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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really pissed off at this?

19 replies

ItsCHEEKYTime · 07/05/2011 22:49

My mum informed me today that my sister had been told that my step brother (stepmums son) and his wife have had their son born in august christened.

Me or my sister didn't know about this. It was only when someone has posted something on SSIL facebook page about the christening and my sister saw it. She messaged my dad to ask and he said 'yeah it was just a small family affair'

AM i been unreasonable to be pissed off that we didnt get an invitation and AIBU to not invite them to my two sons joint christening this year?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 07/05/2011 22:58

Him saying it was just a small family affair insinuates you're not part of their family, which isn't very nice.

Could they have not invited you because of the numbers and didn't want to say beforehand because they knew you'd be hurt?

Not that it doesn't now of course.

I would still invite them to your DSs christening if you were going to anyway.

I can understand why you want them to know how it feels, but I don't think it'd make you feel any better tbh.

whethergirl · 07/05/2011 22:59

Really hard to say without knowing what your relationships are like, how often you see them etc. but I wouldn't take it personally or getting carried away without knowing the details - eg. they may have really only had a few people there. Have you been involved with the baby at all?

My sister recently had a small wedding and was limited by the amount of guests due to finance and because she didn't want to be overwhelmed by so many people. So some people didn't get an invite - it wasn't meant to be a statement or reflection on how she felt about these people, just that she wanted a small do and could only invite a small number of people.

Original poster

ItsCHEEKYTime · 07/05/2011 23:13

My step brother and step sister in law live in newcastle, they et at newcastle university - we are in west yorkshire. so 2 hours away, me and sister both drive too so not an issue for transport as both have cars.

We havent seen baby because havnt had an invite, i asked my dad to ask them if it would be ok for me to go up with them when they visit but they always have an excuse. They didnt come to sisters babys christening last august becuase SSIL was heavily pregnant which is reasonable.

But to not even be told about it, id be ok if it was due to numbers but to be not even told about it hurts. My dad likes to keep us in the loop but SM is the domineering one in their relationship, what she says goes, my dad follows. :(

I want to invite them - they would probably be too busy anyway But then again they havent been down here since baby was born because he was "too young to travel and he's breastfeeding" - so?? you can stop to feed and in the car he will sleep, its not too far to come.

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsCHEEKYTime · 07/05/2011 23:14

Last time we saw them was around May/June 2010 when they came down to see his mum (stepmum) and my dad.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 07/05/2011 23:17

why ask your dad to ask them? could you not call yourself?

tbh if my partner's mum re-married I am not sure I would consider her new family close enough to invite to a christening, especially if I hadn't seen them for a year and they only spoke to me via another family member.

i think you're over-reacting, and to not invite them to your sons' christening if you were planning to invite them before is fairly petty no?

Original poster

ItsCHEEKYTime · 07/05/2011 23:20

They used to be close when i was pregnant with DS1 and 2 but since having a baby themselves they have become distant, not interested at all. such a shame because i liked it when they came down or we went up with dad (when younger) i say younger id say 7-8years ago.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 07/05/2011 23:23

Why haven't you phoned them?

AgentZigzag · 07/05/2011 23:27

Try not to think too badly of your dad, it might not be a case of 'anything for a quiet life' but more him trying to negotiate a difficult situation and having to obviously live with your SM.

Definately invite them if you don't think they'll turn up, I don't mean this in a patronising way, but you'll be the better person for it.

It's a shame they don't want to share their DC with you though.

emsyj · 07/05/2011 23:31

If you haven't been to see the baby since he was born in August 2010 then I'm not really surprised you weren't invited to the christening tbh. You say you haven't been invited to see him, but do you need to be?

DH has an aunt (MIL's sister) and uncle who have not bothered their arses to come and meet our DD. They live about the same distance away as you do from your stepSIL. I do not look favourably on them as a result. IMO the onus is on you to show an interest and go to meet the baby.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 07/05/2011 23:37

When we had a thanksgiving service, we only invited people who had met DD at least twice. Many family didn't meet that criteria, so they weren't invited. We have a lot of friends, who we consider as or more important as family, so had to cut off somewhere.

I don't see why you're upset really why do you think you'd be invited if you hadn't even met the child?

Pancakeflipper · 07/05/2011 23:40

Please find out the ins and outs.

I got my children Christened last Summer. From our families I only invited grandparents. It was held in the Sunday morning service and full of friends from church and the God-parents.

I didn't invite other family members because
They all live at least 50 miles away
They don't do God
We weren't having a party/meal after - only cake and a drink after the service. But I'd have felt obliged to feed family who had been kind enough to travel to the service.
I am not close to family members.
I didn't want a fuss. I just wanted my kids Christened.

My sister still is annoyed about it. I am a sad about that but I did what I wanted and what felt right and it was brilliant.

FlamingFannyDrawers · 07/05/2011 23:45

I agree. Its hard to say without knowing the family dynamics. If my sisters husbands uncles grannies flower arrangers dogs cousin twice removed had been christened i wouldn't be bothered but if it was immediate family that i was in contact with most days then i would be ever so slightly annoyed.

Original poster

ItsCHEEKYTime · 08/05/2011 16:19

I havent been to see them because i havent been invited, when my dad has been invited and told us their going up Newcastle i ask if i can go - as they come back same day and SM always says 'Errm no' I rang Stepbrother when their DS was born and it was like he couldnt get off the phone quick enough.

They havent been down here, they used to come every 3 months but now they havent, their DS is breastfeeding and because of this he is 'Too Young To Travel' He is now 9 months old. All we have seen are pictures.

OP posts:

flyingspaghettimonster · 08/05/2011 16:53

I wasn't invited to my step-brother's wedding and they never bothered coming to mine or even responding to the invite. Sometimes step families just aren't close and no point getting worked up about it. Save your money you might have spent on baby gifts if they clearly don't care if you are involved.

gillybean2 · 08/05/2011 17:03

I think you have to start accepting that they don't regard you as family and don't want to see you.
I had similar with my sister. Got very upset when she changed her mind about ds and me coming to the zoo for her ds2's birthday saying she wanted it to 'just be family'.
Since I let it go and stopped making any effort to see them (it was always one sided anyhow) things dwindled to nothing.
It was such a relief to say well sod her then. I have had this huge weight lifted since I made this decision and I am much happier for it.
We dont' talk at all now.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2011 17:53

OP, I would invite my dad and SM, but not the step siblings. It is clear that they don't regard you as family. I can see their pov if your dad and their mum got married when you were all adults or nearly adults.

You have tried, and that's good, but there's no point flogging a dead horse.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 08/05/2011 18:03

As your efforts to maintain this relationship have been so one-sided, I would suggest you let it go and let nature take its course.

I don't consider that you're under any obligation to invite them to your dss' joint christening; SM may get involved and insist but, should this occur, you're best advised to stand your ground because it sounds as if their attendance would not be a precursor to regular contact, and there's no point in inviting family members to such an intimate event simply for the sake of form.

thisisyesterday · 08/05/2011 21:35

but when your dad and step-mum are going up they may not want you there.

and if your step-mum is the one saying no, then that implies that you are not actually asking the couple direct?
why haven't you phoned them? why is everything done via your father and his wife??
maybe on the occasion you called he really did need to get off the phone quickly for some reason, but was too polite to say so? so you got the feeling he wanted to get away, but not the reason why?

i think you're taking it very personally when you haven't actually really made any effort to go and visit them or speak to them bar asking your step-mum if you can go when she does

DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 08/05/2011 21:47

i asked my dad to ask them if it would be ok for me to go up with them when they visit but they always have an excuse.

To me, this sentence shows that you avoid calling yourself, which implies that you are not very close, whatever the reasons (taking into account how your SBIL was when you last spoke to him)

When did your dad marry their mum? Were you all children who then grew up together or was it when you were teenagers/adults? I can see why they would not necessarily see you as 'family' because if my mum now married someone who already had children, I don't think we would automatically become family as we all have our own lives, though obviously they would overlap in places.

Sounds like your dad made a throwaway comment. If you are considering not inviting them to the christening because of this, you are already cutting them out and it seems like this would not be overly upsetting for either side. Don't refuse them an invitation out of spite, but if you are not too bothered about them being there, don't invite them. I would stop making an effort and let it go.

YABU to be really pissed off. A small family affair to me would mean my parents, siblings and their children, probably not anyone I wasn't actually related to. I can see why you are hurt but that is just the way they see things, nothing you can do.

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