To be upset ds2 referred to as 1st grandchild. Dd1 passed away 2 yrs ago

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i am getting upset that my parents refer to ds2 as their first grandchild. My dd1 passed away a day after she was born 2 years ago. That does not mean she never existed..... I know my parents don't mean to be insensitive as ds2 is the first grandchild to come to their home. Still, it hurts. How should i tackle this without breaking down?

Wow that's insensitive of them. I can't believe they don't feel that your ds is their second grandchild.

I'm really sorry for your loss, and your pain is evidently ongoing (and will be probably for a long time) but look - I don't think they mean anything bad by it. Did they ever know DD1? Of course it doesn't mean she didn't exist - have you had bereavement counselling?

From their perspective I suppose they might think referring to your DD as 1st grandchild would entail explaining your loss every time and thereby frequently upsetting you. In fact they seem to be upsetting you more. If you feel you can't speak to them could your DP, or could you write to them?

That's very sad but they may feel that they are trying to be sensitive. I might just say, "only GC, not first GC", quietly when they next say it and see if they catch on.

VERY sorry for your loss. I hope you're reveling in your new addition.

Sweetheart - I'm very sorry about your DD :( and that you are upset over this x

A lot of parents who have lost a child struggle to answer the question 'how many children do you have?' sometimes they include the child they have lost and sometimes they don't. When they don't it's not because they don't love or miss that child, it's simply because they don't want to have to share their pain and loss with a stranger. I imagine your parents are much the same.

This is their first grandchild that they can share & talk about to others - it doesn't mean they don't think about your little DD or that she doesn't 'count' - she just counts 'privately'.

If you can't live with thinking of it like that (which you don't have to!) then you will need to talk to them about how it makes you feel. They are probably confused about what to say, how to refer to DS and to DD. Maybe you could come to some compromise where they refer to him as their first grandson?

Don't worry about 'breaking down' - it's your Mum & Dad x

(PS: Unless you have another son, this one is DS1 around here - first son x)

YANBU.

How fucking dare they?

I would pull them up on it every single time they said it. I really would but i'm a cunt like that

I totally understand what you mean about it feeling like they never existed - i caused ructions last yea when i was the only one in my family to rember that it was my DS1's birthday. Pretty hard day to forget since his twin brother was born the same day...

I think in cases like this you have every right to be selfish and forceful, iyswim? Your child was born, lived. They need to acknowledge that.

How old is your ds? Is he at an age where if they started calling him their 2nd gc he would ask questions which they may fibd difficult to answer?
Im not saying its right, but it will be different for them than it s for you

Actually, I would do as Mrs TerryPratchett suggests, but I would say, 1st GS instead of only GC, since, to me at any rate, only would still imply that DD has never existed.

for you.

YANBU.

My older brother died when he was a baby, long before I was born. He would now be 43. He is however still always counted as one of my mum's children, and I always say that I am one of four even though only three of us are still here.

Thanks everyone. I was sitting in my bedroom when i heard mum introduce ds2 to the satellite tv guy as her first gc. You are right it is not always appropriate to explain to every man and his dog about dd but they have said it a few times now. When dd passed away, mum said she would always be her first gc.

I am sorry for your loss.

YANBU.

They are being insensitive and hurtful. Just keep gently correcting them until the message gets through

"I always say that I am one of four even though only three of us are still here."

An awkward one. Our Mum had 5 children in total, my three sisters and I from her second marriage (she was married at 18 and widowed in 1939 age 19, and brought up her son, our half-brother, alone before getting married a second time).

Unfortunately, her first son died 2 years before her. So I am one of 4 surviving children but one of 5 in total. If answering someone I would most likely say I am one of 4, because (as youngest by 10 years) that number is likely to go down, unless I predecease all three of my sisters... unlikely but not impossible....

Im 10 years down the line to you and only now do I "let it go" or not flinch when I hear my mum say how many grandkids she has and not count my dd-I still notice it tho of course but it hurts less.

Sorry for your loss but i understand their view of this,

i have tried to put it in words why but im just not getting it right so im going to put it as best i can... Although you had dd1 and sadly she died, they now see your son as first grandchild because they never really got to know dd1 and therefore although they probably do think about her they just are closer or think of your son as first grandchild.

sorry if thats seems insensitive :-(

it is hard.
I had a sister that was stillborn.
We still consider ourselves a family with 10 children, but then you have to explain that my sister passed away.

I have heard mum say she has 9 before. I guess it is easier for her not to have to divulge teh story and bring back memories.
She isn't denying my sister, it was her birthday last month and would have been 14, but she issaving herself the awkward conversations.

It would be better perhaps, OP, if your Mum just introduced him as 'her grandson' and not identify first second or whatever (assuming she has more if you have more, or siblings have more).

Sorry for your loss, clearly so much closer to home for you and perhaps unconscious mistake by your Mum, but unless you make a point of telling her how you feel, she will continue to make same statement and you will feel hurt each time you hear her...

I can see why she would say this to a stranger, but do pick her up on it if she does it in front of just close family - say first grand son, and leave it at that. They will get the message - but be prepared, even your nearest and dearest may see DS as a replacement child and think you are, or should be over the loss of your DD now, which you will never be - you will cope and have good days and bad days, but she will always be your firstborn, just as I will always consider myself to have had 4 children even though the world sees only 3 (DD stillborn)

people really really dont mean to be hurtful though - they are insensitive, tactless, unsure of what to say, wanting to protect you, not wanting to embarrass you by making you cry etc

Again, thank you all. I really wanted different viewpoints to help me deal with my parents - nobody has offended me :) ds is only 8 weeks old.

Sorry deemented, imum, mamzon, jemima, network for your losees.

I know how you feel deemented- dd's second birthday went unacknowledged by most of the people i hoped would remember. I wish i had your guts to make a noise about it.

Without fail, i always mention dd whenever anyone asks if ds is my first. I am past caring whether i cry or whether the other person feels awkward.

I'd go with what MrsTerryPratchett suggested, it's pointed but gentle enough not to make them feel dreadful.

So sorry, OP, I don't think your parents meant to be insensitive; they're just never going to feel the loss as keenly as you will.

When dd passed away, mum said she would always be her first gc

...that sums up your response to be honest.

She said that, you remember her saying that and now you feel like she's forgotten and DD doesn't count anymore :(

She's clearly bursting with joy over DS if she's feeling the need to tell the satelite man he's her first Grandson :) She probably feels the loss of your DD almost as much as you do, but hides it so as not to upset you.

I'm sorry DD's 2nd birthday went unacknowledged by most of the people you expected would remember it and think of you. I think sometimes people just don't know what to do or say for the best so do or say nothing - thinking it's probably for the best... but it just leaves you feeling forgotten and lonely in your grief x

Please talk to your Mum, she sounds lovely and not at all like she's trying to hurt you - don't let it build up and come between you.

But why not just call him their grandson? Or their grandchild?
I don't think I ever heard my parents refer to DD as their eldest grandchild.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, OP.
Maybe just a quiet word with your parents not to use the word first at all, just grandchild. Or if people ask how many, say first grandson, and not use the word grandchild if saying first or second. Tell them that when they use the wrong words it hurts their daughter (you) a lot even if the conversation is just small talk. Then leave them to deal with that info however they will. I think in time they will start being careful in what they say.
Maybe you can do something special every year on your DD's birthday to remember her - and tell people it's taking place - then others will accept it and remember it. In my extended family people forget the birthdays of living relatives all the time, I don't think forgetting her birthday means they forgot about her, just that they didn't remember when it was. Fathers and the men especially don't remember birthdays very well.

YANBU