to wish that, just occasionally, they would say something more than "he's been fine all day" at nursery?

[working9while5]

Ds is nearly 18 months, in private daycare.

Yesterday I went to pick up early as I had a smooth commute home so arrived at 5.30 (usually nearer 6). It was much busier than normal - usually I don't really see other parents when I'm there.

Anyway, the parents wait in the hallway for their child to be brought to them where a nursery worker will have a quick chat about the day etc. As there were a few parents in front of me, I could hear e.g. "ooh we went to the park today and Emma just loved the butterflies" and "Ethan made such a mess in the cornflakes today, it was right funny, he was giggling like there was no tomorrow."

Then my boy comes out and AGAIN: "he was fine all day, no problems".

I don't feel like I ever hear anything interesting or unique about him. I've worked in childcare settings and this suggests to me that he's probably quite passive in the setting and doesn't do much memorable so they struggle with the anecdotes.

I kind of get it. I know what he's like. He is very, very good at playing and entertaining himself. On my days off, he will take himself off to his play corner and play with his car ramps and then a shape sorter and then a tool bench and just chat away to himself and get on with it. When it comes to leisure activities he's very low maintenance. He can self-feed with cutlery and drink from any cup you give him so doesn't require much attention when I feed him, even. Though objectively - I know he's much more of a - erm - sensitive child when it comes to having his nappy changed or if he has to wait two seconds for food and when it comes to going down for a nap.

I wonder if they only "hear" from him when he is disgruntled and if when he's happy he just potters about doing his own thing..

I suppose the bottom line is I just feel.. well.. I feel they don't like him very much. I have been talking to friends with kids the same age and they really feel their kids are loved in the settings they're in. I know the law of the jungle in childcare settings. There are the cuties and the funny ones that lots of the girls flock to and the ones that just don't get that attention.

I feel a bit sad about it. Obviously from my POV he is just a darling little boy and full of cuteness and funniness and all sorts of fun and mischief but I realised yesterday that I just feel no warmth from the people in his setting towards him.

Is this typical? Should I be expecting more from nursery in terms of what they report back about him or is this just pfbishness?

i think you need to ask them, and be a bit more demanding- ask them specifically what he has done, what he has enjoyed, who he has been with, played with etc.

maybe its your insider knowledge that makes you a bit reluctant to do this?

I would second asking them, quite pointedly. My DS is quite happy to potter about and I wasn't hearing a lot. So now I go in, sit down where he is to give him a hug, then turn to the nursery worker and ask, "So, what has he done today?"

It caught them on the hop the first time, but she did tell me what he had been playing with and which children he had been playing with. Now they tell me as a matter of course.

You hit the nail on the head there risingstar.

I try to be as "hands off" as possible in some ways and ask only about the obvious things e.g. there is chicken pox in nursery at the moment so I asked what to look out for (even though I know, but just to make some chit chat).

I find it harder to ask about what he's done etc because I know that they know my background (I have in the past observed and advised on adult-child interaction in nurseries) and I worry that if I am too direct they will think I am being a bit precious.. I wouldn't have chosen to tell them what I do but one of them knew of me from a different setting.

Yes, ask them. And if they are still vague, ask for a meeting with his keyworker and express your concerns. Ask if they think he is happy and say you haven't really got a sense of his relationships with staff. And that you often hear staff telling parents specifics about their child's day and you would like to hear the same about your son. Sometimes you have to spell things out.

It may well be that because your son is no trouble and they don't have to work hard to amuse him, particular moments don't stick out for them. He could well be happy and lovely all day, and a real favourite. But you need to know.