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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let a friend know I am ttc?

17 replies

thelittlefriend · 06/05/2011 13:46

Me & dp are now starting ttc dc2.

I have a very close friend who I would usually share such new with. However, she is recently coming to terms with the realisation she is not going to have birth children, and finding it very hard.

So, aibu to let her know we are ttc, or is it better to let her know now, so when I do get preg it is not a shock for her?

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 06/05/2011 13:49

Forewarned is forearmed. Tell her but then leave the subject alone.

pluPassionatelyHatingAntiAV · 06/05/2011 13:52

It might take you a while, so there is no need to tell her now, while she is so raw about this. If/when you do get pregnant, you will have a couple of months (till 12 weeks) to gauge how she is feeling and soften her up.

springbokdoc · 06/05/2011 13:52

I'd let her know but then drop the subject unless she brings it. I'd think she'd be awfully hurt if you fell pg and only told her then.

BTW good luck :)

scarletfingernail · 06/05/2011 14:05

I wouldn't tell her. Many people who have 1 child go on to have more than 1 so I think that she would not be that surprised when you tell her you are pregnant and doesn't need to be warned.

You don't know how long it will take you to get pregnant so telling her now while her feeling are still raw may have a worse impact than if you left it for however long it takes you to get to 12 weeks pregnant.

Sadly for her, she will know lots of pregnant women throughout her life and learning to cope with that is something that will take time, so I would leave off telling her for as long as possible. When you do tell her, she will understand why you didn't say anything earlier.

Apart from anything else, she doesn't want your baby, she wants her own and I'd feel a bit embarrassed if my friends thought they had to run their own TTC plans by me first. (I'm speaking from my own experience)

valiumredhead · 06/05/2011 14:08

No don't tell her until you are pregnant. TTC is extremely personal imo and shouldn't be talked about until there is a BFP :)

Original poster
thelittlefriend · 06/05/2011 14:16

thanks for replies

valiumredhead the relationship I have with this friend is one where we would always share this kind of info with each other. So one of my concerns is that she may be offended that I haven't told her and therefore changed our relationship because of her situation.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 06/05/2011 14:19

Honestly I would leave it for a bit as she is so raw. Scarletfingernail hits it on the head in her post.

piprabbit · 06/05/2011 14:20

Why would you tell anyone in RL that you are TTC? 'Hello, I'm having lots of sex at the moment' - how on earth could anyone respond politely?

Don't tell your friend. She will be waiting, week by week, for you to tell her that you are pregnant. The waiting and wondering is far more corrosive to your friendship than just telling her about your pregnancy if and when it happens. Who knows you may find yourself in a similar boat to your friend and suffering from secondary infertility.

florencedougal · 06/05/2011 14:20

why would you tell anyone, surely its a private matter between you and your husband

valiumredhead · 06/05/2011 14:27

When you do get your BPF OP, you can explain that you didn't want to hurt her feelings and weren't sure the best way to handle the situation etc etc

Stickwithit · 06/05/2011 14:28

I would tell her TBH. I have been in your friends position in that I thought I needed to come to terms with never having DC (we now have miracle DC though so you never know).

Knowing that another DC is on the cards for you will mean that she will be more prepared when you do fall pregnant. Its hard to explain, and I can only speak from my exerience, but somehow when I expected the news that someone may be pregnant it was less of a punch in the face for me when the big news came.

I am aware that describing some else's joy at being pregnant as a 'punch in the face' sounds selfish and unkind. I was always pleased for them but somehow it made my pain worse each time. I did find that when I was able to be honest about my embarassing feelings of envy I felt much better.

Original poster
thelittlefriend · 06/05/2011 14:32

valium that is a good point that I could explain that I was torn over what to do - I just have the image of me sharing happy news and her taking it as a slap in the face that I didn't prepare her (a bit like the way Stickwithit describes it as a punch in the face!!)

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 06/05/2011 14:36

piprabbit has it spot on, imo.

It would be bloody torture for this woman, to know that you were trying. And may well succeed. And she'd be constantly wondering if this was going to be the day you tell her.

Perhaps in a while. but not right now. Not if she has so recently gone through this and is still working through her emotions.

If you had just recognised that you could not bear a child and were grieving for this and a mate came and said "just thought I should let you know that we are ttc..." tell me, would you think anything other than "and you chose to tell me this NOW, you cow?"

sunchild77 · 06/05/2011 14:37

Can't you just say in conversation, something along the lines of, blah blah blah, "Well we'd really like to have another child soon" and leave it at that?

You don't need a formal announcement of ttc, and you'll probably get pregnant soon enough, then you can tell her your pg after a suitable time.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 06/05/2011 16:17

I'd wait until you get pregnant. You don't know how long it's going to take, nor how early after the BFP you'd want to tell her. You could end up creating for her a lot of anticipating and dreading which may take months or years to come to fruition...

boobellina · 06/05/2011 16:32

I like sunchild's idea. Subtle and sensitive and not making a massive deal out it.

As someone who still (over 5 years on) finds it heartbreaking that other people get pregnant and I don't, I can say that making a big announcement is probably only going to make her feel guilty that she has spoiled this for you.

One of my lovely friends cried when she told me she was pregnant because she was so nervous of how I would react. I was devastated to have spoiled it for her and felt so bad that she didn't think I'd be delighted for her. I was over the moon for her, my infertility didn't mean that I thought that the rest of the world should stop reproducing. It just means that sometimes after I've done the smiley congratulations and all the being excited for my friends I might take myself to a quiet room and sob. Although not for long because my adopted DD normally finds me pretty sharpish!

loola2shus · 06/05/2011 16:50

I agree with Sunchild- I am also speaking from (some) experience -have now got 2 DCs but went through IVF etc to get here.

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