to be miffed re: family presents for children

[endymion]

Name changer because includes financial stuff. Red rug, pouch of douglas, Judge Flounce and so on....

DH has two brothers. Each married with kids. SIL1 has three children aged 16 and over. SIL2 has 2 children under 10. DH and I have three children under 8.

PILs are fantastically generous and as a way of sharing assets/inheritance tax issues they passed a substantial sum of money to the three brothers. And paid off mortgages. This is context - that money not especially tight.

Got text from SIL today to say from now on she and DH's brother (so yes, agree he is part and parcel of the request, just he is being more low profile) would like not to give any adults and children christmas and birthday presents. Wants to do cards only. 2 of her children have 18 and 21st birthdays coming up next year.

I am really rather taken aback because

• it feels a little as if we have bought presents very happily for all 3 of her kids for the last 20 years (in respect of eldest at least) and now none of the younger cousins will have presents at Christmas or birthdays from that branch of the family.
• this follows DH being told by his mother that he'd forgotten eldest niece's birthday last month - present was 2 days late because waiting on delivery. Message passed to DH via MIL.
• is hard to explain to dcs that "look at the lovely card from Uncle X and Aunt Y, isn't it nice that we don't buy them presents and they don't buy us presents any more". They won't really 'get' it.
• we had an unspoken limit of about £15 per child. Not especially extravagant. So given that we know they were given a very very large amount of money and have no mortgage, I fail to see how stopping buying all the younger nieces and nephews presents is going to make a dent in their budget.

Incidentally I come from a family where once you hit 21, that's it for sibling presents. I don't buy my brothers presents and vice versa. So have no issue at all with no present swapping between adults.

DH and I just feel a bit put out (incidentally, so does dh's other brother). It also follows DH checking whether we were sharing easter eggs with each others children, to be told yes - so we bought their teenage dcs one each, and none have come back in return. Our dcs have not noticed and am not bothered but is the principle.

So AWBU to be miffed? Not massively - just in a "the cheek of it" kind of way????

I'd tell her that although her children are now adults yours are still only children and that it is only fair that they receive presents until they reach 20 years old.

I would also mention that if she had such a strong opinion on this then she should of voiced it when her children were under 8 years old.

I'd then conclude that to keep things fair and consistent you'll agree to stop presents when the children reach 20.

I appreciate everyones' comments. I think that I'll get DH to ring his brother when he can (shift patterns permitting).

I think that I'll suggest he says something along the lines of: "of course we absolutely agree that is very difficult buying for adults, but that we would like to continue getting the cousins something even if it is just a pair of earrings, a book or some chocolates or a bangle from accessorize". Hopefully they'll carry on getting our dcs something token because I think it is the thought that counts in that respect.

Lots of people are cutting back on presents, often due to not knowing what to give, rather than not wanting to spend money. I like the idea of suggesting a tiny token present for the children, even if only on their birthdays, up to age 18 or thereabouts. At Christmas they may get so many other presents they might not notice. However you can't force it. You can still continue to exchange with the other brother and his family

I think if your relationship with them is otherwise good then it would be foolish to make a big deal out of this. Fair play to them for being up-front about it. If you do carry on getting something for their kids I think you should accept and be prepared for the fact that they may not do the same for yours.

Yanbu they should continue until all children are 16

I think she is very mean.Her dc are grown ups now so after their special birthday have been,wt hec would you buy for them anyway? Its fine to say no adults buying each other but she is bang out to leave you lil dc out.Stupid cow.I would say if you felt like this why the fxxk did you accept our gifts for your dc all these years.Cheeky cow...also what someone else said ...ask her if times are hard.Its not about the dosh,its the fact she doesnt give a shit not buying something for children in her family...does your bil who is married to her not have an op?

Are you sure money's not that tight? There's lots of hidden debts out there.

I'm pretty certain that money isn't tight. Obviously I don't know for sure, though I do know that BIL and SIL were given the same advance of inheritance that we were. So if they are strapped for cash I'm actually pretty worried that there's an underlying problem - another reason that I don't want MIL to find out because she'd worry.

I actually have to say I do like SIL and BIL in the most part. SIL and I don't have much in common, but she's usually good fun though there has I suppose been a distancing in the last year or so, I think because she'd moved from SAHM with younger kids to having children nearly grown and ready to fly the nest so maybe we're just not at the same stage in life IYSWIM.

I think that we will call and say that we really want to carry on marking at least the younger 2 dns' birthdays with a token present, because we don't see them often - they're busy teenagers with hectic social lives, BIL works shifts, they go away a lot of weekends to second home - and it's a way of keeping in touch and showing that we've thought of them. Of course if they choose not to give presents to our dcs, then that's fine and their choice to make and it means there's one less 'thank you' card to send per child!

I'd go with everysprings idea
but
I'd go with that 18 is adult

or I'd ak her if she means basically no presents are given just cards to eveyone
or just by them
nothing to stop you and SIL 2 exchaning gifts

I'd be inclined to respond saying that if she (+ your BIL +neices) no longer wish to receive presents then you will respect that , and clearly she is free to buy (or not) for others as she sees fit. However, you will continue to buy presents for your younger nephews and nieces in order to treat them fairly in comparison to the older ones who have had nearly 40 years (between them) worth of presents from you.

Sorry, missed the point about SIL1 and BIL1 having 3 children- makes it over 50 years worth of presents!

sorry no real advice to offer, but I have been in the same situation with friends who had their children ages before I did. It is actually quite hurtful - you spend money and time choosing/wrapping etc for years on their children and they can't be bothered to return the favour. I don't actually quite feel the same way about my friend as I did

Does SiL1 also decree that you and SiL2 should stop buying for each other's kids as well? Because presumably, if they feel the same way as you, you won't be stopping buying for each other's kids.

Which is going to make SiL1 look like a right miserable tight-fisted old witch chump when you all merrily exchange and they sit there looking like Scrooge fools