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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to sell DM's ticket? Annoying mother etc.

17 replies

Virgowoo · 05/05/2011 15:51

Right, strapping helmet on for first AIBU post...

I have tickets for a big event at the end of the month. I have a professional interest & planned a long day at the event. DM invited herself along and I agreed she could come with me. She has paid me for her ticket, but I have both tickets in my possession.

Last week, we had a disagreement and she was massively rude to me and said some nasty things about DH. In our family, we tend to not bear grudges, just let arguments blow over and resume normal relations. We're speaking, after a fashion, but I'm not having anything more to do with her ATM than I have to. I'm still smarting a bit from last week and the last thing I feel like doing is spending time taking her to London, staying overnight, all the next day at the event and bringing her home again.

WIBU to consider telling her I don't want to go with her and giving her her money back for the ticket and going with someone else? I know a friend who also has a professional interest who can't get a ticket because it's sold out.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 05/05/2011 15:52

YANBU

HMTheQueen · 05/05/2011 15:57

YANBU - your friend has more of a need to go, and you'd rather spend time with her.

Do it.

Original poster

Virgowoo · 05/05/2011 16:03

It's good to get some perspective on it. I feel like I'm going to be a total cow because she will expect to come as if nothing has happened. She thinks she can say whatever she likes to me and if I get offended, it's my problem because I'm "far too touchy".

OP posts:

mosschops30 · 05/05/2011 16:09

Yanbu

I had similar a couple of years ago i had a massive fall out with my mother, and i sold her ticket to a friend, she was horrified, she was also horrified that i cancelled her holiday but there was no way i was going to reward her behaviour by pretending it idnt happen (like my father and step father did).

This year i told her straight that if she wanted to come to a concert that she either sat on her own, went with soneone else or stood with me, dh and the dcs, i would not have my night ruined by her.
She decided not to come!

Stand firm

HMTheQueen · 05/05/2011 16:14

I have previously stood up for myself, only to be told I am 'too touchy'. The only way I can show that I am serious is to follow it up with actions. Then they can see I mean it.

Treat your parents like toddlers... simple instructions and if they don't follow through - consequences.

Don't reward bad behaviour in anyone... that's how you get spoilt 60 something's that get annoyed if you don't come when you're called (Yes MIL I'm looking at you!)

mosschops30 · 05/05/2011 16:17

Yep i agree parents are like toddlers, do not reward bad behaviour, it has a consequence!

Original poster

Virgowoo · 05/05/2011 16:25

Hooray! I Am Not Unreasonable.

Thank you for back up. I think I will be telling her she's not coming, despite the inevitable fallout. I will have a much better day without her and perhaps I need to be calling her out more often on her selfish, rude attitude.

I'm not a perpetual walkover, but I think I let her away with more than I would others.

OP posts:

SuchProspects · 05/05/2011 17:42

YABU. If she's already paid for the ticket then selling it to someone else without her permission, even if you give her the money, is effectively theft. Her being rude to you doesn't give you the right to appropriate something she's paid for just because it's in your possession.

You should tell her you no longer want to go with her and ask if she would like you to sell the ticket on. If she says "no", give her the ticket (post it to her if you like) and go on your own.

Original poster

Virgowoo · 05/05/2011 18:04

I knew there would be one.

I asked because I wanted to get a broad view of whether it would be an over-reaction on my part to do this, or unreasonable to say I didn't want to go with her. Not to get an opinion on the legality of selling the ticket. LOL at theft.

FWIW, I paid for both tickets, they are both in my name & she has reimbursed me in cash for hers.

DM is elderly and won't be going under her own steam, so really it's my decision if I want her to come with me which affects whether she'll be going or not.

OP posts:

SuchProspects · 05/05/2011 18:30

Well in that case I think YANU to tell her you won't be going with her or taking her. And it would be nice of you to offer to sell her ticket on for her.

I didn't mean above that it would be criminal (I'm not sure it would meet the criminal definition) but theft isn't only a legal term, it's also an ordinary dictionary word. I mean it would unethical to sell the ticket to someone else without her agreeing. She paid for the ticket and should have the right to be a spoilt brat and not let you take your friend with you, hopefully she is not like that, but the choice ought to be hers.

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2011 18:44

HM the Queen:
'Treat your parents like toddlers... simple instructions and if they don't follow through - consequences.

Don't reward bad behaviour in anyone... that's how you get spoilt 60 something's that get annoyed if you don't come when you're called (Yes MIL I'm looking at you!)'

Nice.
Looking forward to the day that your children have the same opinion...

I know some of you have mother/MIL issues, but that post takes the biscuit.
Gransnet and the chat about knitting wasn't appealing, but OTOH...

And as to the OP, yes I do think you will be unreasonable, but if you do go ahead, be prepared for more fallout than you might want.

LadyBeagleEyes · 05/05/2011 19:56

NannyOgg yes, I was a bit at that remark too.

takethisonehereforastart · 05/05/2011 20:18

Things might have blown over by the end of the month.

If you ditch her now it could prolong the upset and make things worse. It's hard to say without knowing what went on and what was said (not asking you to tell us btw). My mum isn't shy about giving her not always complimentary opinion and sometimes she has annoyed me because of it. It usually blows over in a day or two, although the time she told me during a telephone call that she thought I had put weight on was a long week for us. It wasn't so much the weight comment but the fact that she couldn't even see me that provoked me.

So back to the point, I don't know if you are being unreasonable because I don't know what was said, but if you generally have a good relationship and you are happy to do what you usually do and just let it blow over then perhaps it would be best to not sell the ticket. Only you know how long it might take you to get back on track but you say you don't bear grudges so is there a chance you will feel better by the time the date comes around?

If not, then don't take her, but if there's a chance things will be better by then if you just leave it now then I'd say leave it and take her.

Original poster

Virgowoo · 05/05/2011 22:27

I think that's the point, really takethis. I think I'm not happy to let it blow over as usual.
I don't bear a grudge over petty things but I'm a bit sick of her selfish, rude attitude and I'm still stewing a week later.

It has occurred to me that if she is happy to cast aspersions on my husband in front of me, what does she say when I'm not there?

I'd let it go if I got an apology, but that's a completely unrealistic expectation.

Might have a and throw some darts at her photo. Do I have ishooos?

OP posts:

Original poster

Virgowoo · 05/05/2011 22:32

And don't even get me started on maternal 'constructive criticism'. That just breaks me up re: Have you put weight on? over the phone.
Sounds totally familiar.

OP posts:

HMTheQueen · 06/05/2011 12:16

Nanny0gg I can understand why you think that quote is harsh. But I have learned by experience. I treated my MIL like a grown up, who managed to raise two children almost single handedly. What did I receive in return?

Her feeding a 6 month old chocolate blacmange. Her demanding that a sleeping 7 month old should be handed over to be paraded to her relatives (who have never met him before) because 'Granmda says so'. There are many more anecdotes, but I won't bore you with them.

TBH I have to treat her like a toddler, because she has been allowed to get away with things all her life, as 'it's just easier' (to quote her 4 brothers). I refuse to pander to a 60 year old toddler, just as I refuse to pander to a three year old toddler.

When she acts like a grown up, I will treat her like one (like I do my parents, my FiL and his partner).

Nanny0gg · 06/05/2011 17:36

Fair enough, HM.
It's just that we're not all like that!

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