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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like a sh!t parent

48 replies

kiwibella · 07/05/2011 13:29

this probably should go under "parenting" but I'm feeling irrational so need to hear some points of view.

Dd(15) met a boy online months ago. We always felt uncomfortable about the communication and reminded her that he might not be a 17yo but a dirty trucker instead. She organised a meet-up in London while she was staying with my sister. To be fair she was (somewhat) sensible - took a friend with her and met in a very public place. While staying in London she mucked my sister about a fair bit by not being where she said she was going and not coming home when she said she was... and it was only a couple of nights afterwards that she told me about it and then (probably) that he was coming to our home the next day. He has been up twice now.

Today I was meant to be out, dh was off to play cricket so dd had been arranged to babysit. At lunchtime there was a knock on the door... and the boy was stood there. Dd hadn't told us he was coming. I asked if dd knew he was coming (yes) and, later, whether he knew she was meant to be babysitting her sister (no). My immediate reaction was to send him back on the three hour journey home... but I didn't.

Dd is also meant to be going to a party tonight with her friends. I know the family are away but dd hasn't told us this. I also know that alcohol has been organised. Until now, I was going to trust dd with this sleepover - she has been to other parties and, so far, has been sensible with drink. I have resisted the urge all week to call the other mothers and drop them all in it.

I am expecting now to find out the dd's bf is also going to party / sleepover and will be about tomorrow. I know the invitation was extended to him.

I'm not sure what I am worried about - dd not telling us what is happening in her life? Dd being dishonest? Dd having a bf? Dd met the boy online??????? I'm wound up and concerned that discussing any of this with now with dd will result in me being very unreasonable.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 07/05/2011 14:09

I doubt very much he will be carryin ID, what you have to consider is how this boy gets home if you collect him.

You will have to have him staying in your home.

If she was not with this boy tonight whom you have actually met, she could be with anyone else tonight and not him and still have sex, and get drunk.

I wouldn't ask the kid for ID that is taking it too far. 17 year old boys do not pretend to be somebody they are not, however if it was my son who just turned 18, I'd be wanting to know where he is and with whom and I am sure his parents will want to know this too.

Talk to him ask him how his parents feel about him seeing someone who lives 3 hours away, ask him if they know where he is and if they want you to ring them to let them know he is okay.

FabbyChic · 07/05/2011 14:11

On a safety issue front i.e what happens if something happens to him whilst he is visting your daughter, it would be prudent for you to have contact details of his parents.

worraliberty · 07/05/2011 14:13

Actually ask him if his parents know he's seeing a 15yr old.

I wouldn't be happy about that if my son was 17.

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 07/05/2011 14:13

Sorry but I would not let her go. Alcohol + new boyfriend + party + no adults= trouble.

No way. She lied....she hasn't shown enough maturity to be trusted.

FabbyChic · 07/05/2011 14:22

Teenagers do not tell their parents everything, their comes a time in their lives where they have to make decisions on their own.

I have no idea when my son started masturbating, should he have told me? Should he have told me the names of everybody who ever went anywhere with him? I trust him, I trust him to make the right decisions on the morals I have instilled in him.

You have to trust your daughter too. You were going to let her go before he turned up, I assume there are boys there, she could have got up to anything with any one of them.

Children do not tell us when they first kissed, they do not tell us when they are about to embark on becoming sexual, it is our place as parents to instill in them morals, and a sense of what is right and wrong, if we have done that then we can trust them to do the right thing in any situation.

snorkie · 07/05/2011 14:23

"Actually ask him if his parents know he's seeing a 15yr old" this also ensures that he does indeed know your dd is 15.

Original poster

kiwibella · 07/05/2011 14:23

forehead, I am most concerned about meeting online. Though, I suspect that I would be equally paranoid if it was a local boy. Even though she has the loveliest friends who are boys.

His parents know - they deliberated making it an "official" relationship for a while because my dd was concerned about the age difference. I haven't made contact with his parents... but that's a bloody good idea! Especially the safety aspect, as you say Fabbychic.

Contraception - yes, we've talked about it. She knows more than me.

The more I think about it, it is the lying / deceit that is irresponsible and I think there is a huge issue of maturity like many of you have pointed out.

Gentleness - I know!! Me too!! I busted them once before and the other mum and I confronted them. I can't believe they would try it again. I will be making it clear to my dd that I know what is happening tonight. I am resisting the urge to call the other mothers already.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 07/05/2011 14:25

Good point snorkie she may have lied about her age.

Original poster

kiwibella · 07/05/2011 14:27

Fabbychic, your comments make sense. I do trust my daughter however I do expect her to tell me where she is going and who with. Not necessarily all the detail in between although it is lovely when she does.

The two events today are separate. She should have told us that she had her bf driving three hours to spend the afternoon with her when she should have been babysitting. She will be telling us the finer details about the party tonight (ie no parents) before she goes as well. Not being honest about either of these things was intended deceit... and not just being a forgetful 15yo.

OP posts:

Original poster

kiwibella · 07/05/2011 14:28

worraliberty - I am confident that, in this case, they know each other's ages. Whether his parents are clear about this, I am not so sure. But I will be!

OP posts:

Gentleness · 07/05/2011 14:29

Don't resist - call them!

She's not proving very trustworthy right now and needs protection even more as a result.

FabbyChic · 07/05/2011 14:30

I think it would be good to have his parents contact details. It may also give you peace of mind.

Tell her you don't mind him visiting but she should tell you first as a matter of courtesy.

Original poster

kiwibella · 07/05/2011 14:37

that's it, Fabbychic... we don't mind him visisting. He seems like a nice boy and they obviously adore each other. Dd always lets us know her plans with any of her school friends. It is courteous. Today would have been inappropriate because dd's responsibility should have been her sister!

Gentleness... You are right. They all need protecting really... they are lovely girls. I'll find out definitely from dd before I start calling.

OP posts:

helenthemadex · 07/05/2011 14:38

firstly you are not a shit parent at all just a concerned one

he is obviously not a dirty older man pretending to be younger and to be honest the fact that she met him online wouldnt bother me particularly

The party would be a bit of a worry but at some point we have to trust them and hope that they remember the values they have been bought up with.

I think you knew she was going to this party and that drink was involved and her bf had been invited, so its safe to assume that other boys were going to be present, its uncomfortable being confronted with the reality that he is almost certain to be there and the thought of your daughter potentially having sex with him, and its not unreasonable to be feel that way

I agee with having a chat with her about safe sex and the dangers of drinking to much, make her aware you know that there will be alcohol at the party and that you are trusing her to be sensible, I may be tempted to say that she should not hide things from this like you because it makes you feel less able to trust her when you find the truth

good luck

Original poster

kiwibella · 07/05/2011 14:39

can I just add thanks... all the of different responses were just what I needed to hear to help me this afternoon!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 14:40

I agree with Fabby on this.

Meeting someone online is far more common now than it used to be, and is not necessarily any more dangerous than meeting a boy who you dont know in the local park. If anything, you can see his facebook page, and get a rough idea of the type of teenager that he is on there, as most kids will display their lives in a photo diary on their pages! If you see lots of photos of him with a can of stella and a spliff, then you know he is likely to be unsuitable boyfriend material. The posts from their mates also reveal quite a lot about the type of person he is. So in effect, a lot easier to find out about that person than if she had met some random boy locally.

At 15, you do have to let them free a bit and allow them to occasionally make mistakes.

Original poster

kiwibella · 07/05/2011 14:42

helen - thank you! I was prepared to trust her going to the party tonight. It took me a lot to come to this decision because my first instinct was to pull the plug altogether. She has shown that she can be sensible at other parties where alcohol has been offered and, knowing her group of friends, I wanted to trust they would be ok.

I guess I was thrown by the arrival of her visitor and it threw all sorts of doubts in to the mix.

She just needs to be honest. We are here to protect her and not to shelter her.

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 07/05/2011 15:07

As this particular boyfriend has come out of the blue I would be asking him some pertinent questions and verifying the answers - you'd certainly be a shit parent if your 15 year old daughter became pregnant by a stranger you'd met but were unable to find after the event.

I don't want to be alarmist but the bells are clanging at megadecibels, and I think you know very well what is on the agenda tonight,

In view of the level of deception that has already been practised (at your sister's and the fact that you had not known dd had invited boy to attend and sleepover with her at tonight's party), sanctions are not only in order - they're long overdue.

The bottom line is boy is sent home with instructions not to visit again without your knowledge and consent, and your dd stays at home under watchful eye of parents.

Of course your dd will not be a happy bunny but at least you'll know that on this occasion they won't be at it like rabbits. Sometime tomorrow (unlikely she'll listen tonight) you should sit down with her for a frank talk on sexual matters emphasising that good parents endeavour to protect their young even if this natural instinct causes resentment/embarrassment/humiliation/indignation etc to their offspring.

As Gentleness has said, you will be a shit parent and fail in your civic duty if you don't alert other parents to the fact that alcohol will be on offer at tonight's party which, as far as you know, will not be supervised by any adults - could it be that the house owners are blissfully unaware of the planned event?

I wish you luck with this - think of it as one of the many rites of passage to grown up parenthood, and continue to trust your instincts (I think you know yours are spot-on).

beesimo · 07/05/2011 18:30

We are a Catholic family with a 'realistic outlook on life'. I have three DDs and after much discussion with DH over the years and as a family I have come to the conclusion that the only way to 'protect' them from effectively themselves and their own sexual desires is to acknowledge they have them.

My DDs are just as bubbling with hormones as are my DSs, I can't expect, although I live in hope that they will do as I did and meet their love at a young age, and have a long happy life with their one and only partner. My DDS are good lasses but as with your DD they are only flesh and blood and one day they WILL have sex. So you need to get real.

What I do try to instill is safety and self respected.

Never meet anyone of the internet it's not exciting its dangerous.

Stick together with your mates when you are somewhere your not known.

Don't get pissed then pinned by someone you don't even know at a party.

If something DOES happens tell Mam she is on your side and we'll go to the clinic together for MAP.

When you meet a good lad you want to 'be' with Mam would like you to go on the pill and Father WILL be talking to the lad regarding our expectations of him and his responsibilities towards you. Condoms

We promise anyone you bring home will get a proper fair first chance with us so there is no excuse for lying or sneaking about!

sleepingsowell · 07/05/2011 18:41

Yes I agree it's good to accept teenagers' wish to be sexual, be independent etc but I would not be consenting to any sleepover at a party where there are teenagers, alcohol and no parental influence at all. That's just giving them way too free a rein.
Yep, they can have sex before you pick them up at a reasonable hour, if they are really determined to; but just because they can that doesn't mean you throw your hands up and give up all attempts at giving a general boundary around their behaviour. Being picked up by a parent after a party is very very normal for a 15 year old and I think is very reasonable.
Specially where the DD as in this thread has not been open with her parents.

Gentleness · 07/05/2011 20:29

Quote Kiwibella - "She just needs to be honest. We are here to protect her and not to shelter her."

This is something I am going to quote to myself constantly, even when ds is so tiny - so true! Thanks for being so reasonable in responding to our posts - when I re-read mine I thought it could be taken as harsh! I'm so glad you are thinking of calling a stop on this sleepover business even apart from the rest.

Megatron · 07/05/2011 20:34

I am dreading all this with my DD (4). I have no advice at all as I just don't want to think about it. Oh and you sound lovely OP and most definitely not a shit parent.

helenthemadex · 07/05/2011 21:15

I think by showing her you are prepared to trust her to go to this party, knowing there will be alcohol and her bf will be there, it is more likely she will trust you and tell you things in the future

as you say we want to protect our kids, but at the same time we want them to grow up to be well rounded adults

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