to tell mum of dd's best friend I'm seriously worried about her dd's behaviour?

[jugofwildflowers]

I really like my dd's best friend's mum, she 's bright, warm and kind. But she has a significant 'other' side (we all do to a certain degree). Since the summer my dd's bf has shrunk from a healthy size 14 to a size 6 due to an eating disorder which she had 1st when she was 9 yrs old (apparently).

She has gone from being a happy, fun 12 y.o to a sullen tittle tattle who reports back to her mum everything anyone says or does. Her mum then micro manages her how to respond/react /behave.

The level of control over her dd beggars belief. Being recently close to the mum I have listened sympathetically over the year how her beautiful dd is simply misunderstood, like a delicate flower, has few friends because she doesn't follow the crowds etc.

The mum adores my dd and still does I think and she has said openly to me how she has helped her dd, introducing her to new friends etc.

The trouble is, her bf has become v. moody and clingy and I noticed this when I took a group of dd's friends for a special day out.

I'm afraid to say something in me snapped when the mum reported back that her dd didn't really enjoy the day and that my dd had used the f word and that her dd was mortified when I talked about healthy eating/ had used butter in the omelette.

FFS!

TBH I now think this mum is a complete control freak who is not doing her dd any favours whatsoever. She's constantly making excuses for her dd and making out that everyone else around her is the problem.

I have never fallen out with a mum of my dc before. Should I have not said anything?

No you should have said something.

I'd not say anything and withdraw from the mother's friendship and you may find your dd finds a new best friend too.

What did you say?

Firstly, size 14 does not sound too healthy for a 12 year old.

12yr olds are also very prone to mood swings with the onset of puberty and with that comes weight loss, although with her history of an eating disorder I would be concerned, and her mother cant fail to have noticed it.

I think though that you sound right about the mother although I am not sure how you are going to deal with it, as she is unlikely to listen to your concerns.

I would have responded either that next time the child won't be invited, or that everyone else enjoyed it, shame she didn't.

How can you make a decent omelette without butter?

I would be trying to cut your dds ties with this child slowly, as she doesn't need to be pulled down by this. At the same time, I would be talking with the mother and asking very bluntly what has happened with her daughter as she looks ill, and can you do anything to help?

The Priory at Southampton does good work with adolescents with eating disorders.

Is her weight really an issue? Is size 14 healthy at 12 years old?

12 years old is just going into 'teendom', which is an absolutely horrendous time for many girls and it's a time of drastic change. In my experience, some mothers of teens can also get a little bit 'competitive' themselves, as in who has the nicest/politest/prettiest/most popular at school, etc. It may be that your friend is a bit sensitive of her daughter at the moment and perhaps took your comments as a criticism when this wasn't meant.

Maybe it seemed patronising? You know she has an eating disorder and then you start about healthy eating etc?

Moodiness could be down to her becoming a teen but if you are concerned you should speak up.

I kind of understand why the mum tries to be very controlling and helpful to her daughter, even if it might be overbearing. Her daughter does have an eating disorder and I can only imagine how hard it is. She IS a delicate flower if you see what I mean, the mum sees her suffer a lot and be weak.

Any chance you can say you are concerned and offer practical help? Offer the mum to talk to you openly help arrange therapy sessions or whatever?

Isn't she a size 6 know? (If I've understood?)

I make omelettes without butter. :) A spray of olive oil in the pan is all it needs, no butter.

My dd and bf's dd are about 5'9 so size 14 looked healthy to me. My dd is a size 8/10, is sporty, eats like a horse and is naturally slim.

Her bf's weight loss and pre occupation about not eating is v. worrying for my dd and recently she confided in me that she thinks she has caused her bf's eating disorder by being slim.

omg

My dd told her bf she didn't support her weight loss and told her to stop but she hasn't listened.

How is a healthy 12 y.o supposed to have the psychiatric training to know how to deal with this?

The mum is like a tigress over her dd and I should have handled it better but I thought by alerting the mum to this issue she could have given us guidance on what to do. Instead she told me I had personally insulted her for criticising her child and told me never to contact her again.

Your DD is well out of it I think. It is sad for her and her friend, but to be taking on that kind of support and guilt at that age is really too much. If the friend had an easier mother, you and she could find ways to protect them both. As it is, I think some distance for your DD might be wise.

High school is a nightmare for eating disorders, I was recently shocked by my eldest dd to be told about 12 children in her year 10 have anorexia and several make themselves sick after eating. It seems to be fairly normal behaviour and accepted by this age group.
In the whole school only a few would be classed as obese and that is out of 1200 children, they all seem tiny, this is a rural high school with very active children but i'm amazed how slim some of them are.