To wish my teenage DSD would rebel a little? LONG sorry

[FreudianSlipOnACrown]

over 2 issues.

1 - shaving her legs. She's told me for a couple of years that she is desperate to do it. Now I know she shouldn't have to, but the point is it's her body, her choice. She is really unhappy with her legs (quite dark hair). Her mum said she couldn't do it until she was 13. We were a bit at this but thought fair enough, maybe she was a bit sad about her growing up etc.

So now DSD is 13 and was all excited about being allowed to shave at last. Her mum refused to buy her any stuff and said she could use her brother's razor . We realised I had enough spare (unused) stuff for her to use, and phoned her mum to check. She has now said no, DSD has to wait another year. DSD is really upset but is just accepting it. DH (who really doesn't want DSD to shave, but accepts that it is HER choice) has said she can do it here, but DSD just looked sad and said no, she will get in trouble. So she's just going to accept being teased for another year because she's scared of her mum.

1. Activity at school.

Last term DSD had signed up to an activity where she would be campaigning for giving up smoking. A big project involving meeting local heroes etc. It was lovely to see her so excited about something as she doesn't enjoy school. So tonight DH asks her if she's excited about it tomorrow. DSD said no, mum said she's not allowed to do it any more. Not because of having to miss school or anything, but because "she will rub it in my face because I smoke" - on the phone exW was actually gloating about not letting her do it.

DH is livid, as am I. DH has said DSD should do it, she wants to and is devastated. But unless her teacher makes her (because she's committed to it iyswim) then she will simply say "I'm not allowed" and miss out.

DSD has always been very passive, and never naughty barring the odd bit of cheek. We've always counted our blessings that all DH's DCs (they have 3 together) are very well behaved. Unlike the 2 DH and I have together who are challenging to say the least

But AIBU (DH too) to wish that for once DSD would just think "sod you mum" and do what SHE wants to do? To do what makes her happy?

YANBU. Can't believe she isn't at least sneakily doing stuff behind her mum's back, even if she isn't prepared to openly rebel! Maybe she's just saving it up and will turn into the daughter from hell on her 14th birthday.

Poor kid :(

Does her mother not realise that she is emotionally abusing her child by stifling her like this.

The poor girl sounds too scared of her mother to be a rebel. :(

I think your DH needs to grow a pair, he's her parent too

I don't really see what else DH can do though worra?

Very open to suggestions!

OK, YABU
You don't have to put up with the consequences of her upsetting her mother.

YANBU to be cross with her nutty mum, but it's not fair to put her under pressure at your end. Your DH should speak to her mum about these issues

Problem is he's not allowed to parent them. It's like no matter what he says exW will go against it. Short of going there and taking the DCs I don't see what he can do. He did go for custody at the time of the divorce (which was started before DSDs were born) but lost.

I said to DH earlier that I didn't even know why she wanted custody of their DDs. She has been open with DH right from the start that she doesn't feel the same about them as she does about their DS (a few years older and planned, unlike the girls - that pregnancy was only discovered after they split). I don't know about now, but she has in the past told DH that she doesn't love them.

We aren't putting her under pressure flounder. All we've done is said that she should do it if she wants to (both issues) and that we'd support her - he's her dad, he should have a say, right? But DSD said no because she'll get in trouble. We've not said any more to her other than to let her know we are on her side.

No matter what DH says to exW it's met with 'no'

If his ex-wife is so determined to go against your DH, could he not try a bit of double bluffing? If she thinks he is in agreement with her and he makes his opinion known strongly enough, might this be enough for her to change her mind? I know that's a less above board tactic, but wondered if it might work.

I totally get why your step daughter doesn't want to 'rebel' against her mother though, my Mom was veery liberal with us when we were younger and my Dad much more strict (he was the 'full time' parent) and I understand as he was the one who had to parent us most often and deal with any consequences of rebellious and challenging behaviour. I will say that we had no awareness of any one-upmanship between our parents though and neither of them would ever have openly encouraged us to go against something the other had decided.

That's a really interesting idea truffkin - no idea if it'd work but worth thinking about!

I hope people don't think btw that we are trying to get DSD to actually rebel - that needs to be her choice. I guess a more accurate title for the thread would be "AIBU to wish DSD wasn't so scared of her mum" :(

Aw bless her! How mean. My DDs are prbably going to be a bit hersute as we've all go dark hair...I plan to lt mine de-hair as soon as she asks.

If they'e self-concious why not?

I reckon teen Step children are tougher in some ways as they're theyr'e onw person more..so it's harder to see them getting told no when you would say yes....also, some kids just don't have that rebel gene.

I was a total rebel without a cause and when I left school and met more kids, I ws always shocked at how GOOD some of them were!

It's in them or it aint.

I was thinking the same could he say something like 'oh I'm glad you said no because I feel that she really shouldn't be allowed, I didn't know why you said yes in the first place'

Yes, it definitely 'ain't' in my DSD!

I think she would love to come and live with us, or even just spend more time with us, but she won't because her mum guilt trips her about being lonely.

With the shaving issue, at least, it shouldn't be about rebelling, it should be just about fitting in. By 14, if she has dark hair, I am quite sure some others at school will have made her life hell. It's not as if she were trying to go off the rails - with both your examples she is trying to conform and go well and being stopped by her mother, and it's hard to put any positive interpretation on the mother's actions from what you say.
Are there any other more neutral parties who could have a word with the mother about the shaving? An old family friend or a relative, perhaps, preferably one with older daughters who will know what a big issue this is at this age? (I have two teen daughters).
Poor girl.

Do well, not go well - sorry!

Hmm thats a good idea but I'm not sure if there's anyone neutral tbh. I dont think they have a very wide circle of friends and the ones she does have are totally poisoned against my DH anyway (even the ones who were mutual friends before the divorce) so would probably take exW's side no matter what.

With the shaving btw - I don't know, it's like she doesn't want them to turn into young women - which they are now, they're 13, they aren't little children now. The other (they're twins) has started her period and is utterly miserable because their mum doesn't talk about 'that sort of thing' :(

I don't think it can really be a case of "I'm sad they're growing up, because they're my babies" - because as I said above she doesn't seem to feel that much love towards them.

I may be massively overanalysing but I get a vague impression that exW jealous that DSD is very feminine, she's beautiful and takes a lot of pride and care in her appearance, which is something that exW has never felt able to do (her own parents overtly wanted a boy) :(