to think dh and should sit down and agree how we're going to deal with the dc's behaviour?

[deaconblue]

Dh won't sit down and agree parenting strategies but then complains if I undermine him by disagreeing with the way he deals with ds (5) and dd (3). I can't win. I think he thinks I over-analyse parenting (true I probably do) but he won't discuss it at all and says he just says and does "what comes naturally".
Basically this has come up again because when ds got up at 5.20 this morning and came into our room dh was really grumpy and shouted at him to "shut up and get out". I think it's never ok to talk to our children so rudely and said so in front of ds. Probably I should have waited til later but I felt so sorry for ds whose only crime was waking up early.
But in my opinion the true problem is we haven't sat down and decided what we want to do when ds gets up too early.
So am I being unreasonable to say to dh this evening that if he wants my unconditional support he needs to agree a set of rules with me?

Good luck. YANBU, but I do think you should cut your DH some slack. My DH is the nicest, easiest going man in the world, but, if DD came into our bedroom at that time of day I think he would shout out of frustration.

You are being totally reasonable. I could also be accused of over-analysing as well, but at this age, a lot of what needs to be done to improve common problems involves a mutually-agreed problem-solving approach, and at least some degree of consistency. "What comes naturally" might be smacking or shouting. Doesn't make it right or mean it works.

As you say, timing is the issue here. When something stressful is going on is not the time to discuss principles, but I'm with you all the way. In a non-critical way, I think you do need him to understand that you need to come up with agreed strategies together, or one or other of you will end up undermining the other

I think it's the rudeness that bothered me most about this morning. I wasn't desperately pleased to see him so early either. But he's 5 and had no idea what time it was. Yesterday he got up early so I took him back to bed, gave him some books to read and asked him to read quietly until dd woke up. He did exactly what I had asked him to do. Sometimes dh talks to ds in a way he wouldn't dream of talking to anyone else on the planet.

Well, there's saying something out of order once under the influence of extreme annoyance, and there's not really knowing how to communicate with your child in order to get the result you want.... Sounds like your DH is the latter

You'll have to steer a line between agreeing parenting practices between you and you dictating to your DH how he will parent.

I personally think that the easiest way is for you to suggest methods that you're in favour of and get DH to suggest the ones he prefers. Then try to meet somewhere in the middle or agree that you'll follow yours and he'll follow his and neither of you will criticise the other's method or undermine the other parent in front of the children.

Being a bit snappy at 5am isn't ideal but it's not the end of the world either. Perhaps get DS an alarm clock and teach him to tell the time if he can't tell it yet?

I have to say, I think there are more mothers than fathers who behave as if they have the power of 'veto' over the DCs and are somehow 'in charge'... and it's a recipe for disaster.

What worked with DS1 and 2 with the early rising was to make a clock face out of card (he can help you) with the arms set to the time he's allowed to come into your room, then stick this on the wall under the real clock. I also used to leave a drink and a bowl of dry cereal, because mine would get really hungry in the mornings. Nothing I did seemed to work in terms of getting them to wake up later, but this did work for stopping them disturbing us.

That's a good idea, JamieAgain.

He probably does feel I behave as if I have the right to veto anything he chooses to do but I can't see how ok to speak to anyone so rudely. Ds responds pretty well when he's spoken to fairly and gently but this morning only led to him crying his eyes out and waking dd up early anyway so dh's choices made things worse.

Also I don't think he actually makes "choices" about how to deal with the kids, he goes for the instant shout rather than considering what might actually work. Is tricky too because he works long hours and I'm a SAHM so I do most of the "parenting" anyway.

It doesn't make you the uber parent though, shoppingbagsundereyes and, whilst I understand where you're coming from, if you're interested in presenting a united front then you'll have to make DH see that it's not the case that you decide everything. You can still implement the jointly agreed methods whilst you're doing the regular daycare.

I just think that if a parent is undermined and disregarded enough, there's a risk that they just don't bother and the other parent becomes a 'lone parent'.

I agree but the kids are 5 and 3 and so far he's been unwilling to discuss any form of strategy at all so I end up doing what I think is best and he does what occurs to him at the time (I'm certain he wouldn't say he believes shouting and telling a child to get out is the best way forward if you asked him)

I'd be a bit bloody snappy being woken up by a 5 year old at that time too tbh!

What strategies do you think you will both come up with? Surely blackout blinds and a simple clock and a firm 'Back to bed NOW, it's too early' is the way forward?

shoppingbagsundereyes.... How about trying this? Say something like, "I know DS gets up earlier than he should but he gets so upset when we should at him, he's sensitive, what else can we do, any ideas...?"

I dunno, something like that. Men are generally problem solvers and if you go about it that way rather than calling a meeting to discuss strategy (which appeals to me, btw ), you might get a different and better result from your DH.

Or your dh just might not know what to do OP. My dh is a great father and husband and will back me up 99x/100 but if I called a meeting and asked him to actually come up with strategies he'd not have a clue!

Call it a meeting of Joint Chiefs of Staff and have a round-table discussion

Lying I hope you are right but sounds like OPs DH is the sort who's not keen to admit he might not know something

JamieAgain... I have no idea if it will work, I just have my own experience with DH (mine, obviously) and the Scarlett O'Hara 'it's all too much for me' approach often gets better results.... I'm ashamed of flinging myself, weeping, one to the sofa... although I have actually done it...

YANBU at all. Good luck.

Lying

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