or should I have kept this quiet from DH?

[Bogeyface]

We are in a situation at the moment that is not of our making, but has impacted our finances horribly. It is just one of those things that could happen to anyone and while it totally sucks, isnt anyone fault.

I have done the lions share of sorting it out. I know that practically this is the best thing as a)I am at home and can do ringing people to get quotes etc b) I am much better at negotiation than DH so can get us the best possible deal and c) I can sit and spend time juggling the figures etc to make sure that we dont end up on the bones of our arses for next 3 months paying for it. But some support would be nice instead of him leaving me to it and expecting me to just come up with the answers all the time. I guess that is partly my fault as I have set myself up as the coper it is annoying but I can deal with that.

What I didnt expect is for him to be actively selfish about helping the situation and deliberately avoiding doing something that would make this a little easier to deal with, both financially and stress wise, because he would have to make a sacrifice. Imagine that you needed money and had something worth selling, but hid the fact that you owned it so you didnt have to sell it because you didnt want to have to go without, even though your partner had straight away sold something that mattered to them and was going without. It isnt actually that but along those lines, but you get the idea.

He also spent some money that although negligible in the grand scheme of things (less than £50 when our problem is needing hundreds), could have gone into the pot to help out. It was a luxury purchase that he just didnt want to wait for. I found out because he left his email open and the confirmation order was there in all its glory. So I rang him and made it clear how pissed off I was that not only was he leaving it all to me, but he was actually making things harder for me. We had a row where he got very shouty, always a good indicator that he knows he is wrong, and tried to turn it round to being my fault and then got even more shouty when he couldnt.

I lost it, burst into tears (as much from frustration, stress and anger as genuine upset) and hung up on him. this was 3 hours ago. He just rang and asked how I was and sounded quite contrite. He said I sounded funny and was I ok and I said I had been crying all afternoon and probably sounded bunged up, and he said thanks for making him feel worse!

EXCUSE ME?! He says that there was no need to "rub his face in it" which I wasnt, he asked! And why the hell should I keep quiet about being at the end of my rope in the first place only to have him make things worse and that that had upset me? I think I was crying so much because a) I am 37 weeks pg so a bit prone to tears atm and b) it has all just got too much and I needed to let it out.

So should I have just kept schtum as I am "making things worse" by telling him how upset I am?

Sorry for your troubles, OP. If your DH is really sorry and contrite then he will be hapy to send this thing that he has ordered, back. Ask him to do that. £50 is £50 and if it does make a difference, then he should, if only to negate some of your stress.

Hope things pick up for you soon.

He should feel guilty at how upset you are, and you should not have kept it quiet.

A relationship needs to parties to work, you are putting in all the effort to sort your problem out and he is pulling in a different direction, that is wrong.

Why should you have to hide how upset you are, just to avoid upsetting him?
Tell him to grow up and do something useful.

YANBU. He is being an idiot.

My DH very occasionally does the 'now I feel guilty because you are upset' line, which sounds similar to your face-rubbing, and I just tell him to sod off. He knows he does it, and hates that he does it because it is something that his twat of a father always says, but he almost enters an autopilot when we argue sometimes.

Will he realise on his own that he's been an idiot, or will you need to point it out again?

YANBU. He knows he's in the wrong and is feeling guilty. You know the saying 'Attack is the best form of defence'...?

Sometimes things do build up, and it sounds to me like you are perfectly entitled let it all out and have a big ol' cry. He is being selfish expecting you to sort it all out and buying stuff at a time when he knows he should be saving. Financial troubles are awful at anytime, and even more concerning when you're heavily pregnant.

Can you explain to him that you're sorry if he thought you were trying to make him feel worse, you weren't - you're pregnent, tired, stressed at sorting it all out and need him to support you more. Ask him to bring you home a small present (bar of choc, fancy juice, whatever you like) and give you a back rub this evening? Give him a chance to 'make up' for being insensitive (without saying that to him though!!) and to make him feel like your protector and provider again. Yes I know that sounds like something from the stone age, but it's quite basic psychology gleaned from various magazines and books through the years that I've found works!!

My DH only gave up his eBay Lego habit when I totally lost it after seeing his paypal account. I then took him through every detail of the money-juggling I had done, and shown him what I had sacrificed, and he came to his senses.

We're back on an even keel now. I hope you and DH can sort yourselves out soon

Thanks all.

I know that part of the problem is that he resents that he doesnt really see a penny of his wages atm as they are all spoken for as on top of this latest disaster, we had a significant drop in income just after Xmas, again not our fault. So we are trying to pay the same bills, mortgage etc with alot less money and that leaves nothing for treats etc. I know that that pisses him off, it pisses me off to, but ffs we have a roof over our heads and food on the table and in the current economic climate we are doing a hell of alot better than alot of people. He does have actually have a job after all!

He just doesnt see that him treating himself atm is wrong as he has earned it. Well yes, so have I but that didnt stop me from making half a dozen items of maternity wear last since Xmas because I couldnt justify the cost of more despite my stuff falling apart from wear!

Things will ease up in the next 3 months or so, and we will be significantly better off, so we just have to be patient. But in the meantime I think that we should both make the same sacrifices!

Sorry, got OT there! I didnt think I was BU by telling him, and I think it is guilt that is making him angry (I agree about attack being the best from of defence!), so in a way I am glad as hopefully it will bring it home to him how hard I have worked and how hard he is making things.

Thanks :)

I hope he has come to his senses. You have to stick to your guns. I also think that the fact that he isn't involved in the juggling removes him from the situation slightly. You should both be working out the finances together. Then he will feel part of the plan.

Is there any way you could give yourselves a little "pocket money" each? Just a few quid a week, or whatever, might help you both to feel you can treat yourself to a little something.

(apologies if this suggestion is out of order because finances are too tight)

Tbh TeamLemon, it isnt the money as such, but the fact that he deliberately hid his spending from me.

The situation that is causing me the most upset is that he has something that could make a big difference to being able to sort this out and he kept it from me because he didnt want to lose it. Its hard to explain without giving full details but imagine you had a classic car that you didnt need and only used occasionally as a treat, you could sell it if you needed the money right? But he (as the hypothetical cars owner!) hid the fact that he owned it and allowed me to sell the car I use daily AND sell other posessions just because he didnt want to make a sacrifice, thereby making my life much more difficult. So basically I am one the making all the sacrifices to find this money and he is making none. Does that make sense?

And then to hide this purchase on top, its a real smack in the mouth when I have spent the last 3 weeks doing everything I can to find the money we need. Its just pure selfishness and it really hurts that he would do this to me :(

I understand how hurtful that is.
Did he deliberately keep something from you, or was it a case of DH just sticking his head in the sand?

He deliberately kept it from me :(

And is now on the defensive because i found out and am questioning his selfishness, and the fact that I have made a huge sacrifice myself to help deal with the situation is making him worse because he hasnt got a leg to stand on!