Complaints about motherhood doing my head in

[thefruitwhisperer]

A friend of a friend had a baby around the same time as me. I knew her a abit as she also dated my best friends flatmate and my partners friend. She was always a bit crazy attention seeking but on the whole I took her to be a nice girl.

We live in a small town, and so we go to the same groups and see the same people. Obviously we now spend quite a bit more time talking now. Everywhere time I see her she complains about her sons feeding (same problem I had really, breastfeeding and not enough weight gain), complains about sleeping, complains about teething, then she complains she doesnt have enough mummy friends and I have more, and that shes put on more weight than me, her FB statuses are always about the problems shes having, interspered with boasting comments that she then turns into negatives too, like 'Hes been rolling since he was 3 months. But its a NIGHTMARE getting him to sleep properly in his cot'. Its like she does it so that people say Oh no, what a terrible time you are having.

I hate it! Every mum has problems of some sort, we are all different. Its never easy for anybody, but its like she wants sympathy for the things that we all have to go through. Loads of us are harrassed and knackered. How can I get away from this woman?! I feel bad thinking that some of the women she is unloading all this stuff onto might be badly suffering in silence themselves . Moaning about being a mother make me feel so

Even our joint friends call her a drama queen. Before everyone starts she doesnt have PND, she was like this before Ive now been told! AIBU to start going to baby group in the next town?

Sorry Working9while5 but our experience re the breastfeeding were different too. My DS didnt regain his birthweight for 6 weeks and was way below the 0.4th line, while her son didnt gain for one week and was on the 75th percentile so you can see why her whining about that would infuriate me when she likened the situations. (No HV came to me for 5 weeks either and she was online complaining because she'd only seen one twice in 5 days)

Others have mentioned that shes insensitive on FB and in RL too. I dont mean to say that mothers cant moan. Hell, I moan! But I try to give back too, its so one sided Id just rather avoid her and go somewhere else.

And this is not moaning abit, this is like if she won the lottery she would find something to complain about.

Vajazz you said "all over and on fb" so I thought you meant anywhere/everywhere.

Fruit, you should ignore her and go elsewhere. Or else just have it out with her like sleepingsowell suggested. Or ignore her where she is.

There was a woman at our little baby group who was a bit of a competitive whinger/know it all. If you just don't carry on the conversation or switch topics a few times you'll probably find she cosies up with someone else.

I think your problem here is purely that you're letting her get to you. Just don't. If she starts off moaning, just make your excuses and say you need to go and change your baby and come back and sit elsewhere. Or go to another group. Or consciously try not to sit near her. Or say something.

You've lots of options. She's not your boss or your inlaw, she's just some woman at a group that you sort of vaguely know. Very easy to ditch.

I had a friend like that. Her pregnancy was non-stop whining and complaining.

I have to admit that I called her on it when she was about 6 months - she was moaning about how difficult pregnancy is and how worrying etc, how she felt she had nothing to look forward to (!) with all the problems she'd had (morning sickness. That's all).

I feel a bit guilty for it, but as someone who was hospitalised due to a worrying virus at 20 weeks then told that neither of my babies might make it, having to have weekly monitoring and give up work the second I could, I was just fed up with the constant whinging.

And after all that blethering, YANBU

" Maybe remind her, in a deadly serious manner, of someone whose child isn't perfectly healthy, or that died. Or about couples who are unable to have kids."

yes, because that will make a mother who is struggling feel SO much better about how they are doing. FFS have a little bit of empathy. if you don't like the complaining then go elsewhere but there is no reason to be a bitch.

oooh, I had a chum like this when the dds were small

she would whine and moan and complain about how hard everything was, and I would find myself commiserating with her about how bad her lot was

then she would go, and I would whisper "but...I've got twins"

Haha! Spring heeled Jack, that made me smile

Just today we have had 3 FB updates on the teeth, and two statuses from her partner congratulating her on getting the baby to sleep last night. I might start hiding that shit. Or asking hubby to congratulate me with chocolates every time I get our boy to sleep too!

My cousin is like this, never happy unless she is miserable!

She has done herself no favours as we all actively avoid her now, although that is made easier as she has moved 300 miles away! But she just dragged us all down and a happy fun event would end up like a wake thanks to her tales of woe, and then she had children and it got worse. Her children do have some genuine health problems and potentially fatal allergies which of course we all sympathise about but boy has she made the most of them!

I would definitely change groups!

fb must make it so much worse

you've got it 24/7- at least I only had it when I saw her, or over the phone

Ok so I realise she was like this before but can't you use it to your advantage? Why don't you say to her, 'look I'm really worried about you and think you need to go to the doctor because you are very negative all the time and it must be incredibly draining for you because it's quite draining to here. .' Passive aggressive as hell but it might help if you don't like confrontation.

Or be more direct, next time she says you have more mummy friends than me tell her that this might be because she comes across as negative all the time and this doesn't help in making new friends.

Naturally she'll probably moan about the mean mummy friends on facebook AKA you but at least it might help her.

I've always been the opposite, I hate sympathy in any form and wouldn't want anyone thinking dd was a 'problem baby'! I don't mean I am boastful about her, just that I would never want anyone thinking "oh that poor Ninky, she is having a hard time", for some reason the thought just makes me cringe.

so, why don't you call her on it? Instead of moaning about her?

It's easy to say call her on it, but not that easy to do, as I found with my neighbour!

She sounded exactly like the OP's friend. Except she had apparently suffered PND after her first baby (before I met her) ABout months after I met her she became pregnant with her DD - on a daily basis she would be attention seeking on facebook - twice she put that she was in labour, when the baby would have been very premature, just for the cascade of comments and texts - although she claimed she did it for a joke

I and a couple of mutual friends had already had babies recently, and had put a few jokey statuses about lack of sleep - she then kept ranting about how exhausted she was and how selfish people who had their precious babies should be grateful, it was so hard being tired when you were pregnant and you didn't even have your baby in your arms yet.

It was relentless, incredibly draising, and I did eventually say something, she took it very badly, and it is now really awkward, I can't avoid her and our DS1's like to play together. SO in an ideal world, challenge her, in the real world find coping strategies - eg counter complaining!!

18 months!

I would not put up with it myself.... we have tried for many years to have a child and cannot have one... so people who complain about normal stuff that parents have to deal with get VERY little sympathy from me.

I have 2 scenarios with friends and this is how I dealt with it. Rightly or wrongly.

Friend A (newish friend) - CONSTANT moaning she cannot fall pregnant, then CONSTANT moaning when she is pregnant... goodness knows what her moans will be when there is a baby!!! I blocked her on Facebook. Cheerio. I do NOT need you in my life

Friend B (old friend) - I got a long, complaining email when she fell pregnant with ehr third child, unplanned... how were her and DH going to cope etc. I was so angry. I waited 2 days (to calm down), then replied and told her she is so fortunate to be bringing another little life into the world, and hoped she had a good pregnancy. She emailed back and apologised... saying she was thoughtless in complaining to me re a baby, knowing we are desperate for our own. She is still my friend.

no I don't think facing people with things is easy, sometimes in life things aren't easy - however, I think even if it causes difficulties it's ok to do. You (and in this case the OP) have just as much right to say how YOU feel, and how she is affecting you, as she does to moan.
Yes - people are likely to feel defensive; but why do only THEY have the right to speak up?

Maybe she's worried that if she talks about the good things she will be accused of boasting about her LO.

At our baby group it was practically the law that if you mentioned something positive you had to follow it up with something negative or run the gauntlet of glares for being smug.