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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like I've dodged a bullet tonight

18 replies

Ormirian · 03/05/2011 19:45

because when I rang DB he told me they wouldn't be coming to visit mum and dad till August? Which gives me another 3m to arrange some bloody party that wasn't my idea and my auntie thinks 'would be nice, but let's keep it a secret do your mother doesn't get stressed' and that DB thinks should be small and just family and my mum (after DB let her into the 'secret') thinks would be better 'if we invited some friends as well dear'.

It's to celebrate my mum and dad being 80 this year. Which is indeed an event worth celebrating.

BUT.....

my even more aged auntie who will be 88 this year really doesn't want to so much apart from make sumptuous puds. And it's mum's birthday and she isn't in exactly perfect health so she can't be expected to do much. Ditto dad. And DB is 200 miles away.

AND I HAVE 3 DC AND WORK FULL TIME! My aunt already says she doesn't 'know how I do it' so why the fuck is she expecting me to sort out a bloody party in mum's house without telling my mum.

And BREATHE......

I fucking hate birthdays.....

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 19:59

Would it not be a heck of a lot easier to sort out a party in a hall somewhere. Guests can gather there, and you can arrive with your parents under the pretence of taking them for a meal...

80 is a grand age well worth celebrating :)

Original poster

Ormirian · 03/05/2011 20:08

Yes squeaky it would. But my parents have the most beautiful garden that they love to show off and a party wouldn't be the same for them if it wasn't there.

What I want is to sit my parents down and tell them that I am more than delighted to sort out all the food and drink, but they need to come up with a guest list and help get the garden/house ready. I guess that would work. But my auntie has this idea of it being a surprise.....

OP posts:

BendyBob · 03/05/2011 20:17

Oh lord this all sounds majorly stressful. Can't you chuck lots of money at it and have a nice buffet reception in a hotel or restaurant or similar venue and then you'll all enjoy it.

Or give Pippa Middleton a ring..

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 20:18

A beautiful garden could be wrecked by a lot of guests...

redexpat · 03/05/2011 20:20

I'd pay other people to do the legwork for me if thats possible.

Otherwise does she have a close friend who could possibly host? Or one with a big garden?

BendyBob · 03/05/2011 20:21

And dodgy weather is another factor for an outside party.

PigeonPie · 03/05/2011 20:21

I think surprise parties are over rated. I would casually mention it - especially as your DB has already sowed the seeds. And then you can both get down to the business of organising it!

redexpat · 03/05/2011 20:22

Apologies for X posting. Yeah surprise option not really viable if the party is going to be at your Mum's house. Could there be a surprise element? Some entertainment or something?

Original poster

Ormirian · 03/05/2011 20:24

Can't afford to throw money at it sadly.

But a surprise element would be good -

OP posts:

exexpat · 03/05/2011 20:24

If I arranged a surprise party for my parents (or in-laws for that matter) they would hate it - they like everything to be planned and anticipated to the minutest detail, and in my experience that's pretty normal for people in their 70s and 80s. The idea of inviting a load of people to my parents house without their knowledge would be a complete non-starter - they would completely freak out. Your aunt might think it is a nice idea, but really, I think getting your parents in on it would be much, much more sensible.

carabos · 03/05/2011 20:25

Perhaps your parents would get a lot of pleasure from the anticipation and being involved in the build up - maybe more than the momentary pleasure of the surprise? That way you get the help you need and they get to make some choices about the venue etc which they might enjoy?

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2011 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

floweryblue · 03/05/2011 20:28

Surprise party at their house??? I would be horrified if someone did that to me.

Funtimewincies · 03/05/2011 20:31

I would HATE for someone to organise a party in my house without telling me. A complete invasion of my space!

As others have said, I think that you have 2 options:

Surprise party in a hall.
Party in their house/garden with their full knowledge and consent.

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 20:32

I agree too, a suprise party in my own house would be one of my worst nightmares..

canyou · 03/05/2011 20:34

Ok How much can you afford to spend? Do you know any local chef/ restaurant/Deli that could do the catering, [I am a chef and often do house party catering for friends it need not be that expensive]
Do tell your parents esp your Mum who may want to get a new outfit, plant up the garden etc.

floweryblue · 03/05/2011 20:39

Re-reading your post OP, I think now your mum knows you should consult her about who to invite and what sort of 'do' she would like.

For DP's 40th I was able to arrange a small 'surprise' party, about 20, approx half the guests travelled over 300 miles, I didn't let him know any details even though he knew I was up to something. A friend made all the food for £150 and my family decorated the room at our house and welcomed our guests while I went out with him for the day. He was in tears when his children suddenly appeared, XW arranged for them to have time off school and SIL and her family brought them and took them back.

Had he done the same to me, my tears would have had a different meaning!

Northeastgirl · 04/05/2011 21:44

I agree people of that age wouldn't like a surprise. I also think it would be nice for your Mum not to have to do the work.

How about this? Tell your aunt that you can't possibly arrange a surprise party in your parents' own house without their co-operation, so if she really thinks they would love a surprise party, perhaps it could be hosted at her house. When she starts to panic about this, you can suggest an alternative would be to host it at your parents' house, but to ensure your Mum doesn't do any of the work, you ask all the guests to bring a dish.

"Mary Berry & Lucy Young Cook Up A Feast" is a good book with lots of practical tips for entertaining large numbers. Food doesn't need to be fancy. You could delegate parts of the meal to different people to share the cost / effort.

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