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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

why do people think that to be happy you need a man in your life

51 replies

cuteboots · 06/05/2011 08:37

My little boy is now 7 and all I get is you need to get your life back now and meet a nice man!?

I am very happy on my own and it wouldnt bother me if I never met another man . What are other peoples thoughts on this?

OP posts:
Malificence · 06/05/2011 12:35

I find it hugely ironic that the very people (on relationships) who always say that it's ok to be on your own etc. are the ones telllng me I'm weird for saying that if something happened to DH , I would be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life alone and that my FIL is silly for not having had a relationship with a woman in the 15 years since MIL died. Go figure. Hmm

expatinscotland · 06/05/2011 12:45

'I find it hugely ironic that the very people (on relationships) who always say that it's ok to be on your own etc. are the ones telllng me I'm weird for saying that if something happened to DH , I would be perfectly happy spending the rest of my life alone and that my FIL is silly for not having had a relationship with a woman in the 15 years since MIL died. Go figure.'

Well, you definitely never heard me say that! :o

I was amazed on a thread a few weeks ago how every single female poster said if they died their partner or spouse would be hooked up again in record time and they were glad of this because they want him to 'be happy'. As, of course, it's not possible to be happy without a relationship.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/05/2011 12:50

Well I've been on my own for nearly 6 years.
I separate 6 years ago and can't imagine ever living with anyone again.
I love my independance, the bed to myself, and not having to consult anybody - I do what I want.
Should I ever meet anybody, I would never let them move in or vice versa.
I am destined to be the mad old lady with cats, I fear.

Ormirian · 06/05/2011 12:53

If anything happened to DH I wouldn't live with another man. I might have a relationship of some sort but not a co-habiting one.

HerBEggs · 06/05/2011 12:55

They think that cuteboots, because they woudlnt' be happy without a man in their life.

Which is fine, each to their own, if people really don't like their own company and would feel really lonely without another adult to live with them, that's what suits them isn't it. I'm always slightly bewildered as to why they can't conceive that someone else might not be like that though.

I have no difficulty whatsoever in imagining that some people can't live without Coronation Street. I can. I don't keep telling them that they should turn off telly and get posting on mumsnet instead, because that suits me so it should therefore suit them. Grin

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 06/05/2011 12:56

I think you can be an independent person and still be in a relationship. I hope that people don't think they have to choose between independence and being loved. That would be sad.

Although - I suppose that really depends on what you mean by independence, though. I think I am independent. I don't ask for permission for stuff, I do what I want - as far as anyone who is an adult, with responsibilities for children and for running a home can, anyway. Grin

But you aren't independent as in please yourself in all things, because you do have to make decisions with another person. There is compromise. like where you're going on holiday, or any major purchases, that sort of thing. So if independence is making all the decisions alone then no, you can't be independent and in a relationship.

But then, independence like that is also a compromise, isn't it? because in order to get it, you must give up on the idea of sharing your life with someone and being loved and all the soppy bits I mentioned in my last post Grin

Laquitar · 06/05/2011 12:56

The two people i know who say this to every single person (an aunt and a 'friend') are both in very bad marriages. I think it is their way of comforting themselves and justifying the shit they put up with (at least i've got a husband). Maybe unconsious envy too for single women.

Original poster
cuteboots · 06/05/2011 12:57

ladybeagle eyes- I personally dont see anything wrong with that but for me it would be the mad old bird with lots of dogs. All the people I know with partners are not that happy and would leave if they had the opportunity. My brother being one of these people is just waiting for his son to leave school and then hell be off. Life I feel is to short to be unhappy! maybe if David Beckham leaves Victoria then I may change my mind! HA HA

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 06/05/2011 12:59

I can honestly say I'm VERY content without a man in my life!

I have great kids, and a great family and good friends. It so annoys me when people ask when I'm going to get myself a man (been a single mum for a few years) as if to say that being in a relationship is the be all and end all.

Why must I need a man to make me feel complete?

Also, regarding most couples I know personally I really believe that only about 1o% of them are actually happily married or living together happily, and I know a lot of couples!

Birdsgottafly · 06/05/2011 13:01

I went through a period of being happily single, after being widowed, no-one believed me.

I knew when i was ready for another relationship, it has got to be something that you want, i thought about it for a while. I knew i no longer wanted 'flings'. I wanted what you get with a relationship, closeness etc (not sex). It does make a difference, you have to fit another persons needs and wants in.

If it is not what you want yet, then do not look for one. You may find later on, perhaps as your DS grows up that you want to share your life with someone, but that does not mean that you even have to live together to do that. It is up to you to decide what works for you.

springydaffs · 06/05/2011 13:36

Being alone isn't so bad - it goes in waves - but it's how you're viewed if you're single that is the main problem: pity, confusion (is she gay - for a while it was generally assumed I must be as nobody could figure out why I was single). The thought bubbles coming out of peoples' heads are almost tangible as they struggle to place you. Then you get drunk women offloading onto you at parties, saying "you're so brave, i couldn't do it" with a wistful look in their eye. People also have a tendency to give you the dogend of things when you're single eg if a group of you are going away and you're the only single, you get allocated the crap room/bed, because you're 'only' single. I could go on...

It's generally regarded as a huge stigma to be single - re Anne Widdecombe who has recently had to repeatedly say "it just didn't happen" re her being single all her life. People can't seem to get their heads around that - what, you couldn't find anybody to love you? Poor you! (subtext: what's wrong with you?)

AbsDuCroissant · 06/05/2011 13:47

I agree with helenthemadex - what is more important is being happy within yourself. If you meet someone who you love, and who loves you back and with whom you want to share your life - awesome, but if you don't, it doesn't mean that you'll be unhappy.

Before I met DP was actually veery happy - I enjoyed being single, I like being by myself and I liked being able to do whatever I pleased. But, I'm ridiculously happy with DP - I love having someone to share my life with, to slob around and watch TV with, travel with, cook for and with. For both of us, neither of us was actively seeking a relationship; we were both pretty happy in ourselves it's just we happened to meet that special person.
I do have a lot of friends who are single and desperately looking, but the truth is, finding someone won't necessarily make them happy.

nijinsky · 06/05/2011 13:54

I think its conditioning. I spent two years in my early thirties single and it was the happiest time of my life. I made so many new friends and had my busiest social life ever. I often wish I had the courage to become single again, but even then I constantly got horrified comments (from men) of "you don't have a boyfriend? We'll have to do something about that then" and in horrified tones "You don't have a boyfriend". Then when I was disinterested in the unsuitable specimens put forward, a rumour went around that I was a lesbian (I'm not, I just liked one particular man who turned out to be gay, but thats another story).

springydaffs · 06/05/2011 14:40

I don't think the particular man who turned out to be gay is the reason people thought you were a lesbian nijinksy - I've had the same (see above) and I didn't love a man who was gay. It's part of viewing you as an alien species if you're single I'm afraid.

ccpccp · 06/05/2011 14:42

Joking cuteboots :)

Though more seriously, single life is brilliant until all the people around you arent single any more.

HerBEggs · 06/05/2011 16:43

Oh just wait long enough and most of them will be single at some stage again. Grin

BooyHoo · 06/05/2011 16:47

i don't need a man in my life. but i do very much need company. i need someone to share my evenings with, someone to share the enjoyable moments of parenting with, someone to have a meal out with, someone to chat with that knows me well and 'gets' me and wants me to be happy, someone to go on a family holiday with instead of being the only adult and just going to bed with the kids at 8pm. ik, maybe i dont need all that, but i am unhappy without it and as i like sex too, i think a man would be preferable for the job.

FreudianSlipper · 06/05/2011 18:13

i get it all the time too. i have been single since i found out i was pregnant and happier now that i ever was. i miss sex at times but have males friends (do to want to complicate the friendship) but i do not miss anything else

i have had great relationships and crap ones. i am now happy with myself and the need for a man has gone

my friends are always going on about it does get boring but there are just reflecting what they want

Magicmayhem · 06/05/2011 18:30

I vowed to be single and cellibate for the rest of my life when I seperated from H, It was going to be just me and the kids, and yes I was happy, good life, loads of friends, good job etc... but it wasn't until I met someone else that I realised I was lonely and missed intimatacy... I think that when people are in a happy relationship they can't see why someone else would want to be single... but they are single for a reason and probably have had a shit relationship, IYSWIM...

Goodynuff · 06/05/2011 18:41

I am one of those very happily married women. I am also really happy to have two kids.
And a garden. Smile
Just because this set up makes me happy doesn't mean I would advocte it for anyone else though.
I push for happy, how ever you find it!

SueSylvesterforPM · 06/05/2011 18:43

I notice that alot in society , 7? cheeky lil monkey

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 06/05/2011 18:44

It's due to years of conditioning from the media....happy families are everywhere aren't they? Ads, TV shows, kids toys...just say "No, what I need is for people to stop telling me what I need! I'm very happy alone."

Or "Nah...I'm enjoying myself too much!"

HerBEggs · 06/05/2011 19:27

Goodynuff what a remarkably well balanced approach to life you have. Grin

What a pity so many other people feel so insecure or unhappy about their choices that they're so desperate to inflict them on other people, whether those people want them or not.

I think it's OK if people are so happy and in love that they get a bit evangelical about it and try and match-make their friends - OK it might be a little irritating, but it's OK, it's bearable and quite sweet. But the ones that make me suspicious, are the ones who are very obviously not very happy with their partners and yet still tell single people that they ought to be coupled. Why? If I'm miserable everyone else should be too or something?

Goodynuff · 06/05/2011 19:42

HerBEggs Thanks Smile
just my take, no numbers to back me up >>>
I think that some people have a hard time identifying with anyone who is different from themselves. These are often the kind of people that feel married people should maintain a social group of other married couples, when they have kids, they only want to hang out with other famillies that have kids, and all that jazz.
I know a few people like this. The tend not to ike change too much, and don't relate to people who make different lifestyle choices from themselves.
Thay also tend to think I am not discerning enough Grin oh the irony of remaining friends with them!

Goodynuff · 06/05/2011 19:43

Blush must proof read!