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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not take back toys

43 replies

workinggally · 08/05/2011 10:32

Ds is 6mth. A few times when we've been out at baby groups he's had the toy he's been playing with snatched by other children. When this has happened I've tended to just find him something else to play with.

But at one group recently toys were handed out, ds was playing then a toddler of about 18mths came from the other end of the mat, took ds's toy, went back to the other end of the mat, discarded the toy and toddled off. Obviously a power thing.

There wasn't anything else for ds to play with nearby (was just 1 toy per child). It would have I thought seemed a bit ott to go to the other end of the mat to retrieve the toy. The other child's mother did nothing.

Not sure what I should do if it happens again. ds doesn't seem that bothered (just a bit surprised) but it's a bit sad for him to be left with nothing to play with.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 08/05/2011 12:59

Don't they just go straight in the mouth at 6 months anyway?

I'd swap said toy with a sausage roll

Journey · 08/05/2011 13:00

A 18 month old taking a toy is a power thing is it? I think the op has lost the plot.

What on earth were you doing when the 18 month took the toy from your precious baby? Why couldn't you get off your backside and retrieve the toy?

What a pathetic thing to post.

KatieMiddleton · 08/05/2011 13:05

Yabu. I suspect you will feel a little silly in about 12 months time.

crystalglasses · 08/05/2011 13:11

Find a playgroup or a group of friends whose children are the same age. i found mixing 18 years olds and babies of less than a year was generally a no-no as many parents of older toddlers just don't seem to 'see' that their darlings are bullying the younger ones (I know that bullying is a bit strong but ykwim)

WincyEtNightie · 08/05/2011 13:12

Play nice ladies .

When you have your first baby (he is your first isn't he OP? ) then the difference between 6 & 18 months seems huge.

Some wise words here already OP. Have a back up toy from home (explain loudly to any child that it is "DS's special toy" if they try to take it). Retrieve any discarded toys without feeling that it's making any special point.

How hard you hold on to toys that another child is trying to take is partly a matter of judgement as to how much your DS will dislike losing it vs how reasonable the taker's parent looks.

Bearcrumble · 08/05/2011 13:32

Children don't get concepts of 'yours', 'mine' and 'sharing' until they're at least three.

The 18 month old wouldn't have thought much more than "nice toy" grabbed it and then had his/her attention diverted to something else and so dropped it. Honestly it was not a 'power thing'.

I understand how it feels, I had similar experiences when DS was still tiny and I was in super-protective mode but it's a good idea to maybe read a good book on how their thinking develops so you aren't assuming there's intentionality where there isn't and you can treat your baby and others in a way that's developmentally appropriate.

SuchProspects · 08/05/2011 13:39

I think they get the idea of "mine" long before 3. It's "yours" and "sharing" that take work.

Original poster

workinggally · 08/05/2011 15:15

There is quite a bit of bigger toddlers grabbing toys that the smaller ones are playing with wandering off a bit then discarding them. Like I said I wasn't stopping the bigger child or chasing after the toy once it'd been discarded (would be obvious if all parents sitting down). Tbh I wasn't doing anything about it but wasn't sure whether I should be standing up for my ds more iyswim.

OP posts:

Original poster

workinggally · 08/05/2011 15:18

BTW it's not a playgroup as such rather a baby singing class with toys given out at coffee break time. I don't tend to go to play groups as ds is a bit small and has lots of toys at home.

OP posts:

florencedougal · 08/05/2011 15:21

6 months old and you are telling him he must share

you are too scared to walk a couple of paces to fetch a toy

jeez i have heard it all now

Original poster

workinggally · 08/05/2011 15:26

Not scared. Just not sure what people do in such circumstances. Babies do snatch toys from each other. Some people stop it from happening to their little darlings - others don't. After this thread I guess I'll have to start.

OP posts:

SuchProspects · 08/05/2011 15:56

Working I don't think you need to "stand up for him". At 6 months he may be just as happy watching all the other kids. If it's distressing him do whatever is easiest for you that will settle him down. Really at that age baby groups benefit you more than your DC. Don't get stressed, just enjoy having a bit of time with other adults.

working9while5 · 08/05/2011 15:57

Jesus there are some bitches on here! The OP is just a bit new at being a mum. In what other area of your life would you be expected to know the ins and outs of the entire field within 6 months?

OP, I second whoever said it would be a good idea to read up a bit on child development as this is something new for you. I don't know if when you were pregnant you those daily emails about where your child was at, but something like that (either online or in book form) might give you an idea of expectations. At 6 months old, your baby won't have registered the "snatching" as very much more than a sudden movement in their vicinity and they would be as happy playing with your keys from your bag or an old hairbrush as any of the groups toys.

In terms of saying you don't go to playgroups as you have toys at home, well at this age playgroups aren't really about the toys. A lot of Children's Centres have groups for the under 1's and they're a chance to meet other parents (well, usually mothers) in the same situation and chat/offload/work out what's what together vs for the kids per se. Kind of like an NCT group for after the event. They also give you the opportunity to see what's in store with older kids, I think e.g you can see what a one year old is like and learn what you can and can't do around other mums e.g. it's perfectly normal in playgroups to break off a conversation midsentence to shriek at advise your toddler to "get down off that this instant" or tear across a room to avert an orgy of violence flouting of social convention.

When your baby is 18 months, you will still think that children who are 12 months older are absolutely mahoosive in comparison.. and the what-to-do's will become more tricky as your child will be the one snatching/pushing/hitting/biting from time to time and you will have to model what to do etc. And sometimes will be in scrapes with much older kids too - I have an 18 month old ds who had to valiantly try to fight off a 3 year old who was trying to sit on top of him in a car ride the other day while I hovered waiting for the right moment to say to the older child in a very, very nice way: "Don't sit on him. It's not a good idea to sit on babies. He's having a turn now, you can have a turn later."

It's a learning curve like any other.

working9while5 · 08/05/2011 15:58

group's toys
Other typos
sorry

GiddyKips · 08/05/2011 16:14

I would have put in a formal complaint to the groups management after strongly reprimanding the child and mother concerned

florencedougal · 08/05/2011 16:19

and going to the police about if for definite

AmazingBouncingFerret · 08/05/2011 16:24

OP the other mother was probably smiling because in her eyes it looked like you didnt mind her little one taking the toy. Because like others have said your baby would of been in your lap so you were perfectly able to stop the older child from taking the toy. I'm sure if you did the loud parenting type voice with the 18 month old "no little X is playing with this toy at the minute" while holding tightly then the other mum would of come over and stopped her child.

Also it would definitely not of been weird to get up and retrieve the toy.

SmethwickBelle · 08/05/2011 16:48

I am the owner of a power crazed snatchy hitty 18 month old. , I can understand why you were cross.

If my son grabbed from a smaller baby I'd certainly step in - I tend to hover a bit and intercept snatches because he has a tendency to be quite rough.

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