted to, because I love to make them happy

Glad to hear my children are not the only whiny moaners. I can't get my head round why kids nowadays should be so dissatisfied while we were really content with so much less! I'm going to teach them peever and some other old fashioned games next weekend! Anyone know where I can get an iron hoop?

beesimo- you are right, I need to knock the pound shop habit on the head! I take my hat off to you managing with 5!! I think part of my problem is with my anxiety of how things are going to work with my new working hours etc- I have been very organised in the past, but my routine is getting "taken away" from me, leaving me feeling vulnerable. I do need a new routine to feel in control again, but everything is a bit guddled at the moment.

Thanks to all. I always feel strangely better after posting here! Off to do the stories now, as they have behaved really nicely since I posted this- typical!!

OP - I don't have anything to add as the others have said it all so much better than I can. But about the routine - if you are anything like me, this will be really playing on your mind, even subconsciously. But I assure you that whilst it might take a couple of weeks, perhaps a month, the routine will come. A new, better routine!

You will figure it all out between you.

Keep up the good work. It will all be ok.

op i am like that i want to give my children so so much but i have to remind myself thjat sometime i do them no favours by giving them too much! do the older ones have chores they have to do? teaching them responsibility and some jobs is good and also how hard you work for them! you sound lovely :)

yep - my hair is full of snakes! well a mad mop of hair but it was also the Medusa image i was going for! ;)

You're doing really well :) One thing you mentioned, they climb up to get items you've told them they can't have? If they do that again, put it in the bin (where they can't retrieve it from - car boot then throw it away at work/take it to the tip if need be). Suspect they would learn that pretty fast, and it would have the added bonus of clearing out some of their excess stuff.

you are really not alone. i'm for ever thinking of ways of how to make things better. i have found the following works for me -

forgeting the naughty step/shouting and instead trying time out in thier bedrooms. calmly counting one two three, then if they havent stopped (arguing, whinging, hitting, damaging things) simply/calmly put them in thier rooms for x amount of time or until they are quiet. it could be 4 a long time and when i take them back out, i quickly outline the problem and then move on/change subject. if they are kicking up a fuss in thier rooms they are making a last min attept to regain control - so i stick with it and b firm. i found toddler taming and beyond toddlerhood to be a great read and there are parenting courses that have helped me too.

one thing i do notice is that if i'm cheery and fun, they tend to be cheery and fun. playfulness and attention is key. also my kids respond to an air of authority and confidence. i try to be firm but fair while expecting them to do as they are told. failure to do as told always results in a count down, then time out. always follow through and aviod making empty threats. even in public. one thing i do try to do is never let them go to bed feeling negative. i like to try and make sure they know how much i love them and value them.

sometimes when arguing mine just need to get out of the house and have a run around in the park. change of environment.

I had a phase of this with my twins and found the solution from two Supernanny ideas. Maybe they might work for you?

1. Ignore the bad, don't comment and just move on calmly. BUT make a big deal out of the positives and praise every little thing you can to create more of a positive vibe
2. Get a jar / cup / container of some sort and fill it with pebbles etc each time they do something good, but remove one when they are bad. This way they see their good behaviour being rewarded, as well as the bad being punished. When it is full they get a big present, but they get nothing in the meantime, not even £1 shop stuff. We have been doing this for about a year and it has had an amazing effect.

I have found the naughty corner - as practised by Supernanny - works unbelievably well for my two. It's hard to understand why but they absolutely hate it. They scream and beg for it to be over (which I ignore, and leave the room if at all possible). They do not dare leave the corner before the time is up or I come down on them like a ton of bricks. Then when the time is up - the same number of minutes as their age - I come over and they are begging for a cuddle.

What went wrong when you tried it?

I could easily have written this some years ago ( time flies!). In particular I always used to be disappointed that they didn't seem to care if I was cross with them or care if I was upset at all, really. I had actually forgotten about this until I read your post!

All I can say is that you seem to be doing everything right ( well like me, I suppose so maybe not an unbiased judgement ). Anyway, fast forward to now and my Dc are all teenagers and they are now obviously concerned about me, about how I feel and do respect me ( well, most of the time anyway!).

If you'd told me that back then I frankly wouldn't have believed you. So in essence I am saying do not despair you will get there in the end!

Thanks all! Ironically they were lovely after I wrote that post, and we had fun while they were in the bath, but I'm sure tomorrow will bring fresh whinging..! I wish they could see that when they are fun, I am fun with them! I really hope they finally get that, as I love to be carrying on with them and hearing them scream with laughter.

As far as the naughty step goes, they just didn't really seem to care- remember dd2 screaming at me- "and I'm GOING to the naughty step, OK??!" at the end of one tirade, before stomping off to it! I do send them to separate rooms, but they have so much stuff there too, it hardly seems a punishment- they often don't want to come back out Sometimes it works, and at least they can't fight, so I do do it.

I think many of you are right about taking some of their "stuff" away, full stop. I think I have unwittingly spoiled them- it's too easy to do, isn't it?

They do have chores- I make them tidy and they often help me clean, even if they moan. I think it's important that they know if they make a mess they should clean it up, but it just feels like constant nagging at times. Still, I guess noone said this would be easy.

claretandcheese- thank you for that! It gives me hope that all this nagging and angst will pay off